It's A Beautiful Day in the Bloggerhood

Some Things Come to an End

2012-01-25T13:58:00.003-05:00

As part of my goals for the New Year, I said I needed to get myself in order. Part of that involves coming to terms with some realities that I've been avoiding for a while, and part of it involves letting some people go. I have this history of having really great friends, and investing a lot in those friends, and then having those friends decide that A) They just don't like me anymore, B) They never REALLY liked me to begin with, or C) They simply can't be bothered to maintain the friendship. These are all things that sort of sting, especially when a lot has been invested in the relationship. I don't trust people easily. I actually have a really hard time letting people in, and very few people get to see the raw and vulnerable side of me. It's really hard for me to let people in enough that they get to see all of it, the good and the bad. There are probably only a handful of people who have been let into that part of my life. Perhaps five people ever, outside of my immediate family. So, when someone who actually gets to see that part of my life sort of betrays that trust or throws it in my face, it becomes something that is almost unforgivable. I put a lot of faith and trust in my close friends, and in some ways I depend on them for a lot of support, and when that turns to betrayal, I can't reconcile it. I can't just say "Ok, we'll get past that". Words hold a lot more hurt for me than physical abuse ever could. Words cut me to the core. When someone says they were only in it to be friends with Jason, that sticks. When someone says that my life, the life that I worked up a lot of courage to share with them, is "too much drama", that doesn't go away. When someone takes me for granted, it hurts. And it makes me realize that the reality that I have been avoiding is that what I thought of as a very trusted and valued friendship simply wasn't that at all. It wasn't anything. It was a show, a shell of something to suit the motives of the other person. It wasn't real.

That's hard to swallow, especially for me. It's hard to reconcile it in my mind, that I wasted so much time, and so much of myself on someone who possibly never deserved it to begin with. I have struggled with this for years, seriously struggled, and I've even avoided the acceptance for a long time. I kept sitting around hoping things would change, or hoping for apologies that would never come, or effort that would never be made. I spent a lot of time angry, and a lot of time wanting some sort of end to it all, be it reconciliation or closure. The reality is that I will likely never get either. I'm in a situation where even if I remove myself, Jason will never be removed from this person, and every time I see them or they visit it's like ripping off a scab that had just started to heal over and the pain and frustration is raw and fresh again, like it's brand new. I have spent a long time trying to figure out what to do, or how to make things different, but I can't change the past and if the other person doesn't want to change the future, then there's nothing I can do but accept it. I've heard promises of change or of making an effort, but every promise is met with absolutely no action to back it up. I'm tired. I'm split open and and I'm angry, and I need the scab to actually heal over. I need to be done with it, because it's simply too much to keep doing this to myself. The only one who keeps getting hurt by this is me, and I need to put a stop to it before I have nothing left. So, I took the step and I cut the tie as best I could from myself and I'm hoping that from here I can start to move away from all of this. I can let the scab heal over. I can focus on those few others who I have opened up to and I can make better choices in the future as to who else I let into that very small circle. Sometimes the only thing to do with a damaged bridge is burn it.

Say What?

2012-01-10T14:15:00.002-05:00

So what I'm starting to realize lately is that I might, just possibly, be a crappy communicator. This is a bit disheartening since well....it was my minor in college. But, sometimes I find that I get annoyed with people, or I get pissed off about something and I don't really do a very good job of telling people why I'm bothered. Sometimes, I rather stupidly expect other people to figure out why I'm angry. Other times I think I've been perfectly clear just to discover, amid a giant argument, that I have not been clear at all. That's not good. So, maybe this year I need to add "communicate better" to that list of goals.

New Year, New You?

2012-01-04T15:04:00.002-05:00

Every time we ring in the New Year, everyone starts talking about goals and resolutions. This year seems different though. It seems like people who don't usually talk about changing their lives or about setting goals are now setting goals and making changes. It makes me think back on 2011 and wonder what it was about that year that has pushed people to start making these new resolutions. Personally, 2011 had its ups and downs in my life. 2010 ended as the darkest period I can remember in my adult life, so it felt like 2011 had to be better just by default, and in a lot of ways it was. I moved on to a new job I really enjoy, which was a huge relief after the way my previous year ended with respect to jobs. It also meant I left my beloved Borders after a very short return to the corporate offices. I didn't know it would be the last time I would set foot inside those walls, and I was horribly saddened to watch as they liquidated. Jason and I had some stress regarding his job situation, since he was left unemployed after his long term subbing ended in June, and then there was more stress because the temp job he accepted was not something he enjoyed, and when they took him on full time, he was really frustrated and has been unhappy in his work life ever since. So, that's been crummy. Though, the low points have been balanced by high points, like going to Europe, gaining a new nephew, and spending a lot of time with friends and family throughout the year. So it hasn't been all bad.

All in all, I kind of expect 2012 to be about the same. I know that people think this is going to be a good year, a better year, a great year. I don't know what it will be, myself, but I expect it to have its ups and downs just like everything else. I do, however, think that there's a chance there will be more ups than downs. I'm not sure why, but it just feels that way at the moment. Time will tell, I suppose. As for goals, I've been thinking about that too and I find that I have a hard time setting goals because I get angry with myself for not meeting them. But I suppose it doesn't hurt to set a few.

1. Get the house in order

This covers a variety of things, from finally organizing and putting finishing touches on rooms we've barely paid attention to since we moved in, to building a deck off the back of the house, to getting the garage re-organized. In general, although I know that a house is never "done", I want it to feel more done than it does right now.

2. Get myself in order

I don't think I'll go into too much detail about this, but I'll just say that sometimes I'm a real mess and I need to take care of not being a real mess. Plus, I need to do some hard thinking about some things and come to some decisions about myself. Mostly, I need to get my head out of my ass.

3. Branch out

I often find that I stick with things that feel safe, easy, low risk. I don't go out and meet new people often. I don't tend to do anything that's not done as a "couple" where Jason and I both attend. I don't say yes to opportunities or offers a lot of the time, and I don't let myself make mistakes. Heck, I don't even really have any hobbies. So, I think this year I should try to branch out a bit and try some new things.

4. Let Go More, Live More

This ties into the whole "get my shit together" goal, but relates directly to me letting go of things more often instead of letting every little thing get to me like I have a habit of doing sometimes. I need to sort out what matters from what doesn't matter. I'm not going to lie, I'm not optimistic about this goal being reached.

5. Do more theater stuff with THAT

It's been great working with the kids at LHS for all of these years, but sometimes you want more than just hassles and headaches. Sometimes you want some control, and something to work toward that is bigger than yourself. Last summer doing Much Ado was fantastic. Time consuming, yes, but so rewarding. I want more of that. I want to make this into something real, and something sustainable so more people can do theater in the community.

So that's it. My big list of 5 items that seem rather daunting, when I really think about it, but they're goals right? It's ok if I don't make it? It's the journey, not the destination and all that stuff right?

Pity, party of one

2011-12-29T13:48:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling really down about things, and about myself in particular. I don't know if it's the winter, or the fact that I was in a really dark place this time last year and it's all rearing its ugly head again, or if it's just people being in town and stirring up old, not very pleasant memories for me, but lately I have felt pretty crummy.

There have been some personal life things, nasty arguments where things have been said that are pretty hurtful, and then a lot of things are just carry over from past things. And what's the worst is that every time I start to feel like this, I find myself thinking a lot about how I'm often not the person people choose in relationships. Typically, everyone picks Jason. He's likable, he's friendly, he's intelligent and he's kind. Me? I'm not really any of those things. 99% of the time, I hear "I was pretty sure you were a total bitch when I first met you". I'm guarded. I say what I think. I have high expectations and I don't really give people the option of not meeting them. I come with baggage, I guess, and as a result, people don't inherently like me. It's not new, it's happened my whole life. It just wasn't a problem before because I wasn't standing next to someone who everyone loves, so that by comparison I feel small and insignificant. I often feel like if he is around, I'm just...not. I stop mattering to people. I am an accessory, not a necessity. That's hard to know about yourself. I mean hell, even my "best friend" told me that she only tolerates me so that she can spend time with Jason. Stings, doesn't it? But that's how it is. I go to every school board meeting Jason goes to, but no one ever notices or remembers me, they always credit him with making the time to attend. I do as much work with the drama department as he does, but the kids act like he's the only one there working to help them. I did as much directing work in our show over the summer as he did, but everyone credits him as the director. So where do I fit? At what point do people appreciate me for me instead of something that tags along with Jason like a weight around his neck?

And honestly, I find myself angry at him and resenting him for the fact that everyone picks him over me. It's not his fault, I know that on an intellectual level, but at the same time.....I can't help getting angry because it sucks. Like.....really really sucks. It's pretty lonely, and it puts me into a position where I don't even really want to talk to people about it because I don't want to be accused, as I have been previously, of bringing "too much drama" and I also don't want to complain about things and have people think less of Jason due to what I might say, or think less of me for well....being me. And there's no solution to it anyway. I can't make him less likable. I can't make myself into him. I can't make people like me or enjoy my company. So that leaves me nowhere. But I'm lonely. And I'm sad. And I wish I was missed when I'm not around. And I wish people asked me to do things without Jason sometimes, that way I felt like it wasn't just him they wanted to be around all the time.

And I wish that he wasn't the only one who got apologies when people say hurtful things. I wish they offered me the same courtesies.

Adventures With an Elderly Dog, Part 2

2011-12-13T19:56:00.003-05:00

For those of you who are new around here, this is Simon. Simon is old. Like, I'm not talking that whole "Oh, Fido is 9 this year. He's getting old". No. In dog years, Simon is like Moses old. He's a 15 year old lab, and for a breed that tends to crap out around 12, that makes him ancient. Over the past couple of years we've been experiencing life with an elderly pet for the first time. Simon is Jason's first dog, and all of my childhood pets tended to die fairly young due to an uncanny ability to Darwin Award themselves, typically related to an affinity for chasing cars on the 50 mph road in front of our house. We've had friends who have dealt with elderly animals, so we've witnessed their trials and difficulties, but I think that you can never fully know what it's like until you do it yourself. So, Simon is treating us to a variety of experiences with him as he ages. His hearing is gone, his eyesight isn't what it used to be, he has arthritis in his back hips, he barks constantly at nothing because he's lost the ability to run and play so this is his only form of entertainment. It's been an interesting road.

We are still dealing with the pee issue we had a year ago (more info on that here), and now sometimes he poops in his sleep because, hey, why not right? And now, because we're masochists, we've added a puppy into the mix. To be fair, the puppy was meant to be a friend for Sam in the event that Simon is no longer with us, but the puppy seems to have decided Sam is a waste of his time and he wants to play with Simon. Simon does not feel the same way. Right now we're at a point where Simon sleeps like 15 hours or more a day, and the annoying puppy interrupting his glorious napping is not welcome. Now he barks at the puppy. Whenever he sees him. No matter what the puppy is doing. Puppy is lying on the floor chewing a toy, Simon comes in from another room and barks. Puppy is running laps through the house, Simon barks every time he runs through the room Simon's in. It's kind of an ongoing thing. I'm not sure what the barking is supposed to do, because the puppy seems to think that it's a trigger to play, but Simon keeps doing it.

What's interesting is that I think that, while you get that your dog is old and that he's got different needs, it's doing the normal little things that make you realize just how old he is. It's taking a walk and seeing him only make it about half way before he wants to lie down and take a nap, or tossing a treat that would normally have been snapped out of mid-air just to have it land on the floor and get licked up carefully once it's sniffed out. Tonight, my realization came while giving Simon his bath. An event that used to take Jason and I a good 40 minutes to accomplish as one of us pinned him down while the other scrubbed, because he would fight us both off to leap out of the tub and go rub himself on every piece of furniture we owned, was done tonight by just me. Jason lifted him into the tub, but then he went back downstairs and I did the scrubbing. There wasn't a fight anymore. This time he stood there, trying not to slip because his back legs give him trouble, and he was shaking. That's new, because he has never been nervous in the tub. Part of me wondered if he was in there going "It's wet! I ordered a sponge bath! I want to talk to Nurse Nancy! I hate the wet!" because he's confused a lot these days. I stood there, as I scrubbed him and cursed his water resistant lab fur that takes more shampoo than any dog should ever require, and thought about how different he is as an old dog. I thought it was nice not to have to wrestle him into submission just to scrub his chest, but at the same time it was a little sad that he didn't have it in him to fight with me anymore. After a while he seemed to relax a bit and while I wouldn't say he enjoyed having a bath, he got a stupid puppy smile on his face and stood up to shake off and shower me with everything that stupid water resistant fur didn't want to hold onto anymore. I'm pretty sure the showering was intentional.

And just as I was thinking how happy I was to get through the bath without incident, since he hadn't slipped or fallen or hurt a hip, I reached down to drain the water and realized that yes....yes he definitely pooped in the tub. Thanks pal. I love you too.

My Thoughts on Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T21:41:00.002-04:00

In the wake of the death of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, the internet has been flooded with messages of mourning and remembrance of the man who revolutionized the world as we know it. Facebook alone was filled with messages of shock and sadness. Much like any public figure, the death caused people to deeply romanticize the life of the man. As a result, I wasn't surprised when the cynics began to show up this afternoon, becoming suddenly annoyed at the amount of attention his death was getting. A friend of mine liked an article called "Steve Jobs Was Not God" on Facebook, and I wondered if the person who wrote the article didn't understand why people were saddened.

I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but the death of Steve Jobs makes me sad not because of the loss his company is taking without his input and creativity, but because of the loss of what he represents. Like so many people out there who are successful and smart and innovative, Steve represented what can happen when you dare to dream. Apple computers started in a garage with a dream, and that's the last real iteration of the American Dream. We've created a world where it is very difficult for people to dream big and see that dream realized, so those who are able to keep striving for the dream and finally achieve that success, they do become idolized. Steve showed that innovative thinking and hard work can pay off in the long run. In a world where people are looking for the quick and easy way to success through things like "The Secret" or self help seminars that tell you if you think about being successful then it'll just happen, we need people like Steve Jobs to show that thinking is just the start of the process, it takes drive and hard work to make it a reality. I respected what he represented. He expected more of himself, and as a result he expected more of those around him and pushed them to work toward a common goal that was bigger than all of them. He never settled for less than the best, and his success reflected those expectations. So now that he is gone, I feel like the world has lost an innovative thinker, and a man who represented the possibility this world holds for all of us if we only dare to dream big enough. With him gone, a small light has gone out, and that is what people are going to miss the most.

He's not the only one in the world who represents these ideals, but he was a shining spot among the crowd, and as time passes and other lights go out, we will feel their losses as well, but this one is new and fresh. This one is going to be felt for a few days or even weeks longer, but for what he gave to the world I think we can afford him a few days. Your iPod would probably appreciate it.

Much Ado About Everything

2011-08-16T10:26:00.005-04:00

Over the past 8 weeks, I have had the privilege and honor of working with an amazing group of young people. Jason, Eric and I worked non-stop on a production of Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" with several LHS Drama alumni, and several LHS Drama students, and some members of the community. What started off as this small idea to do a summer show turned into this thing that became larger than all of us put together. It went from being a few people trying to pull a show together to a fully functioning community theater company. We all worked in collaboration with one another on a show that seemed too large, too grand in scale to take on in such a short time, and yet we did it. We, as an entire group, pulled together to accomplish something that most people wouldn't have even tried, and we did it really well.

I have to say that there are times in a person's life when they do something truly remarkable, something that sticks with you for the rest of your life, and something that you look at and think "That was so worth it". In my life, I've had a few of those moments. When I graduated college, when we bought our first house, and now there is this. This one experience, this 8 weeks of madness that brought together a group of people in a way that nothing else ever has. Everyone was invested in our success, everyone was positive and upbeat, and determined to get it off the ground regardless of what challenges we may face. Everyone worked toward the same goal, and no one tried to showboat or promote themselves over the good of the entire production. Some people had small parts, but there were truly no small actors in our group. Everyone was just happy to be a part of something bigger than themselves, and there aren't many times in life that you get to be a part of something like that. This small group of people became a true family for those 8 short weeks, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I think what I loved most, and what made this a real success, is that it was a collaboration. No one stood up and said "This is my vision, you have to make it happen". We all created the vision together, and as a result, we were able to achieve it together with everyone on board in equal measure. We helped each other, we cared about each other, and we taught each other. At the end of the production run, Jason gave a really nice talk about how each person brought certain unique qualities to the production in such a great measure that the rest of the cast and crew was left with no choice but to raise themselves to that same standard. Unlike other productions I've worked behind the scenes on, our entire process was calm, stress free, and positive. Sure, there were moments when people snapped at each other, but there was none of the overwhelming stress or frustration, or anger at one another that I've seen before. Everyone left the production just as happy as they started it. I've never had that experience before, and it was really nice.

Most of all, though, I am proud of the people who put so much work into something that started as a small idea. I am proud of the cast, who worked their tails off for a very short amount of time to pull of a giant monster of a script. I am proud of everyone who took notes, and direction, and never hesitated to try something new even if they weren't comfortable with it. I'm proud of everyone who made it a safe place for those uncomfortable people to try something new without risk of being laughed at or ridiculed. I am proud of the entire group for coming together to build a set in 2 days, and get that set painted in 2 days. I'm proud of the younger people who have never had a speaking role and stepped up to the challenge we set before them, and did it better than we could have ever hoped. I am proud of everything. I am proud of us.

So, despite what some may say to bring us down, despite what some may do to criticize the work that was done, and despite what some may think they have a right to dictate when they don't, I will say that we have done well. We have done something to look back on fondly, and most importantly we had a lot of fun. To my cast and crew, I want to say thank you for making this one of the best summers of my adult life. Thank you for being who you are, and who we became when we worked together. I can't wait to do it all over again.

A Farewell To Old Friends

2011-07-17T12:22:00.002-04:00

This past Friday at 12:01 a.m. marked the release of the 8th and final Harry Potter film. For a lot of the world, this didn't signify anything other than the last movie in a series that they felt was split to make sure they made as much cash as possible off of the franchise. For the rest of us, those devout Harry Potter fans, it meant so much more. I'm not sure what everyone's experience has been, but for me Harry Potter has been a life changing series.

I showed up late to the party with the books. The first one was released back in 1997, at the end of my Freshman year in high school, and I paid no attention. Even when I was working in the school library my Senior year and the librarian was posting articles from Time magazine about the phenomenon that was Harry Potter, I didn't really pay much attention. It wasn't until Jason was working for a store run by PBS and preparing for the release of the 4th book that I thought "Wow, this might be a big deal". He bought the books, brought them home and tore through them in just a couple of weeks and said "You have to read these. You have to". So I did, and that in itself was a game changer, because Jason and I had never shared the same taste in books before, but suddenly we had this commonality to work from and this addictive series to discuss and theorize over at length. Harry Potter brought us closer together. That's what this series does though, it brings people together. I can't tell you the number of people I've connected to through a common love of these books. When I worked for Waldenbooks, I bonded with staff and customers time and time again over how these books are not just a kids book series, but a common ground on which people can build relationships.

I don't think I would have gone into teaching if it hadn't been for Harry Potter. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. I spent so much time in the bookstore watching kids get excited for the release of a book in an age where the X-Box and iPod reigned supreme and I thought "It's not that kids don't want to read, it's that no one has made it exciting for them", and then I found myself thinking that maybe I could be that person. I suddenly wanted to be the person who lit that spark of fascination for kids who may not really care about reading. I wanted to excite people about books, and teach them how to think about them and analyze them and truly understand them. Selling books wasn't enough. I needed to teach them. So I went into education. Harry Potter put me on the path to a career that I would not have otherwise thought about going into, and it took my floundering uncertain 24 year old self and gave her purpose for the first time since she left high school. When I had the opportunity to meet J.K. Rowling, I was given about 3 seconds to say something to her. I said "Your books made me decide I wanted to teach" and her advice was "Don't be Snape".

My story is really just one of many, because fans all over the world can point to ways that this book series has changed their lives. Hank Green of Vlogbrothers fame saw his career launched when he wrote a song about the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The people of Haiti received 5 chartered jets filled with disaster relief and medical supplies from the HP Alliance, a charity group formed to carry the theme of the Harry Potter novels out into the real world through charitable deeds. A group of fans, young and old, who banded together to bring more love and good into the world, as inspired by the message J.K. Rowling so diligently wove into her novels. Their motto is "The weapon we have is love". Pretty powerful stuff to come out of a series of fiction novels.

My point is, these books have touched countless people, and changed lives in ways that no one would have initially expected. And now, as we reach the end of the series in its film form, we as fans come to a startling realization that we have nothing more to look forward to. We have nothing left but the relationships we have built, and the undiscovered paths that our lives will take as they have been touched by J.K. Rowling and her endearing characters. We have grown up with these books, these films, these characters. We have laughed and cried with Harry, Ron and Hermione. Now we are left to laugh and cry on our own. There will be no new experiences for us in the Potter universe, but there will always be new experiences elsewhere, and we will have to take what we have learned from Harry Potter along with us, and strive to carry on with creating a better world as we were inspired to do the first time we read those newly minted pages. As Dumbledore has said, "Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open". That is the world we strive for, thanks to the lessons we have learned from a small boy wizard and his friends.

So long Harry, and thanks for the ride.

Lest We Lose The Ability To Wonder

2011-07-10T23:02:00.006-04:00

Friday marked NASA's final space shuttle launch, which I've been thinking about off and on ever since the media frenzy began a week or so ago. As much as I think it's sad that we are losing manned space flight, which has been a pretty large part of our scientific history for the past 50 years, and was once a huge rallying point for American morale, I find myself wondering if we're losing more than just the space shuttle. My worry is that we're losing the ability to wonder, and the ability to think "What if?" and then strive to answer that question.

When author Francois Rabelais died, his last words were "I go to seek the great perhaps". I feel like that's what our first voyage into space was, it was a deep need to go seek the great perhaps. Or, as my Star Trek geek husband would say, "to boldly go where no man has gone before". We did not go into space because it was easy, or because it was necessary. We went because we were spurred by that basic human need to reach for more than what is at our fingertips. We reached for the stars, and when they were too out of reach to come to us, we found a way to go to them. We went because we wondered what was out there, and we knew we would never be satisfied until we found that answer. Now, as we lose the ability as a nation to continue those voyages, I find myself saddened that we may be sacrificing our ability to wonder. I think about how there will be no elementary school children talking about how they want to grow up and go to space, because we won't be doing that anymore, and I feel infinitely saddened. I remember going to Kennedy Space Center with my family when I was 12, and my dad getting us up at the crack of dawn to drive out and watch a space shuttle launch, which didn't happen due to weather conditions, but I remember sitting there thinking about how exciting it must be to sit in that shuttle and blast through the atmosphere into a place that almost no one can say they've gone.

Space is one of the few things left in this world that we can explain, and yet remains a mystery. It inspires wonderment, and it inspires people to think beyond the world they know into the great perhaps, and it is quickly fading from our grasp. I don't want to lose that feeling, and that sense of pride at knowing that we have been able to accomplish putting people into space for so long. We were able to put people on the moon. If we weren't losing this amazing program, we could likely be putting people onto other distant planets, or traveling beyond our own solar system into the great unknown. So, what we lose is so much more than a tangible space program, we lose the ability to dream that something more is out there for us, and that we need only seek it and reach high enough to grasp it.

On Relationships

2011-07-10T22:11:00.003-04:00

I've never been one of those people who talks a lot about how in luuuuurve I am, or about how Jason is the greatest "hubby" ever or anything like that. This is, primarily, because I feel like people who are always gushing about how in luuuurve they are or how they have the greatest spouse ever are either trying to prove to themselves that things really are that way, or they're trying to prove to others that they totally win at relationships. This might not necessarily be the case, but I generally feel that people who are actually in love and have good healthy relationships rarely ever have to talk about them. In general, I feel like if someone is happy in their relationship, it should be obvious and apparent without someone needing to tell people how incredibly happy they are.

I bring this up because I find myself reading a lot of Facebook statuses and blogs lately where people are talking about how AMAZING their relationships are, or how in luuuuurve they are, or how much they have struggled through to come out "stronger" on the other side and I find myself thinking "What makes you think you're different from any other couple on the planet?" I mean...think about it. Most "couple problems" are completely typical. Short of one of you having a horrible life threatening disease, or if you're dealing with serious infidelity and for some reason decide to remain together, there aren't a lot of problems that every other couple isn't also having. And I really hate the phrase "marriage is hard". No, ALL relationships are hard, but because marriage tends to be less disposable than other types of relationships, people think it's more difficult than any other relationship. Marriage does take work, just like any other relationship, but it doesn't have to be hard. If the person you married understands you, and cares about how you feel and what you want or need, then it's not nearly as hard as people think. I mean, I think back on all that Jason and I have "gone through", first living with my parents and sharing a room with my 2 sisters while he slept on the floor for a year, then living in our apartment with a roommate, then living in a cramped and cluttered house with his mom while we both worked full time and went to school full time, then moving into our own house with uncertain employment situations, going through various periods of one or both of us being unemployed, and I could say "Oh wow, we're so strong because we've been through so much without splitting up" but all I really think is "Well....that was life". It's not about going through stuff and coming out stronger for it, it's about just being strong in the first place and then the crappy stuff that happens doesn't matter. And, feeling like you have to go through things to make you stronger means that you can't be in a strong relationship without shitty things happening. If you can't be on the same page, or in the same place from the start, why be in the relationship at all? Why does anyone date/marry/befriend anyone who has to work really hard to be on the same page as they are? It makes no sense to me. Good relationships take work, but they feel easy. That doesn't mean that they don't have their bumps along the way, or are without conflict or argument, but the fixing process shouldn't feel like work. If it does, maybe it's the wrong connection to make.

So.....I guess what I think is that if I ever start talking excessively about how much I luuuuurve Jason, or how awesome he is, or how great and amazing and strong a relationship we have, that might be the time to start worrying the actual state of our relationship. For now, I think that being able to say "It just works" when people ask about the two of us. I don't need to give or receive mushy cards, or see Facebook statuses about how much Jason luuuurves me, or hear about how he can't live without me. We aren't that couple. I know he loves me, because he married me, and tells me at least once a day, and he puts up with all of my annoying BS. That means so much more than constant public affirmation. I find it so strange that other people feel the need for all the rest of that nonsense.

Once Upon a Time, I Wanted to be a Teacher

2011-06-01T12:33:00.003-04:00

For me, one of the most frustrating things about my college experience was that I spent so much of it having no idea what I wanted to do. As a result, I spent a lot of time floundering, and a lot of money switching majors. I didn't graduate college until I was 27, where most of the people I graduated high school with were done when they were 22. They were on to careers and lives that I couldn't even begin to think about because I still hadn't managed to finish school. But then it happened, I had this great breakthrough and realized that of all the things in the world that I had bounced back and forth between, I always went back to this thought that I could be a teacher. It was the only constant in all of my floundering, and after spending a LOT of time with the kids in the drama department that I spend time volunteering with, I realized that it wasn't just what I could do, it's what I wanted to do. So I set out to teach. I literally put my nose to the grindstone, working 40 hours a week while going to school full time and finding space in there to sit down and do all of my reading and homework so that I could graduate with honors in an astounding 3 years for what should have been a 5 year program. I poured my entire life into this one goal, and when I received my diploma I thought to myself "I have finally accomplished something worthwhile" and from there I got.....nothing. No job in my field. No prospect of a job in my field. In fact, my state was cutting budgets left and right for schools and I found that instead of applying for open jobs, I was watching jobs get cut down to nearly nothing.

So there I was, a teacher with no one to teach, and I found that what few jobs there were within my area were being snapped up by teachers from other districts who had tons of experience and were laid off due to their own budget cuts. I found new teachers I had befriended constantly worried that they were going to be laid off at the end of the school year and left with no job prospects at all. I found myself wondering, why does anyone go into this field? Why was I so keen to go into it? I can't think of any other career where the low men on the totem pole have to worry every single year that they'll be laid off, and have to go to another school and start over where again, they'll be worried constantly that they'll be laid off at the end of each year. It's a thankless job, and at times it can be just as frustrating and difficult as it can be rewarding. It isn't a 9 to 5. It's a 24 hour a day job. It's a job where calling in sick is actually a luxury because you can't always get a sub, and if you can you still have to get up and write lesson plans for them so that your class isn't in chaos all day. It's a job where you watch your colleagues buy shoes for the underprivileged students in their classes, while parents and outsiders call them "lazy". It's a job where one or two bad apples ruin the reputation of the entire profession, and instead of parents asking "What can I do?" they ask "Why aren't you doing enough?" so that the uphill battle never ends.

And yet, I still wanted to be a teacher. A part of me still does, but when I look at the state of education, and the lack of value placed on being an intelligent and productive member of society, I'm not sure I have it in me to fight that battle for the rest of my life. Normally I'm a "Rise up, Fight the System!" sort of girl, but I've been unemployed or precariously employed for the past year and a half, and the idea of going right back into that where every year is a question as to where you'll be working the following year....I just can't take more of that instability. Plus, I watch my friends who are teachers constantly trying to do more with less as their funding gets cut to the bone, and at some point they're going to be teaching without any supplies at all and no one will fight for their sake because no one values education as an institution anymore. It's like every generation is more and more apathetic about the importance of knowledge and eventually it'll just be people lobbying against all forms of schooling. I want to fight the good fight, and I want to pursue the one goal that got me through college despite all of the work and exhaustion. I want to say "System be damned, I'm going to be what I set out to be", but the truth is.....I can't. Not only do I not have the opportunity, as more and more teaching jobs are slashed every day, but I don't have the capacity to tolerate the constant accusations of laziness, or delinquency, or a system that wants to pay based on how well your students perform on standardized tests despite the fact that the tests are biased and don't take into account disabilities of students. And beyond that, they don't take into account the sheer APATHY of students. The students who care so little about education that NOTHING any teacher does can pull them out of it, and their parents who feed that apathy. I've had students who do the bare minimum to be able to play a sport, or who don't care about anything outside of their iPod and their video games. No one talks about those students, who are fully capable but simply don't give a shit about anything. But my pay might be based on whether I can change that attitude in the mere 12 weeks I have them in class each trimester? I can't imagine such a world.

So I did....I wanted so badly to be a teacher. Now, with the state of the world we live in, I just don't know that I have it in me to do it.

The End of an Era

2011-05-02T12:38:00.003-04:00

Anyone old enough to remember the morning of September 11, 2001 can tell you exactly where they were when they heard that a plane had struck the World Trade Center. For people like me, who were just out of high school at the time, September 11th was the Pearl Harbor of our generation. It too became a date which would live in infamy. The difference is that while Pearl Harbor marked our entrance into a war we had been staunchly attempting to avoid joining, it brought with it a sense of purpose and for our brothers in arms who were already fighting the good fight, it brought a sense of hope that renewed forces would soon end this bloody war. Our experience in the aftermath of September 11th did not bring hope for a faster end to our conflicts in the Middle East. Instead, it brought new fear that we were buckling down for a long battle with no real end in sight. And it has been a long battle. The "War on Terror" has surpassed the time the world spent fighting during WWII, and the victories have been few. The nation, who rallied around their troops during WWII, questioned the purpose of our missions overseas. While Pearl Harbor produced what we have come to call "The Greatest Generation", September 11th has produced the most fearful generation.

After the President's announcement last night that the White House was confirming the extermination of Osama Bin Ladin, I started thinking about what that really meant for the American people. I started thinking about my 8th graders I taught last year, and how young they were when all of this began. For those kids, who were 4 or 5 back in 2001, there is no real memory of a world prior to September 11th. They don't know that you used to be able to greet your loved ones at the gate in an airport, or that there was a time when you could fly somewhere without having to remove your shoes. They don't know of a time when the NBC Nightly News didn't have at least one update a week involving "The War on Terror", and they don't know of a time when it wasn't normal for the government to be able to tap your phone lines. For children who have grown up in a post 9/11 world, they have known nothing beyond the nation of fear we've been living in for the past 9 years. It boggles my mind that we have been searching for Bin Ladin for as long as my goddaughter has been alive. So I begin to wonder, what will this world look like for these children who have known nothing more than a life peppered with terror alerts? I do not presume the alerts will end any time soon, but with this shift in the chess game that is the war could mean a world that looks very different for these children, a world that may be more relaxed for the first time in their living memory.

While thinking about this impact on the current generation of young people, Jason mentioned that we were lucky to grow up in the 90's, in a time of economic prosperity and a fairly mild political climate. It seems that the 90's are set to become an idyllic era, much like the 50's, where we look back and say "Those were the good days" despite the fact that everything wasn't necessarily as picture perfect as it seems in retrospect. But last night, after we got the first real piece of decent news relating to this exhausting war, I felt for the first time a spark of hope that maybe...just maybe things were taking a turn for the positive. I am not silly enough to think that taking out one man can turn everything around overnight, or that it will even turn things around at all, but now I have the small glimmer of hope that maybe things can change.

I would be remiss if I did not also offer credit to President Obama for the speech he delivered late last night. His very demeanor began to swing the tone of this conflict. No longer were we in the "War on Terror", but instead we were in the "War on Al Quaeda". One line that took the terror away from the American people and replaced it with a being that seems real. A human force, which we could have hope of defeating. By fighting "Terror" we were fighting a nameless, faceless entity, and how does one begin to defeat a ghost, especially when that ghost is housed within our own personal fear centers? Now we have a force to recon with, and in one sentence he made that sound possible. While the American people rejoiced in front of the White House, our President called this only a "Significant Achievement", not a victory. The way this was handled by the Oval Office was with poise and dignity. We are not through the woods, but it seems we've found a brief clearing.

Some Days, We Are All Princesses

2011-05-01T21:30:00.002-04:00

It seems that since November, the media has been abuzz with gossip, speculation, and excitement over the impending marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton. There has been press about the preparations, the ring, and the dress, along with nearly any other minute and seemingly meaningless detail that may be related to the wedding. And we ate it up. We, as a general human populace, fell in love with the idea of this wedding just as the groom fell in love with his bride. Sure, there were a ton of people who whined and complained about the news coverage and held fast to the opinion that it was just a wedding and shouldn't be awarded so much attention, but I think on some level, everyone was curious about it.

But why do we, a nation of people who fought against the rule of monarchy, find such fascination with Royalty and all of the pomp and excess that comes with it? I blame Disney. Are there any of us who have not been raised on the fairy tale stories of the Grimm Brothers as presented through the saccharine sweet filter of Disney films? Of course we are fascinated with royalty! Our childhoods were built upon it! I can't think of any little girl who did not grow up wishing she could some day be a princess, or any little boy who did not dream of daring sword fights and far off adventure. The fact is, the British royals are the only connection we have to a romanticized time long past, a time that fairy tales were made of. And perhaps that's what makes this particular wedding so appealing. For once, it feels like the living of a real fairy tale. A normal girl with no claim to nobility somehow growing up to meet a prince and live a happily ever after that every little girl dreams of. Of course there is a clear understanding that happily ever after exists only in fairy tales, and the reality of a royal life is bogged down with duty, tradition, and a public scrutiny that few would envy, but we can't seem to detach ourselves from the pure fantasy of it all. We get to see fairy tales played out in front of us, and in some way it allows us all to imagine "What if that were me?" for just a short time. So on Friday, as so many sat glued to their television and watched the most talked about wedding of the decade, every girl young and old became a princess for a few hours. Every boyfriend, fiance and husband became a prince, and for a short time the fairy tale became real for us all. Maybe that's why people couldn't seem to tear themselves away from it. Plus, who doesn't love a good wedding?

And they all lived happily ever after...

Procrastination and Projects Don't Mix

2011-04-30T21:04:00.004-04:00

All right, so remember when I was bitching about needing a project and then proceeded to do absolutely nothing to accomplish that goal? Yeah...me too. Although, it's not entirely true that I didn't do anything to accomplish that goal. I bought paint. I bought it, and then I felt deeply accomplished in my paint purchasing abilities. I then proceeded to allow the cans of paint to sit in the rooms they were intended for and collect dust. They were AMAZING at that. They collected dust like it was nobody's business. Normally I have more follow through with things like this, but for some reason the motivation died shortly after that paint purchase. I'd like to say that I was busy, or that I was caught up in something important, but the truth is that the reason my motivation died can be summed up with a simple math equation: me=lazy.

But, sometime back in the middle of January, we did paint the bathroom. This was partially because Jason got tired of me whining, and partially because Jason was annoyed that the closets downstairs, as well as the one in our bedroom, desperately needed to be painted to rid them of the weird musty smell they had when we first moved in. We hadn't been able to find a way to get rid of it no matter what we did, so we decided to paint because it was the only thing we hadn't tried yet. So, I said we should just make a day of painting and I could work on the bathroom while he did the closets. This was enough to make appease him and convince him to let me paint. So we did.

And the bathroom went from this, a dark room with gross pinky-brown paint and the darkest blue accent wall ever.

To this, a much nicer and calmer green, complete with new bamboo shade. I was pretty disappointed with the color, because it was more minty looking than I really wanted, but in comparison to the dark blue and brown, it's a HUGE improvement.

Then, a month or so later we were waiting around the house to go catch a movie with my cousin, and we had about two hours to kill before we could leave so I got bored and decided to start cutting in around the trim in the bedroom in hopes that it would motivate my lazy butt to actually do the rest of the room. I got most of the cutting in done, except for what I couldn't reach because I didn't have the time to move the furniture. I'm not sure if it's absolutely necessary to say this, but it didn't really work. For the most part, it did nothing other than leave me staring at a weird band of blue that was ringing my room. I guess the partially painted room finally wore Jason down, because today after we had mowed the lawn and cleaned out the garage, he came in and announced that we should paint the bedroom. So, after months of having a partially painted room, we finally got it done.

So the bedroom went from this, big giant dark room with the same navy blue and same ugly pinky-brown as the bathroom. The worst part about the original paint job was that no matter how clean the room was, the brown always made it feel like it was dirty. And it always felt so dark and closed in, which didn't exactly make it inviting.

To this. The blue photographs paler than it actually is, but it's a nice blue-gray that makes the room look much bigger and brighter. The white furniture and all of the trim looks nicer against the walls, and most importantly it looks clean. And, my green duvet cover doesn't look out of place in the room anymore, which is awesome because I love that duvet cover.

So there it is. The culmination of both my whining and my procrastination. The final product of the stirring of some amount of restlessness in me months and months ago. Now I'm glad I did all of the whining back then, since I'm really happy with the result now, but it probably would have been nice if I'd actually done it sooner. Oh well. Live and learn.

Five Things You Can't Live Without?

2011-03-15T12:34:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I was reading a blog and saw that the writer had an entry about the five things she couldn't live without. At first it seemed like a fun thing to think about, but I was quickly struck by how shallow those five things seemed, and how much the answer to that question depends on where you are and what your circumstances are at that very moment. It made me think how her list, which contained items like a curling iron, face wash, a down pillow, coffee, and design magazines, really reflects the heart of American culture. All five of her things are material, and in the big picture that is the rest of the world, they don't matter. I know I shouldn't judge, because I'm as guilty of gross consumerism as anyone else in this country, but it sort of made me sad that of all the things in the world, these were the five she chose. Then I started thinking about what my five things would be, and would they be the same?

The truth is, if we limit this list to things I routinely buy/own and don't ABSOLUTELY need for survival (i.e. food/water/shelter) then I'm not sure I can come up with five things that I truly would never be able to live without. So far on my list I have books. That's it. I couldn't fathom a life without words and knowledge, so books would be on the list, but I don't really have anything else. This makes me wonder why someone else thinks that they really NEED a curling iron and couldn't live without it. Is their life truly summed up and determined by the presence of that curling iron? It makes me sad to think it might be.

My true list of five things, however, would have nothing to do with material goods, for the most part. If it's a given that I have the basics to survive, then my list would include many intangible things that people don't think about, but they need to truly live the life they are given, not merely survive it. So, in no particular order, my list is:

Love
Passion
The Great Perhaps, the possibility of adventure.
Beauty in the world
Knowledge

Those are the things I think of when I think about what I would never be able to live without. It's not about what money can buy, or what I think I need. In reality, our perception of "need" as a society is so grossly distorted that it's no wonder there are people in the world who see us as greedy and selfish. In so many ways, we are. We put value in what we own, what we can purchase, not what really matters. I'd imagine that if we asked this question of someone in Japan right now, in the wake of the earthquake and tsunami, their list would look very different than the woman who needs her curling iron and coffee. It makes me think that maybe we, as a whole society, need to stop and consider what is truly valuable and start actually valuing it.

Bitten by the Reading Bug

2011-03-14T11:51:00.002-04:00

I decided to take a break from being political (I know, right?!) mostly because I'm a little weary from the struggle of trying to find ways to rise up and fight the system or whatever. So, I'm going to talk about something awesome instead. Growing up, I was a super avid reader to the point where my parents had a hard time keeping me supplied in books. This continued up until I started college and had little time for my own personal reading since I had so many English classes requiring me to read other books. Then I got out of college and life became very busy so I didn't have much time to read the (literally) hundreds of books that were lining the giant bookcase in my library. Sure, I'd read a book here or there, but I didn't have the time to commit to devouring literature the way I used to, and finishing a book took forever because I was tied up doing other things. But, lately I've felt like I've been missing my old reading habits and I've realized that 2 years without a vacation and an incredibly rough year in general have left me feeling really frazzled and in need of some escape, so I decided that I'd pick up some books and roll back into my old habits. I've been starting slowly, picking up a variety of Young Adult books that I've been meaning to read for a while now. I figure that picking up something short and not overly heavy in a literary sense will at least let me get through the books more quickly than I had been. The last "literary" novel I read took me over 6 months to finish, but I blame that on the fact that I felt like I was trudging through the text waiting for it to get interesting. Since I make a rule to finish a book if I start it, it took some time. Thankfully this hasn't been the case with my recent collection of books. I have swiftly whipped through Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and The Hunger Games trilogy, and I just started John Green's Looking for Alaska. Easy reads? Sure. It doesn't matter, they've all been great so far, and hard to get enough of. And, what's more, I feel myself getting back to where I used to be, where I consider not going out with friends because I desperately want to finish my book. I sit around thinking about the plot while I'm in the car, or when there's a lull at work, working everything over in my brain and trying to pick apart the strings that weave together the tapestry of a story. It's the first time in a while that I've felt like me, the whole me. Not just the fractured pieces of me that I've been trying to harness together for months now because some really awful events left me shattered, but an actual whole and working me. Bit by bit, story by story, I feel like the words aren't just putting the plot together, they're knitting me back together one tiny piece at a time.

This rekindling of my book obsession has triggered something else. I used to write. Not blog write, but actually write. I'm not saying I was a great writer, but I was harnessing this need to be creative and channeling it into something that felt good to do, I was taking the words that are constantly abuzz in my head and making them into something useful, something tangible that made me feel like I could turn ordinary words into something beautiful. Then one day, I just...stopped. I stopped writing and the words dried up and I was left with nothing. I never took the time to think about it, but I am realizing that maybe I stopped writing around the same time I stopped reading. I stopped craving words and at the same time, I stopped producing them. Now that I'm back with my nose buried in a book, I find myself overflowing with this strange desire to not just take in creativity, but to actually create something. I'm not sure what, at the moment, but it's building in me like a geyser, very slowly right now but I think if I keep this up, it's going to overflow into something, which I can hopefully be proud of.

So thank you Suzanne Collins, Steig Larsson and John Green for lighting a fire that had gone out long ago. I needed it.

America is Not Broke

2011-03-11T10:26:00.004-05:00

America is not broke
We are broken...
We asked for your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
When we sealed up the borders, we started making them ourselves.
A nation fueled by greed
Where Corporate America will soon brand the citizens
Because they will own us, if the greedy have their say.

America is not broke
We are broken...
Where money means more than people
And people are becoming desperate
But there is money enough to go around,
Except that it's being held by a precious few
And they're not giving it up any time soon.

America is not broke
We are broken...
A nation that shuts down women's clinics
Because someone might want a legal abortion
In addition to their cancer screenings
And their annual exams.
But what does it matter? They're only women...

America is not broke
We are broken...
Where medical care is a privilege
Not a right.
Where we pay for medical insurance
So that companies can deny us the care we pay for.

America is not broke
We are broken...
But the people are tired of being broken
The people are tired of being ignored
And the people are going to rise.
Do you hear the people sing?
You will soon.

America is not broke
We are broken.

You Say You Want a Revolution...

2011-03-07T10:17:00.003-05:00

Jason and I were flipping channels over the weekend and we came across Les Miserables in Concert on PBS. I was excited, because we're going to see it live in a couple of weeks so I got to see some behind the scenes stuff about the production. But, as I sat there watching, I was thinking about the actual story behind the musical. The story crafted by Victor Hugo to tell the tale of a student uprising against an oppressive government, which is sort of the story of every revolution that has ever happened in France. And then I started thinking, isn't that the story of almost every uprising? In the 60's, it was the students who started to rise up against the government in protest of Vietnam, and during the Woman's Lib movement, it was the young women who started the uprising against the forces that were holding them down. Later, when bras were being burned, it was the young women who started burning them. This seems to be a common historical theme, that when the world becomes unfair and oppressive, the young people begin to rise up and fight the system. This is even reflected in recent literature. It's in Harry Potter, where the adults have become complacent and the youth rise up to fight evil. It's in The Hunger Games, where Katniss Everdeen lives in a dark and oppressive society and takes it into her own hands to quietly rebel against those in power. Then there's the revolutions we see happening in Egypt, Libia, Tunisia, and Yemen, all working through a small core of students and young people who fought against what was wrong in their country and worked to change it.

This leads me to the question that arose while thinking about all of this: Where are those young people here in the US? Honestly. If you think about it, we hear a lot of complaining about how government is a mess, how taxes and cuts to education are unacceptable, but most of that comes from the over 25 crowd. I don't hear much from those who are between 16 and 25, the ones who are usually starting all of these revolutions throughout history, throughout literature, throughout our very current events. Why don't we have those kids? Why don't we see today's youth fired up and stirring to change the system? I think part of the reason is that, although the amount of world suck is increasing these days, I don't know that the current youth have really felt much oppression or had a lot of struggle. They came out of a mostly decent economic climate for most of their lives, and only recently have they seen any real struggle going on within their lives. When the economy took a dump and their parents lost their jobs, they should have started crying foul but the truth is, I don't think they even really understood why it all happened. They got rhetoric on the situation, not actual hard fact news. So, there was no move to change anything, at least not in the vein of the protests in Egypt.

Then, in the 2008 election we suddenly saw what the youth movement could do as they came out in droves to vote and elect President Obama into office. Suddenly the youth had something to get behind and someone to support, because he promised change, and in a shocking youth turnout they got what they wanted. And then they promptly forgot about that power they had been wielding during that election. They stopped voting, they stopped paying attention, and nothing really changed. No one held anyone to their promises. And why? Because they did their part, they voted like they were told to do in high school government classes. Shouldn't that have solved the problem? I guess we have failed by not informing them that voting sometimes isn't enough.

When I sit down and really think about it though, I think the biggest reason that we see this overwhelming apathy among the youth today is because they've been convinced that nothing they do will make any real difference. They live in a world where protest, even when peaceful, can get you arrested. They live in a world with so many problems that they seem insurmountable, and they are constantly told that small changes don't mean anything and if you can't tackle the huge problems then you won't make a difference anyway. No one feels like their voice is heard anymore, and they find the responsibility of tackling problems to be exhausting. And, the sad fact is, some of them may just not care at all. But I think that the problem is that no one feels like their thoughts matter, and I don't really find this to be a good excuse. When I look around at countries where rebellion could mean death, and those young people are rising up against a much more oppressive government, I can't help but think that maybe our youth is spoiled and soft, and incapable of sustaining enough passion to make it to the end of a sentence, let alone to the end of a revolution. It makes me sad, and it makes me wonder what we've done wrong to leave our youth so disengaged. Or, maybe it's that we've done something right. Maybe that's what the nation wants now, complacency. That may make me even more sad than the apathy I already see.

Despite all of this, I do have hope. There are small pockets of young people out there who want to make real change. They want more from the world than what it currently gives them. There are groups out there, like John and Hank Green's Nerdfighters who strive to "decrease world suck", and groups like the HP Alliance, a group of Harry Potter fans who are out there trying to make a difference in whatever ways they can. And in Wisconsin where there are daily protests at the capitol building, we see students showing up to protest and fight for their teachers. There's a 7 year old girl in Texas who brought a sock filled with loose change into her school because she heard her teachers might be laid off and she wanted to help give the school money so her teachers didn't have to go away. It's out there, the youth movement. Perhaps not speaking out with the roar that it has the power to use, but it's softly rumbling in the background, and I can only hope that it's growing and that it will some day become too loud to ignore and we will see those in power held responsible for providing the world that our youth was promised when our forefathers set their own revolution in motion. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

Pet Cremation Is Weird

2011-02-11T13:44:00.003-05:00

I should probably preface this post by saying that I grieve quickly. I say this up front so that later you will hopefully remember it later and not think I'm a total asshole. So remember that, I grieve quickly. This is true of people and of animals. When my grandma passed away I was crushed up until the day of the actual burial. After that, I had closure and I moved on. I don't visit grave sites often, because the people who are dead don't know I'm there, and they aren't really there anymore either so I don't feel like I need to stop by and say hi or anything. I figure the people I love know how often I think about them once they're gone. So last week, when my cat died, I was crushed for the first few days, but by the time the vet office called me to say her ashes were in, I didn't turn into a giant crying mess. Ashes are closure.

I went to pick her ashes up this afternoon on my lunch break and I immediately realized that pet cremation is a weird thing. I've never had a pet cremated before. Growing up, we had a giant back yard and all of the family pets just got buried somewhere along our tree line. Hell, we even buried the horses when they died because my mom couldn't stand the idea of sending them somewhere to "be disposed of", so we hired a dude with a large piece of construction equipment and buried the damn horses. Unfortunately, Norbert died in the middle of the freaking winter, during a blizzard, when the ground is totally frozen. That makes burial inconvenient. Plus, our Stepford neighbors and the HOA probably wouldn't enjoy us digging up the yard to dispose of our cat. So, we had her cremated. When I went into the office the receptionist asked what I needed and I said I was there to pick up my cat's ashes. I had to stop myself from saying "my dead cat". Because really, that's what I'm getting. She suddenly became very somber, like all of those people you see running funeral homes, and said she was sorry and she would go get the ashes for me. I stood there for a bit while another person was processing a refund for the uneaten prescription food I had that obviously didn't help the cat since well...ashes.

The woman soon returned with a gift bag, I kid you not an actual gift bag containing the wrapped up remains of my cat. She said she was sorry again as I stood there thinking "This is pretty festive for death" and picked up the bag. At this point, I suddenly wished I was someone else. ANYONE else, because I deal with death strangely. I blame my dad for this. Dad diffused sad situations with funny stories about the ill or deceased person, and we all got to laugh instead of cry. So I laugh. Inappropriately. The freaking bag containing the ashes of my dead cat is heavier than the actual cat was. Intellectually I know this is because they put her ashes in a little wood box, but part of me wanted to say "Are you sure they didn't mix things up and give me a dead Rottweiler instead?" Thankfully, the mouth filter kicked in before I spit that one out. Dodged that bullet. But I did still laugh, a little. I am a terrible person. This was confirmed by the look the receptionist woman gave me.

Then I went out to the car. First I looked at the little memorial paw print they cast for us in clay, which is weirdly cute until you realize it was taken when she was dead, and then I pulled out the certificates from the pet crematorium that were in the bag. There was a bookmark with a poem, and then an actual certificate saying "Your special friend (Norbert) has received cremation services through us. We are sorry for your loss" and my first thought was "Well I hope she received cremation services, otherwise what the hell is in this freaking box?!" But I guess it's nice to know that they put a certificate in there in case we were wondering what happened to the cat and we were expecting to get her back taxidermied or freeze dried or something. Nope, just cremated, got a certificate to prove it.

That's when I did it. I pulled the wood box out of the bag and looked at it. My first thought was "What the hell?! This thing is literally sealed shut. How am I supposed to sprinkle her around Stalin if I can't get the box open?!" and then I wondered why they'd seal it so carefully. Maybe they charged me $120 and gave me a BS certificate but did not really provide cremation services. Maybe the world is being ripped off by The Man. So I did it. I shook the box to see if it sounded like there was anything inside. It did. Now, for all I know, it's the scrapings out of someone's fireplace or something, but at least there's a bag of something in there and I'm content to believe it's my cat. Or a Rottweiler. I'm just saying, that box was heavy.

Leave Your Message at the Beep

2011-02-09T10:59:00.003-05:00

I haven't disappeared. I just haven't had anything to write about. I've been in a bit of a funk the past week or so, and the words and rants and usual fodder for blog entries just aren't there right now.

So Long, Thanks For the Ride

2011-02-01T22:35:00.005-05:00

My cat died today. I know this is small and insignificant in the large scheme of universal affairs, but in my small and not so significant world, this matters. It matters for a lot of reasons. Norbert was the first pet Jason and I got when we moved in together. She has been with us through 9 years of our lives together. She was the first kitten we picked from her litter, she was all personality and attitude and she was probably the most fun pet we have ever owned. She was ours unconditionally. She loved no one in the same way as she loved us. And she loved no one in this world as much as she loved Jason. Even today, at the end of everything, she still tried to purr when he held her. She was our cat, and we loved her.

And, at the end of everything, I wasn't there. I didn't get to see her. For the second time in my life I found myself painfully absent as someone I loved passed away. I was somewhere else, and I didn't get to say goodbye. And I know she was a cat, and I know I will get over it eventually, but it's just another reminder of losing someone or something I care about and not having a chance to say goodbye. Once again, I should have been there, and I wasn't. That hurts.

Now, tonight, as I sit here in my house it seems too quiet without her. Nothing has changed really, but somehow it feels like there's a hole in here somewhere. Everything feels too still, like the house is waiting for her. Fluffy is waiting for her. She has been wandering the house, meowing like she's lost something, and I can't help but feel awful because she doesn't understand. And, frankly, neither do I. It wasn't supposed to end the way it did. But at least I can intellectualize it. But it figures that if Norbert was going to go out, it wouldn't be quietly. It's fitting that she'd ride out on a hellish blizzard, wreaking havoc on the innocent. She had no intention of going quietly.

So, farewell my Stalinistic little kitty. Thanks for letting us have 9 years. Sorry I missed the last minutes.

State of the Union Running Commentary

2011-01-25T21:44:00.002-05:00

While watching the State of the Union address I decided to write down everything Jason and I said out loud to the TV. For your enjoyment.

-Yay! It's not just superbowl winners, it's science fair winners!

-Yeah, become teachers. But first why don't you make some fucking teaching jobs?!

-Oh Boehner isn't clapping at that. He's just sitting there all orange and cranky.

-Everyone not clapping here must get money from insurance companies for their campaigns.

-Government is going to make sacrifices? I hope it's not a cow. That'll piss PETA off.

-Freeze spending? Shouldn't Boehner be peeing his pants over this?!

-The backs of our most vulnerable citizens? Isn't that like....everyone now?

-That plane analogy was kind of a fail. Without an engine you wouldn't feel impact because you wouldn't get off the ground.

-He wants to cut defense spending? The republicans aren't going to like that!

-Yes, let's make rich people pay more. It's not like they don't have it.

-Nice dig at privatization of social security. We all saw how well our 401Ks did after the market crashed....

-Boehner seemed surprised by that one.

-A competent government? What does that look like?

-Does anyone else think Biden look like he's not entirely sure of what's going on? Did anyone tell him it's the State of the Union tonight?

-Whoa, what was that John Boehner? What was with the shifty-eye shifty-eye?

-It's nice to see John McCain happy. Not really. Someone get Palin in here to be a buzzkill.

-They're talking about Iraq. Quick! Someone cut to a soldier from Afghanistan!

-Wow, lots people not standing on the Muslims being part of our American Family. They are probably sitting there like "Fuck those arabs and their turbans". Racists.

-Carl Levin looks like The Penguin from Batman comics.

-Hillary Clinton looks awful! Oh HD, how unkind you are to so many politicians.

-We've strengthened Asian alliances because we're all scared shitless of China. We saw those opening games at the Olympics.

-Yes, everyone has to stand and clap for the troops or they're unAmerican.

-Very stoic there generals.

-No one wants to be from Scranton.

-There he goes! He's gonna cry!

-Plan B, but don't worry republicans, it's not the birth control pill so get your panties out of a twist.

-Fuck he's a good speaker!

-At least no one booed.

A Moment of Silence for the Death of the Book

2011-01-25T15:28:00.006-05:00

I think the question I want to start off with here is this: DOESN'T ANYONE READ ANYMORE? I mean really, doesn't anyone ever just go out to pick up a book for the pure joy and anticipation of a good story? I ask this knowing that yes, people do read, and people out there still love a good story, but as I stand on the precipice of the traditional bookstore taking a nose dive, I find myself wondering if it's because of technology or if it's because people don't read. This question has been nagging at me for weeks, but last night it kind of boiled over in my rage pot (which is located behind my mouth, apparently) when I attended a school board meeting for our local school district. Jason did a big post about their attempt to integrate technology into the classroom, so you should hop over there and read what he had to say, but what struck me was the teacher statement in the presentation about how you can't expect a student to learn without technology. The comment was somewhere along the lines of "The kids are so tied to technology that you can't expect them to learn without it. You can't just hand them a book and expect them to get research out of it." My question here is: WHY THE HELL NOT?! Why can't we use books in addition to technology?

I've had this complaint for years, actually. I can't stand the fact that when I ask a student to research a subject for a report or a paper, I get a collection of Wikipedia pages in the works cited section. Really? That's the best you can do is Wikipedia? But the fact is, that's all they know. And isn't that a failure on us as teachers? I've heard from many teachers that if they tell the students that their research can't include any citations from Wikipedia, the classroom nearly breaks out into a riot. Heaven forbid they require one book source for research. I had that problem in my student teaching. We required the students to research their five paragraph essays and one of their three sources had to be a book. The most frightening thing for me was that they had no idea how to find a book with research information in it. Thank goodness for a really astute librarian. But honestly, even if books go digital, it seems as if people don't understand how to use them anymore. Everything is on the internet, but there is a real lack of understanding that the internet does not have an editor.

Perhaps what is the most difficult for me to understand is why people see technology as a replacement to legitimate written research. I mean, a book is a book, regardless of whether you are opening it from a libary or reading it on your iPad or Kindle. It's still an edited source of literature and information. So why do we think we can just replace that with a Podcast or something? Why do teachers think that the solution to their kids not paying attention in the classroom is to hand them an iPad. Sure, they'll be paying attention but it won't be to you. They'll be playing Angry Birds with the sound turned off. It is not a fix-all to the education system. I am not opposed to technology in the classroom. In fact, I love it. I think that when used properly it can enhance lessons and make them both interactive and interesting. If nothing else, PowerPoint presentations allow for constant visual aids which helps the visual learner. Videos, podcasts, and interactive learning quest programs are all amazing, and they can really enhance a traditional lesson. That's the key word, enhance. They don't replace good lesson writing and they don't automatically make your lesson great. You still have to have the proper source material to provide the information, regardless of how it is delivered. You don't get to just say "Oh, I put this on an iPad, now it's perfect". It still takes working at what you're doing.

And it still requires you to know what the hell you're talking about. I took a class in college where my History professor stood up in front of us on our first day of class and said "How many of you hated history in High School?". Most of the hands in the room went up. He then asked "How many of you had History taught by your football coach?" and nearly as many hands went up. He went on to tell us that history is uninteresting and boring when it comes from people who are just reading off names and dates, but that the subject was usually given to the Football coach because it was easy to read off names and dates. He said history is a living and breathing experience and unless you give it context, none of the names and dates matter. He couldn't have been more right. And I feel that way about this whole book issue. The internet, or any piece of technology, is just a series of binary code with information that may or may not be accurate. Until you breathe some life into the source material and give it some context, it means nothing. Books weave a story. The internet bullet points facts. And now, that's all our students are able to do.

For most of the high school students I know, reading is a huge chore when they have to "like...go through all of those words and figure out which parts are importantan and stuff". Websites are easy. They break everything down in a series of bullets. No thinking required. But I don't think the kids started out that way. I defy anyone to find me a person who can't name at least one story they loved from their childhood. In a failing book industry, Children's Books and Young Adult Books are the only areas consistently growing and outselling themselves year after year. So I don't believe that kids don't want to read. I think that somewhere along the way it just stops being an expectation because "they're so plugged into technology anyway..." and suddenly it becomes less interesting. Maybe the test scores went down not because we took laptops off of everyone's desks, but because we took books out of their hands.

But hey, what do I know. I just teach English. I just sell books. For now.

Zombie Free Zone

2011-01-24T10:55:00.002-05:00

When I say I felt like a zombie last week, I'm really not kidding. Only instead of walking around craving brains, I was walking around wishing I could breathe through my nose. I haven't been sick in two years, and apparently all of those cold viruses decided to pay me back for my years of neglect. I even called in sick to work. I never call in sick to work. It was bad. But, at this point I appear to be at the tail end of these germs taking over my immune system. White blood cells are prevailing! I picture it a lot like the battle in Star Wars where the rebels blow up the death star, only inside my body, and hopefully with fewer lasers being shot around because I'd imagine that might hurt me a bit. But still, I'm pretty sure it's exactly like that fight. In my mind.

The good news is, no one has missed much in my blogging absence because nothing has happened. Awesome. Well, nothing happened until this weekend, when Norbert the evil cat got sick and had to be taken to the vet. Stupid cats and their stupid genetic predisposition to bladder stones. Stupid stupidness. Now she's on a canned food only diet, which I'm pretty sure she believes is due to her hitting some sort of lotto jackpot. She's going to be pissed when she gets better and goes back to only getting canned food as a treat. But for now she's on canned food only and she is happy. And hopefully she gets better soon without the need of surgery or anything. I do not love the idea of surgery. That is WAY more expensive than we can afford for the time being. So I hope that the whole Star Wars thing is going on inside the cat too, where her prescription food is like the rebels blowing up the stupid stones in her stupid bladder. I'm going to start calling her food "Luke" from now on.

What Kind of People am I Attracting?!

2011-01-18T10:40:00.003-05:00

The other day I was reading Jason's blog, because I'm a good wife and I read all of the things that my husband puts on his blog to show an interest in his life and keep the magic alive. Or I just like to read crap he posts. Either way. ANYWAY, I was reading Jason's blog and he had this post (like that shameless plug to get you to go read his blog?) about information that blogger tracks about your blog. We have this nifty little "Stats" tab where we can see different stats on blog traffic etc. After reading his post, I realized I've never really looked at my own stats tab, so I hopped over to my own page and decided to investigate. First of all, let me say that I'm a bit blown away that my page has had over 1,500 views from the US alone. there are another 300 or so scattered across various countries outside of the US with the UK being my #2 supporter. So hey, thanks Britain. I like you too. But my point here is, who the hell knew I was so freaking popular? I mean, I'm not getting comments and junk, I don't have a bunch of followers, but people have at least been clicking over to my site. Awesome.

And that brings me to ways people have managed to find my site. Not surprisingly, most of the people coming over here are referred by Facebook because I'm a shameless attention whore and post a link on Facebook every time I update my blog. So Facebook people, thanks for doing the clickety click. Most of the other people coming to the site were referred from Google.

This is where my story gets weird. I can see what keywords people have searched that have led them to my page. Most of the keywords were for photos of laundry, which makes sense since I used a bunch of them in this post. Apparently laundry photos are popular. So that's innocent enough. It wasn't until I got to the last set of keywords that I went "WHAT THE WHAT?!" and wondered what kind of people are coming to my blog. That last set of keywords...hit vagina. Seriously?! How the heck did the words "hit vagina" pop up my blog for someone in a google search? I have never done a post about vaginas, let alone hit vaginas, so I'm so confused. I went through the photos I've used in posts, and none of them look like a hit vagina. I don't think I've ever used that phrase in a post, so who is looking for hit vaginas and finding me? So weird.

Of course now, after I post this, I'm going to end up getting hits from TONS of searches for that keyword grouping because I've used it a million times, but at least now I feel like it's justified. And to all of you who made it over here by searching for "hit vagina", welcome. I hope you're not pervs.

In Loving Memory of AWESOME.

2011-01-15T11:46:00.002-05:00

Why is it that all of the best stuff gets discontinued? Jell-o Gelatin Pops, MicroMagic Microwave fries, Apple Cinnamon Eggo Waffles, and the delicious confection you see over here to the left...the Philadelphia Cheesecake Bar. Oh how I miss you.

A few months ago, when I decided to make my first actual from scratch cheesecake, and I realized that it's a lot of work to make one that looks pretty (those bitches crack through the center like it's their job) I suddenly remembered my apartment dwelling days when we would buy these cheesecake snack bars. Then I suddenly wondered if they made those anymore and after a quick Google search discovered that they did not. Saddest face ever. I found recipes to make cheesecake bars, but I don't want that. I don't want to go through the work of making these little bars and then trying to keep them fresh in my fridge until I can manage to consume the entire thing. No. I want to go to the store, spend entirely too much money on a package of 6 little cheesecake snack bars that are individually wrapped for freshness, take them home and put them in my fridge until one night I come home from work and think "I want a sweet and delicious snack" and consume nearly the entire box because they were that good. That is what I want to do. But I can't do that anymore because the evil people at Philadelphia Cream Cheese decided that my delicious cheesecake bars should be discontinued. Bastards.

But, in my search I did find out that they make ready to eat pre-made cheesecake filling so maybe that'll have to do if I'm ever desperate.

Dammit! I Don't Eat Salad.

2011-01-13T12:42:00.005-05:00

When I first started dating I never went through that awkward phase where you go to dinner with a guy and you want to impress him so you just order a salad so you look like you're health conscious and you don't want him to spend a lot of money for you. This is for several reasons.

1. I started dating when I was 16 and dates typically consisted of going out with a large group of friends.

2. I never let the guy pay. And by "guy" I mean Jason, because I decided to latch on to the first guy who showed me any attention and marry that sucker. But my point is, I never let him pay*. I was raised to take care of myself and pay my own way through life, and that meant that I firmly believed he had no business paying for my meals, and since I was paying I ordered whatever the hell I wanted.

3. I have the pallet of a 5 year old. Even if I did order the most expensive thing I wanted from the menu, it was typically the $9.99 chicken tenders and fries. Picky eaters may be a pain in the ass, but they're cheap.

So now that I've reached adulthood, I'm struck with this weird dilemma. When I was working for the psycho boss in the company from Hell, the team would often go out to lunch and she would put it onto her purchase card. We'll skip the rant on how I don't think taking the team out to lunch 2 or 3 times a week should be expensed to the company. So anyway, we'd go to lunch at one of the two places available to get lunch in Amish-ville Ohio and everyone would order a salad of some type. Well crap, I don't eat salad. I have a lot of reasons, but the most primary is that I just don't like it. Lettuce isn't very intersting, salad dressing grosses me out because there are texture issues there for me that I don't even want to get into but trust me, it makes me want to gag. I don't eat a ton of veggies, so most of those would go to waste anyway. So, bottom line, I don't like salad. But salad is cheap, which is why girls order it on dates. It's $5 for a pretty decent sized restaurant salad. But here I am, looking at the menu and thinking "I really just want chicken tenders..." and realizing that those chicken tenders are almost twice the price of the salads everyone else is ordering. Shit. Now I have the dilemma of being the person who takes advantage of someone else's generocity by ordering the most expensive thing out of everyone at the table. No one wants to be "that guy". I got through this at the company from Hell by telling myself that I was on travel funding from the company and my lunch would be expensed regardless of who paid, so I might as well order what I want.

Then yesterday two of our vendor reps took my co-worker and I out to lunch, which was SUPER generous of them and again, I love these guys, so it was nice to have the opportunity to sit around and have some interesting conversation for an afternoon. Especially for me, who never takes a lunch break at work. But we got there and everyone was ordering salads. Shit. I ended up ordering grilled chicken skewers, which were relatively inexpensive and adequately lunch portioned so that I wasn't left with a ton of food that I couldn't finish, which is also a dilemma because you don't want to order the more expensive thing and then waste 80% of it. And I almost always waste a ton of whatever I order because I don't eat much. So, I went with that, but it was still $3 more than what everyone else ordered. And I still sat there wondering if I was "that guy". I really don't want to be "that guy".

Hell, even at my cousin's wedding when we were told repeatedly to order literally whatever we wanted because in the words of her new husband "We have a minimum tab we're required to hit here people. Order up!" I still was seriously afraid of being "that guy". I ended up ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. And by "I", I mean I mentioned that it sounded like it would be good and my cousin's husband ordered for me and then looked at me and said "Hello! Minimum tab!" But still, I felt bad. Well, I sort of felt bad, since everyone else was ordering the same thing, or ordering pricy entrees and then adding lobster tails to them. So I guess the risk of me being "that guy" was lower. Plus the restaurant had my favorite wine, which I'd already gone through two glasses of, so my judgement might have been altered.

I think my point here is that I either need to learn to like salad, which I don't think is going to happen, or I just need to not let people buy me lunch anymore. I mean, I already have guilt from letting someone spend money on me in the first place, and then I have to worry about ordering anything other than a salad and it just becomes stressful. I am not accustomed to letting people buy me things, even if it is just lunch. Or maybe we just need to pick lunch places that don't serve salad. GENIUS!

*Disclaimer: My refusal to allow Jason to ever pay for my meals in no way reflects upon his chivalry as he constantly tried to pay for me on dates and I constantly refused to let him. In fact, the first time he ever paid for my dinner somewhere, he tricked me into it because I lost a bet. I'm just a stubborn cow. Well...not a cow, because cows eat grass, which is like salad and I don't eat salad. I'm a stubborn something else.

Kindness in Unexpected Places

2011-01-12T13:52:00.003-05:00

I've never been a Scarlett O'Hara type, meaning that I don't walk around thinking "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" because let's face it, I'm stubborn and pretty stinkin' self sufficient. It's the way I was raised, I can't help it. But, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate kindness when people offer it to me and I try to show them kindness in return. That does not, however, make me a kind person. Or at least I don't think it does. I want to think of myself as a kind person because no one really wants to sit around and think of themselves as an asshole. It's a bit of a downer. But, when I take a good hard look at myself I sort of wonder what I do for others that is just genuinely kind and for no other reason than to make them happy. It's not a ton. In fact, I sort of realized that sometimes I can be a bit of a selfish hose beast. I know right?! What a crazy thing to admit! And I always think "You know, if I had more money I would go to a restaurant for dinner and I would pick someone out while I was there and just pay their bill for them, but I don't have that kind of money". Except that kindness doesn't need to be attached to a dollar sign. And I try to do things for people that are nice just for the sake of being nice, but I'm not sure I do it often enough. I have always thought that the work I do with the drama department has been a pretty extravagant act of kindness, since it's all volunteer and I put a lot of work into it for kids who wouldn't necessarily have anyone else to help them out, but I haven't spent much time doing that work these days due to demands at work outweighing the volunteer work I enjoy doing. So maybe I need to find more ways to show kindness.

This all sort of came to my mind after I watched my 60+ year old neighbor shovel our sidewalk in front of our house for us. He's done it several times this winter, and he's never asked for any thanks or anything. In fact, up until this morning, we never even saw him doing it. We would just come home and there would be a freshly shoveled sidewalk in front of our house. How incredibly kind is that? I did see him doing it this morning while walking the dog and thanked him profusely (and as soon as I'm not germy I'm going to make a cookie plate for him and his wife) for being so nice and he responded that he should thank us for giving him the opportunity to get the exercise. Nicest ever!

I've also come to realize that nice acts aren't always actual actions. I had a conversation earlier this week with a co-worker about how sometimes support comes from the most unexpected places. You expect your family to offer up support, and your friends, but there are people out there who are just incredibly kind and supportive despite having no obligation to do so. I have worked with the owner of a publishing distributor for about 5 years now and over that time I've developed a friendship with him that I've come to really enjoy. When I mentioned that no one knows who will be here and who won't next week because we all know there are layoffs coming down the pipeline, he said something about being one of my biggest fans and always willing to offer references or any help he can. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it was kind of a big deal. It made me feel really great to know that someone I've worked with has such a high opinion of me, especially someone who actually doesn't work within my company. It was pretty awesome. And incredibly kind.

So I'm just thinking that maybe I need to figure out more ways to be kind to more people. I know it makes me feel great when others are kind to me, so I think it's time I paid that forward. Especially on days when I'm feeling like a selfish bitch.

Memory, Not Just A Matching Game For Kids

2011-01-11T14:42:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about the human memory earlier today, and how strange it is that we remember some things really vividly while other things slip our minds completely. I'm not sure what it is that causes our brains to say "Hey, keep this info for later" but I have discovered throughout my life that I have a wealth of pretty useless knowledge floating around in my head. I mean, think about it, what do you remember now from when you were a kid? What do you remember from a year or two ago? And isn't it weird how the strangest things can cause us to remember something? I know that in the summer, if the humidity and weather are just right there's this smell in the air and it always makes me think of when I worked late nights at the Frosty Boy when I was in high school. Or when my windows fog up on my car really early in the morning during spring and the wipers can't seem to keep up with the fog, I always remember a trip we took to Florida where the salt in the air made the windshield impossible to keep clear even with wiper fluid. I see a beat up old Ford Aerostar and I think about the trip we took to NYC the summer after I graduated high school in my dad's old Aerostar which we dubbed "The Ghetto Van".

I mean, if you think about it for long enough, I'm sure there are things you can remember but have no idea why your brain is holding onto this knowledge. Examples I have from the top (or middle, or whatever that memory part of your brain is located) of my head:

My grandma's phone number is 434-0268. She hasn't had that phone number since she moved in with my parents when I was 9. And now, well, she doesn't have a phone because phonecalls from beyond the grave are creepy.
The paint colors in my house that I can remember are as follows: Living room is Sauteed Mushroom, Red in the library and kitchen is Brick Dust, Beige in the kitchen is Camel, Laundry room is Golden Fleece, bedroom is Persian Blue, basement hallways are Belgian Waffle, basement family room is Weeping Willow. Why the heck do I remember this crap?!
My telephone number in the apartment was 528-2052, dial down the center.
My brother was born on a Sunday.
The chemical equasion for sulfuric acid is H2SO4.
When I was 3, my sister was crying in her crib and my parents were outside. I didn't want to bother them so I climbed into her crib and took her bottle out, then filled it with Coke and my mom came in while I was trying to climb back into the crib to give it to her. When she asked why I was giving my sister Coke I responded with "Well, I like it".
My first term paper, written when I was in the 7th grade was about the Phillipines. I got an A on it.

That's just a few things. But seriously, we remember a lot of stuff! And don't even get me started on how I can usually come up with the majority of the lyrics to a song I haven't heard since I was 7 years old, or how I can come up with movie lines like it's my job. I'm sure there are people who have done extensive studies on what we remember and how we remember it and all of that good stuff, so I'm sure people understand how all of this works, but I'm not marveling so much at how it works as I am at how much our brains seem to be able to hold, and how long they are able to hold that stuff. Of course, don't ask me what I was doing last Monday at 6:45, because I have no freaking clue. I don't remember.

I Excel At Being Unproductive

2011-01-10T11:52:00.005-05:00

In update to Friday's big "I need a project" blog, would you like to know what I accomplished this weekend? Nothing. Nope. I went to a game night on Friday night and by the time I got home and had walked the dogs, I realized I felt like a zombie and my sinuses suddenly felt like they might explode. This carried over into a super pleasant Saturday morning wake up where I realized I felt like junk. But, being the trooper that I am, I popped some cold pills like an addict and took my dogs out to play in the exercise yards at the dog kennel my friend Scott works for. So we stood out in the cold for a little over an hour watching the dogs chase each other and play fetch and then we packed them back into the car and dropped them at home where they passed out hard core and Sam didn't even have the energy to get into the trash while we were gone. Excellent. Then there was the Cadee Bug's first birthday party where we had cake and ice cream and watched her coat herself in a pretty hefty layer of bubble gum pink frosting, as you can see here.

By the time I got home, I wanted to DIE. STUPID COLD. First world problems, I know, but I had planned on being productive and cleaning up the house that evening. Instead I laid on the couch watching How To Train Your Dragon and the crappy GI Joe movie. First movie, excellent, second movie kinda ridiculous. Then I fell asleep in a cold medicine haze and woke up at 11:00 on Sunday feeling marginally better. But Sunday brings its own chores like laundry, grocery shopping etc. so I got nothing done other than the standard Sunday chores before we had to go to my dad's birthday party where we discovered that grandpa's don't get cake when there are babies around.
Then we went to see "The King's Speech" with Jeff and Chrissy and by the time we got home the night was pretty much all tied up and I reflected on the fact that I got nothing done all weekend. Well, that's not entirely true, I did make a batch of pizza dough so we'd be able to make dinner tonight before the school board meeting, but that was about it. I had at least intended to go pick up some paint chips to tape on the walls in the bedroom and bathroom so that I could get a better idea of what colors I really wanted to do when we eventually paint the place, but I didn't even do that. Plus, I'm not entirely sure Jason is convinced about this painting thing. I may have to work that angle a bit more before I can start busting out some rollers. But first I need to get rid of this stupid cold. STUPID COLD!

So for those of you who were talking about how I'm too motivated and all of that, well.....apparently I'm all talk. Maybe I'll change my mind next weekend. We'll see how it goes.

In Search of a Project

2011-01-07T14:09:00.004-05:00

A few years ago Jason and I were living in his mom's house and we started doing some small renovation projects like updating the bathrooms and putting in tile floors etc. because at the time we anticipated purchasing the house from her. Fast forward to several years later when the market took a dump and suddenly we could afford a lot more house for a lot less money. Bonus! So we ended up purchasing our own house, but what we discovered in our renovations and projects at his mom's house was that we really like doing renovations and projects. Well...that's mostly true. We like them for a while and then get burned out by the end of a project and decide not to do any others for a while. But, after enough time passes, I start to get the itch to tackle something new. Luckily our new house gave us a lot of opportunity for that. To begin with, the entire thing needed to be painted which I kind of recapped a bit back after we bought the place. See this post for some photos of that. That was the semi-cheap project, since paint is one of the most inexpensive things you can do to change the way a house looks. And I like to paint, so it was a win all the way around. So after we painted we took to arranging furniture and decorating, which doesn't sound like a project but it really can be. Figuring out what you want to do with a place isn't as easy as they make it seem on HGTV. And our house still isn't exactly catalog style awesome. By that I mean it actually looks lived in. But, the decorating portion was fun. I think one of my favorite decorating projects was beaching up our guest bath.
I walked past that room for days just staring in and thinking about how much I liked it. And it made me want to give our bathroom some personality too, but since I haven't decided what kind of personality I want it to have yet, it remains pretty untouched.

So we finished up that project around the time I discovered http://www.ana-white.com/ where you can download fairly simple furniture plans you can build yourself that look pretty close to pieces you can buy in high end stores like Pottery Barn. Awesome. So, when Jason lamented that he needed a bookcase for his office, we built him one. And it turned out pretty well. In fact, so well that I kind of got bitten by this wood working bug that inspired me to want to build a lot of things. So, I decided that I was going to build toy boxes for my niece and nephew for Christmas. This was one of those best laid plans that oft go awry since I didn't take into account several factors like umm...losing my job, or almost immediately getting a new job after I had already taken a retail job which meant I had two jobs and therefore almost no time to work on the toy boxes and oh yes, it was a week before Christmas. Brilliant. I also didn't take into account that my saw was going to suck balls and freeze up mid-cut on most of the lumber, thus causing me to have choppy and uneven cuts. Thanks a lot saw! But, Jason came to the rescue because he was recently rendered unemployed and he did the bulk of the work on them while I was at work and they turned out pretty awesome despite some flaws and setbacks. We learned that there are few mistakes that can't be covered with enough wood putty and paint, so in the end we had these to take with us on Christmas Morning.

I was pretty happy with them. But that was kind of the last project on my list. So now I'm sitting here thinking that I might want to tackle another project, but I'm not sure what. I mean, there are several on my list but a lot of them are cost prohibitive right now due to the whole job situation, and some are outdoor projects that won't really work in the middle of January. I want to build a deck on the back of our house, for example, but that's both weather AND cost prohibitive right now. I want to do some more landscaping too, which won't work in the winter. I have been mulling over replacing the carpet in the basement with something else, but that could get pretty expensive pretty fast depending on what we replace it with. I keep leaning toward laminate floors, but I don't want really crummy ones that are going to damage easily. So that might be a project for later as well. Jason wants to paint the "water closet", i.e. toilet room in our master bath which is a pretty quick fix since we have the white paint already as well as painting our closets on the first floor because they still smell musty like the house did when we moved in. That "not lived in" smell lingers. And again, that's easy because we have the stuff we need to do it. So why not just "git 'er done"? Mostly because I hate painting white. It's boring. I want something fun. For about 8 months now I've been toying with repainting our bedroom. I find the dark brown and blue color scheme a bit too dark for my liking, and I'm having an impossible time finding curtains that will fit with either color. I saw this photo posted on Young House Love back in May...

...and immediately went "I LOVE THAT" because for some reason blue and green make me happy. And we already have an apple green duvet in our bedroom (I'm not a huge fan of prints) that was out of place with the dark walls. I like this brighter blue, and I love the dark wood furniture in contrast to the brightness of the rest of the room. We don't have dark furniture at the moment, but it's on that goal list of stuff we want to eventually buy. I've had my eye on this bed for years. But I find myself wondering if I could paint the room anyway and just coordinate it with our white furniture for now (because white goes with everything right?) and then later pull in the dark woods for a more stark contrast. And I want to marry those green curtains. I want them. Yesssssss. And, since our bathroom is currently the same color as our bedroom, I would have to paint it as well, which could solve our problem of giving our master bath some personality. I to coordinate with the blue/green in the master bedroom, I thought about painting the bathroom a more subtle green (but not minty green because Jason HATES minty green) like this, again stolen from Young House Love.
I'm not generally a huge fan of their style because it's a bit too safe for my tastes, but I read the blog because I love a good project and this green in their bathroom was pretty nice. Plus, I love the dark wood from the previous inspiration picture so I wanted to carry it into our bathroom. And this pairing they put together worked pretty well. It was kind of what I had been picturing in my head, so this wasn't a bad inspiration picture to explain where my thoughts are going. So, in addition to the pale green paint and dark wood, I have this thing for Cherry Blossoms lately, so I have been trying to think of ways to incorporate that into the batroom for a more spa-like feeling, which you kind of get in our beached up bathroom now that it's actually finished and stuff. So, I have been toying with artwork we could use, or ways to sort of incorporate that into the room. I was thinking something like this, only with a more beige or green background. Or even black on white. So that's where my brain is going at the moment. And I'm thinking that since it would be the cost of two gallons of paint to get a jump start on this, I kind of want to do it. But, who knows, tomorrow I might wake up and completely change my mind and realize I'm still sick of projects. But probably not. I'll keep you posted.

Bewilderment from a Non-Parent

2011-01-06T13:59:00.002-05:00

I will be the first to admit that I don't know everything about parenting. This is primarily because I am not actually a parent. I don't have children and I probably won't for the forseeable future. This does not mean, however, that I don't understand children and that I do not love some children as much as I would love my own. I am actually trained to understand children, since that's part of the whole "being a teacher" thing. So no, I'm not a parent, but I'm not fully unaware or incapable of understanding what goes into raising a kid. I start with this statement because whenever I talk to parents and say things like "Have you thought about using a sticker sytem for potty training so she can work up to a goal and get a reward for using the potty?" while in conversation I'm immediately met with "You don't understand, you don't have kids". So, apparently not having kids means I'm totally unaware of anything having to do with kids. Or perhaps, because I'm outside of the situation I am able to look at it objectively and offer suggestions based on what my other friends who have kids have seen success with.

This brings me to the subject of this blog which, believe it or not, is not actually about how I don't have kids. I could go on and on about why I don't have kids and all of that, but if I wanted guilt for not having children I'd call my dozens of relatives who are constantly asking when we're going to have kids. No, the subject of this blog is mommies. Not mothers of children. There is a distinct difference. There are moms, mothers etc. and then there are mommies. Normally when I tell this story there is vocal inflection on that word, but alas we are on a printed blog and you'll just have to deal with the italics. I coined this term years ago after attending a birthday party a friend of mine was throwing for her son's first birthday. Nearly every guest there was toting an infant or a toddler and I stood there observing patterns like I was some sort of part time sociologist. There were 3 groups. There were the parents, who mingled between people with children and the people who didn't have children while their kids played nearby on the lawn or in the sandbox. There were the people without kids, who kept to themselves as a group but occasionally mingled with the parents. Then there were the mommies. A group of women who clucked like hens and put their children at the center of their circle where they proceeded to spend all of their time talking about their children and if anyone who did not have children attempted to have a conversation with any of them, they were immediately shut out because apparently these women were incapable of discussing anything outside the realm of diapers. In fact, when I asked one of these women how old her daughter was she replied "14 months. How old is yours?" and I said "Oh, I don't have kids" and she gave me this odd look, then turned away from me and started a conversation with the nearest mommy. It was a bit insulting. And throughout the rest of the day the mommies isolated themselves and their children (children of mommies can only play with other children of mommies apparently) and continued to show no interest in anything beyond the circle of babies. I later learned that these women were part of the play group my friend joined while she wasn't working, in the hopes that she would be able to get out of the house and get some adult conversation that didn't revolve around her kid. She quickly learned that play group was the wrong place to expect that, but felt obligated to invite the women to the party anyway since they had all invited her to theirs.

So began the use of the phrase mommies to describe women whose lives revolve around nothing beyond their children. Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to want to be devoted to your children and give them as much attention as you can, but this idea of your entire world revolving around nothing but your children tends to breed kids who actually believe the world revolves around them and well.....that's not good. And I've noticed a trend among mommies. They don't want their children to grow up. I get that whole parenting thing where it's hard to watch your child, who was just a baby, grow up and need you less. But I've noticed that mommies actually try to prevent their kids from growing away from them. Some of them do it by breastfeeding for 3 years, some of them do it by letting the kid have their pacifier until they're 5, some of them to it in strange ways like refusing to cut their child's hair because it would be admitting that the kid is growing up. This is something I seriously don't understand, and at its heart I think it's selfish. I've heard a lot of mommies say that they're not ready for their kid to make their next milestone and I just think "So what? The kid is ready!" I can't fathom trying to somehow hold a child back in something or not push them forward toward a milestone simply because you aren't ready to see it happen. That seems so unfair to the child. And I have to wonder if the reason so many mommies aren't ready is because they lose their sense of purpose when the kid becomes more independent. Because their world revolves around the child, the child growing up is probably not exactly welcome because it means having to change part of your world view. I can't imagine what these mommies are like when their kids go to school. Of course, most of them probably home school so they don't have to give up the center of the universe for any portion of the day.

I guess at the end of the day, I just don't understand mommies. I want people to love their children and be devoted to them, and I want them to spend time with their children, but for their sake I also want them to have other interests and other things they enjoy outside of the home and outside of the circle of their children so that some day when those children grow up, these women don't have a freakin' meltdown. That's all I'm saying...

So Grim, I Should Become A Reaper

2011-01-05T12:22:00.004-05:00

So, as most people know, it's been kind of a rough year for jobs in the Berry household. There was the 6 month contract job, then the utter lack of job over the summer, then the nearly 90 days of hell at the last job, then coming back to Borders just to have the company realize they're flat broke and face the future reality that I will most likely be out of a job again very soon. And that's just me, that doesn't even go into what Jason's been doing. But, suffice it to say, it's been a rough year. There are some pin pricks of hope out there on the horizon for me, but that's all they are at the moment. No guarantee that anything will become reality. And, at the end of the day, this just leaves me craving a bit of stability. I think about all of the mess Jason and I have had to deal with the past year and the truth is that we've been really lucky. We haven't had to sacrifice as much as a lot of other people have, and we haven't had to worry constantly about being able to pay our bills. It's been stressful, yes, and more than a little frustrating, but it hasn't left us desperate and hopeless. We're very lucky in that. There are people who have lost their homes, there are people who have been out of work for two years and now their children are dropping out of college to work a minimum wage job (or sometimes multiple minimum wage jobs) just to help their parents make ends meet. When I think about how all I want is stability and some medical insurance, I also have to remind myself that there are a lot of people out there right now who are doing a lot worse.

This brings me to the outraged part of this entry, because despite everything that may happen in life, I am still me and therefore still prone to outrage. What has me outraged is that it seems like no matter what happens, the little guy can't seem to catch a break in this world. I keep hearing that a lot of large corporations are now posting higher profits than they have in the past couple of years which, in theory, should be translating into more jobs, but it's not. It's not translating into anything other than more profits and more money in the pockets of large shareholders and corporate executives. Any new jobs being created are being created in China, or India where those corporate fat cats can pay workers less and therefore increase their profits even more. In a country that is still struggling, despite what some analysts will tell us about how we're starting on an "upswing" it is blowing my mind that we're still creating jobs in other places rather than here where people need them. We have the workforce. We have people who are intelligent and skilled and down on their luck, but they don't seem to catch a break. And, for thsoe companies who ARE hiring people, we are seeing lower wages being offered because they know people are desperate and will take whatever they can get right now, so why pay more if you don't have to? And instead of hiring more workforce, they are putting added pressure on employees to work more hours, give up more of their personal lives, spend more time pledging their lives to "the company" because in the end that corporation ends up getting more work for less money. It is unfair, and it's wrong. It's enough to make you sick. And then we have politicians making comments about valuing education and how we ened to get our education system on track, but we are giving no future to the educated person. Why should a student go to college and end up with $30K or more in loan debt just to get out of college and realize there are no jobs for you, and you have to figure out how to make a $400 per month loan payment while making $7.75 an hour working retail somewhere. We want better teachers, but we don't have a system in place to employ all of the teachers who are graduating with this new and improved training.

The republican solution of allowing states to go bankrupt so they can break their union contracts is wrong and unfair. I know a lot of anti-union people out there, but being the little guy who got let go for no real reason except that someone didn't like me, I would have killed to have a union there to represent me and say "You don't get to do that". Cutting contracts simply because they belong to union run companies who have someone to protect the employees from getting screwed over and pain less than they are worth so someone can turn a higher profit kind of sucks. Or not moving the debt cap, so that we will not just screw over our own economy but also the global economy? Brilliant idea republicans. Let's take that one to the bank and cash it.

In short, I am worried about the future, for myself and for the rest of the country. I'm worried about people who need jobs and can't find them. I'm worried about people who have jobs but are constantly afraid of losing them. I'm worried about where we are going as a country. And the most frustrating and infuriating part is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can vote, which I do, but beyond that there isn't a lot that I have the power to do to change the way things are going, and I really hate the feeling of helplessness I'm left with on a regular basis. The most I can do is keep on keepin' on, and doing the best I can for whatever amount of time I am able to do it, but it's time for a break. It's time for someone to say enough is enough and give the little people some help. We're tired, and we're scared, and we're angry. The banks got a break and a bailout, the auto companies got a break, the corporate fat cats are always getting breaks. Where is ours?

There's A Reason God Invented Wine

2010-12-29T11:19:00.005-05:00

As we come to a close on yet another holiday season, I've come to the conclusion that Benjamin Franklin was right when he said "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" because according to everyone I've talked to, alcohol is the only thing that has gotten them through the holiday season. Once upon a time I thought this was some sort of little joke that you just saw as a cliche in movies where mom sneaks off to the kitchen to take a few hits from her bottle of Schnapps while grandma sits in the other room criticizing the cleanliness of the household. Now that I've grown older, I am beginning to realize that the movies are cliche because they are SO TRUE. Every cliche is rooted in some form of truth somewhere along the line, and the overuse of that truth makes it the cliche. Who knew, right? But after talking to several friends about how they spent their holidays and it has boiled down to mostly one common statement: "With a beer in one hand and my dignity in another".

This brings me to a question I've been rolling around in my head for a long time. What is it about families in general that makes people crazy when they have to spend time with them? I've always thought "Surely it can't be all families who are like this" but I'm starting to think that maybe it is. I love my family, and I like holidays with my family, but I'm starting to realize that maybe it's because holidays for us are super low pressure. We've never tried to fit into some Norman Rockwell painting of what a holiday is supposed to look like. Truth be told, everyone is damn lucky if my mom gets out of her pajamas all day on Thanksgiving or Christmas. For us it's about food and watching tv. And maybe that's how other people should be, if spending holidays together is so excruciating. Of course, I don't write one of those rosy "We were all snuggled in together in our cozy little house enjoying the warmth and joy of togetherness and love" blogs because the last time I checked, I don't live in a Thomas Kinkaid painting and life is a messy ball of crap for the world, so I'm not going to pretend that there are never holiday blow ups in my family. But, for the most part, I don't require a ton of alcohol to get through the day. Not to say my dad wouldn't provide it upon request. Dad was a bartender once upon a time. The man knows his mixed drinks.

This brings me to another question I've had about holidays. Why is it that the people we're related to, the people we love most or the people we should depend on during our darkest times are also the ones we find ourselves, on occasion, thinking about bludgeoning with the nearest table lamp? What is it about family that makes people crazy? Is it that they are possibly the only people who truly know us for all of our flaws and misgivings and therefore they know exactly which buttons to push to send us over the edge? Or is it that because they are family, we find it easy to take them for granted because we assume they will always be there when needed? Maybe it's a combination of both. And while I am not a religious person, I think if there is a higher power out there, they knew what they were doing when they sent us both families and alcohol. Family and alcohol go together like wine and cheese. Sometimes you need one to balance the other out. Just a thought.

My Cat Has Super Powers

2010-12-28T12:20:00.002-05:00

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that my cat doesn't have super powers. You are both wrong and incapable of understanding all of the power that can be packed into a cat this size. He's 20 lbs of giant cat cuddle and he is a force to be reckoned with. Most people don't realize it because so few people actually get to see him. He's a bit shy, and he doesn't socialize with visitors often. There are a few exceptions of people he has decided he loves upon first meeting, but it's rare. Most people have to win him over. But none of this really has anything to do with his super powers. It's just an intro to my good pal Errol, aka Chubbs.

No, the super power is evil and stealthy. See, my pal Chubbs there is a big fat kitty. He's practically got his own gravitational pull, and as a result, his primary job seems to be generating body heat. On top of that, he's got super soft cuddly fur which helps hold in all of that body heat. So when he sits on your lap, or cuddles up against you he's so warm and snuggly and suddenly you find yourself getting sleepy. Very very sleepy. That's right, my cat can put you to sleep like it's his friggin' job. I defy anyone to let him lay on their lap and not start to get drowsy. Even Jason, who never naps and rarely just nods off on the sofa, is powerless to resist it. Ten minutes of Errol snuggle and he's out. It can't be helped. The cat lulls you into comfort and a sense of security and then you are asleep and you don't even remember when it happened. I'm convinced this is part of Norbert's doing, as she is probably having him test his powers so that some day she can have him put us to sleep and then kill us in our sleep, or at the very least arrange a sacrifice to her demon gods of evil.

On Sunday I laid on the couch watching Jason play video games and the next thing I know, Errol is laying on my chest and I've been sleeping for 4 hours. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! I'm telling you, this cat had better use his powers for good instead of evil.

Women Are So Irresponsible

2010-12-27T13:08:00.002-05:00

Today I was sitting at work eating my lunch and trolling my usual set of Hollywood gossip blogs when I clicked over to People.com and saw the headline that Natalie Portman is engaged and *gasp* also pregnant. Scandal! Except that it's really not, because we've evolved into a society where, especially in Hollywood, marriage equals neither happiness or longevity. This is not to say that I am opposed to marriage because well....last time I checked there's a big fatty ring on my finger and all of the commitment, baggage and responsibility that comes with it. But the point is, society as a whole is moving away from this idea that marriage is a necessity when it comes to having children or stability. In fact, situations like the one we're seeing with Natalie Portman where it's like "Oh look, I'm pregnant, better get engaged" so people can appease the expectations of society and family are the ones that most often fail after a very short period of time. And the true irony of it all is that we have the homosexual population fighting so hard to get the right to enter a legal marriage and being denied the right because it violates the sanctity of marriage that the heterosexual portion of the population tossed out the window years ago.

But none of this is my point. I'm getting there, eventually, when I finish rambling. Anyway, after reading the short article on Natalie, I did the ultimate sin of all blog reading. I started reading the comments. Anyone who wants to keep their blood pressure low should avoid reading comments on blogs or news articles because the stupidity of some people is so astounding that you do find yourself wondering how they exist in this world without getting beaten over the head with sticks. And if we ever do decide to beat them, I'll volunteer. So, as I scroll through the comments I see several about how terrible it is that she isn't even married yet and is pregnant. I expected that, I really did. What I didn't expect was the comment that read "There is enough supporting research out there that indicates that children are better off in married families. Developmentally, financially, psychologically, etc... Women should keep this in mind!"

And then my head exploded.

I'm so offended by this comment because it completely pins the blame for unplanned pregnancy on the woman involved. Really? Because I'm pretty sure some jackass's penis was involved at some point. Ok, that's unfair. I'm sure that more often than not, the penis owner is not actually a jackass, but you get my point. I have no idea why people get this impression that it's only women involved in unplanned pregnancy, or that it's only women who are responsible for children born out of wedlock. Yes, women have birth control, but it fails. And if the guy involved is at all concerned about that happening, then he should double bag it as a back up plan. I am concerned that women tend to get labeled as the irresponsible ones in these situations. More than that, I find it so interesting that more often than not, people believe that the women may have done something on purpose to make sure they got pregnant, or that they somehow wanted it because all women want ten thousand babies right? It's genetically wired into us right? I mean I know that 99% of my thoughts throughout the day involve babies and wanting ten thousand of them, so I'm sure everyone else must be the same or something. Or MAYBE, just MAYBE women are typically nurturing and motherly beings but they still have a working brain and often understand that maybe ten thousand babies just isn't the right choice for them. I just love that WOMEN are the only ones who have to remember that chilren are better off in married families. And I'm sure this is a true statement, if the married family is stable and nurturing and creates a positive environment for the children. Of course, there are those abusive marriages and the home lives that come with them to consider. I'm sure the kids are better in those married families right?

So I guess my point is that I'm so sick of women being deamonized for something that is also the part of another person involved in the situation, and that person often gets off completely unscathed. I blame that fucking Adam and Eve. And maybe god since he set Eve up to take the fall for all the bullshit that was about to go down by eating some tasty fruit. Why didn't he pick Adam? I'm just sayin'...As a woman I'm tired of hearing about how irresponsible we are when men are also irresponsible. Sometimes I wonder if it were men having babies if the irresponsibility would finally fall on them, but I doubt it.

And this is not to bash men, really, because most of my friends are men and honestly I prefer their lack of drama and theatrics and their honesty, so I have a lot of respect for men. I'm just saying that I can't stand listening to women take the fall for something where there was also a penis involved as well. I'm just saying being a woman comes with a lot of bullshit sometimes, and we should all remember that.

And congrats to Natalie Portman and stuff...

Adventures With An Elderly Dog

2010-12-21T12:29:00.004-05:00

For the past 5 years or so I have asked Jason to get me a puppy for every birthday, Christmas and anniversary and the response has always been "You have two dogs, you don't need a puppy". While this may be true, I am constantly reminding him that Simon is nearly 14 years old and in Lab years that's like....3 paws in the grave. Not that I want Simon to die or anything, because he's a good dog and I love him, but it is an eventual inevitability with a dog as old as he is.

What we are both beginning to realize, however, is that living with an elderly dog is as much of an adventure as living with a puppy. Gone are the days when Simon would never even think of peeing in the house, even if he refused to go outside for 3 days because he doesn't like to go out if it's too windy, or cold, or raining, or snowing, or too hot, or it's a Saturday in June. I'm just saying, the dog is picky. This has never been a problem before. He would resolutely refuse to go outside and he would hold it for days. Now when we sleep in on weekends, we wake up as soon as we hear Simon's snoring stop because if Simon is up, he has to go outside...NOW. If you have never tiptoed past your dog to avoid waking him up so you can get dressed before you have to take him outside, you have never lived. This is the only point where it's sort of lucky that he's gone deaf. We can talk and brush our teeth and he's totally oblivious. You just can't walk past him too closely, or he can smell you and it's all over. And on those nice occasions when we do wake him up and he doesn't go outside NOW, he leaves a trail of pee through our house so we can find him like some screwed up version of Hansel & Gretel. Because yes, he walks while he pees. He can't just go in one spot like a normal dog. The fact is, I'm not entirely sure he realizes he's drizzling through the house, and if he does realize it, I get the impression that he's trying to run away from his own peeing. Thus, pee trail. At least if he stayed in one spot I could get the rug shampooer out and only have to clean one place. When he walks, I have to follow the trail through the whole house. And inevitably that means down the stairs. Have you ever tried to shampoo pee off of your stairs? It's not fun.

And of course there are other things we get to enjoy as owners of an elderly pet. Your dog going senile is an adventure. This often manifests itself in Simon forgetting that we have fed him. Or thinking that every time we come home from ANYWHERE, he is supposed to be fed. We feed him after we get home from work every day, so apparently the leaving and coming back is a trigger for "Food time" to him. He will stand in front of his bowl and shuffle back and forth, grunting at us like we have done him some sort of horrible disservice. I'm 99% sure he isn't even hungry, but he firmly believes he MUST be fed because we left and came back. This often happens even if we've just gone out to get the mail and come back into the house.

He has also decided that now that he's old, he's going to do what he wants. This means walking out the front door whenever he pleases, drinking from the toilet, barking at everything that moves outside the house, sleeping all day, eating Sam's food, and vomiting on the floor whenever he's bored. And forget playing ball with him in the house. Now, when he gets really excited while playing, he spontaneously poops. It goes something like this:

*Jason throws ball*

*Simon chases ball and brings it back*

*Jason throws ball again*

*Simon chases ball and while chasing drops some poo on the floor*

*Simon looks at Jason as if to accuse him of being the one who pooped on the floor*

*Jason puts ball away*

*Simon stares at poop until it is cleaned up, highly offended that Jason would do such a thing*

This has become my life, day in and day out with the joys of an arthritic elderly dog. Where I used to worry that he was getting played with enough, I now worry that he got his daily aspirin. It's all an adventure.

And some days it makes me rethink that puppy idea.

Even The Mona Lisa has flaws

2010-11-04T21:12:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I think that people, myself included, notice everyone else's flaws and we're pretty quick to point them out. I'm sort of awful about criticizing people when the truth is, I'm really not all that much better than anyone else. So, today I'm going to share some of my flaws, because it's good for me to remind myself how far from perfect I really am.

I SUCK at taking empty shampoo and conditioner bottles out of the shower and taking them downstairs to the recycle bin. Seriously, I'm the worst ever.

#2 I have a ton of dishes that are hand-wash only and I use them almost every night to make dinner, and I almost never wash them before going to bed. I just leave them sitting in my sink all night, and I almost always have to wash all of the stupid dishes before I can cook dinner the next night. It's less than awesome.

#3 When I'm sick, I typically walk around the house carrying a box of tissues, and I tend to just leave tissues lying on the end tables or the night stand in my bedroom. Yes, this is gross. And I always clean them up and Lysol the tables after, but I do just let them sit around for days when I'm sick.

#4 I am really terrible about actually putting my clothes in a hamper. I have one. I don't use it. I just leave dirty clothes in a pile on the floor and wait until laundry day to wash them. I think the only person who appreciates this habit is my dog, who often makes a nest of the clothes pile at some point during the week. I'm not proud of this.

#5 Speaking of laundry, I almost never fold my laundry. I have no problems washing the clothes, drying the clothes, and putting the clothes into a laundry basket, but the actual folding process is just something I can't be bothered with. If Jason didn't fold the laundry every Sunday, I'd live out of the laundry basket all week. Laundry folding sucks.

I'm sure I have more, but this is a pretty decent starting list. Anyone else want to share?

It's All About Knowing What You Want

2010-10-10T20:35:00.002-04:00

Back in June, when my 6 month contract with Thomson Reuters ended, I found myself facing the frightening fate that a lot of people around the country are facing right now. I found myself unemployed, and that was pretty nerve wracking. On top of that, Jason's long term subbing ended and he found himself unemployed as well. It was less terrifying for us than for a lot of other people, because we had savings to live off of and I was getting unemployment, but the word "Job" was a the top of the priority list. Jason got a temp job with Domino Farms, and that helped a little, but I knew that I really needed to get a job. And then I did. I took a job in August with a company that offered me more money than I've ever made, and suddenly money wasn't as big a worry, which felt better. And yet, it also felt like a failure. I had several interviews for teaching jobs, and nothing came from any of them. Sure, I had a job, but it wasn't doing what I really want to do.

Now, after working in my new cubicle job, doing the thing that's making me a lot more money than I've ever made, I find myself wanting nothing more than to walk into a classroom and take over teaching a bunch of kids. And, it's becoming more and more painfully obvious that the more time I spend in the cubicle, the more likely it is that I won't ever get into that classroom. It's pretty heart breaking. What's worse is that I may be forced to choose between my family and my job. I've said all along that I don't want to pack up and move somewhere out of state just so that I can have a job, I don't want to leave my family, my friends, my niece and nephew, or my life that I've built here. As hard as it is not to be doing the job I've wanted to do for years, I can't say that I lead a bad life. I lead a really beautiful life. I don't want to leave it. So now I have to decide whether I want to be happy in my job, or happy in my personal life, and I have to wonder if the two are really separate entities. Right now I know that living in Ohio for the majority of my week, sitting alone in a hotel room, living out of a suitcase, that's not the life I want. And the travel is temporary, but the feeling I have about being stuck in that cubicle every day isn't. I can't work with my drama students anymore, and I find myself talking about them constantly while at work. I find myself missing those kids almost as much as I miss my family when I'm out of town. I miss the excitement I see in them every time I'm up there, and I even miss the things they do that drive me insane.

When taking all of this into consideration, I have to say the thing I have the hardest time dealing with is hearing people who are doing what they supposedly want to do, and what they claim is their dream and their passion (and some of those people are doing exactly what I wish I could be doing every day) and complaining about it as if it's the biggest hassle, or the worst thing they're doing. I hate seeing countdowns to the weekend, or to vacations from people who claim they're doing what they love. I am definitely not doing what I love, but I don't find myself waking up on Monday and starting the countdown to Friday. Sure, everyone has a bad week every now and again, but some people do this constantly and I sometimes want to say "Then quit and do something else!" When it's people who are teaching, I want to shake them and tell them there are a lot of people out there like me who want to do what they're doing so if they're so miserable, so give it to someone who really wants it. I think that the one thing I've learned from all of my work experiences since leaving my student teaching is that I know exactly what I want and I know exactly where I want to be. I just wish I knew how to get there. But, it doesn't mean I'll stop trying.

Memories For Sale

2010-09-28T20:47:00.008-04:00

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an obsession with seeing the inside of other people's houses. To be honest, it was the most exciting part of house hunting for me. And this doesn't apply to the houses of people I know, just to the houses of complete strangers. There was an episode of the show "Dead Like Me" where George, the main character, talked about how she always loved Halloween because it meant seeing inside the houses of strange people and I practically jumped off the couch and shouted "THAT'S SO ME!" And, while I know it's a weird thing to enjoy, I just can't help it.

Now that our house hunt is over, I sometimes wander over to real estate websites and go through houses with photo galleries for their listings so that I can enjoy peeking inside of people's houses without feeling like a total creeper. Tonight, as I was sitting in my hotel in the middle of nowhere Ohio feeling a bit bored and lonely as the rain hammered the window of my hotel room and missing home, I decided to go clicking around to see what some other people called home. I was struck when my website search pulled up an address I recognized all too well. It was the second address I could recite from memory at three years old, the first being my own home address. My grandma's house was being sold. This isn't the first time her house has been sold, since she sold it herself years ago when she moved in with my family, but as far as I'm aware this is the first time it's been on the market since she sold it herself. Over the years, I hadn't thought too much about the place. Right after Grandma passed away I was feeling nostalgic and drove past it a few times, but the outside didn't look anything like I remembered and what I saw didn't have any of my grandma in it. The buyers had remodeled it and added on, so the outside looked completely different.

Tonight as I clicked on the photo gallery photos of the inside of the house, I was a little shaken. Where the outside didn't look anything like my childhood memories, aside from the large pine tree they left in the front yard, the inside is more like my memories than I ever expected. Despite the remodel, they kept a lot of the inside the same. They kept the vintage door casings, and the front door into the mud room is original to the house. The kitchen has new cabinets and countertops, but the layout is the same and I could see myself standing next to my grandma at the stove waiting to take pretzels out of the oven early in the morning when I was about 9 years old. I think they turned grandma's bedroom into the family room, and I found myself wondering if they left the wall and doorways between the kitchen and the now dining room where my cousins and siblings and I spent hours running in circles between the rooms chasing each other.

Suddenly, as I was looking at the photos, I felt like I just didn't want anyone living in that house where I had so many memories. I found myself wondering if the laundry chute was still there, and if it still went to the strange cage-like contraption in the basement. I wondered if any other children had locked a sibling in that cage and thrown things down the chute at them like we used to do to my brother. I looked at the back porch, which had been turned into a sun room and remembered how grandma used to hang wind chimes out there. I wondered if the basement was still damp and a little creepy. I wondered if they were as perplexed as everyone else was when it came to figuring out what to do with the nook in the dining room that used to hold the organ that my grandmother owned but didn't really know how to play. I wondered what they had done to the upstairs, which there were not photos of, where my mom used to sleep when she was growing up. I wondered if they kept the built in dressers that used to fascinate me when I was little. And, among all of this wondering, I found it sad that someone else would live there. Someone who was not related to me, who could not look through the pictures and share any memories with me. I never thought about this when grandma sold the place originally, because she was still around and my memories were not tied to her home. Now that she's gone, I am sad. I hope a new family is able to make their own memories there, and that they can look back at their time there and laugh like I do, or share stories with each other like my cousins and sisters and I have done over and over again. I also found myself sort of wanting to call the agent and schedule a viewing, just so I could walk through it one last time.

So with that, and my nostalgia fresh in my mind, I leave you with some photos of my grandma's house as it is now. Not as I remember it, but hopefully as someone else is remembering it, and hopefully their memories are as fond as mine.

No, I'm Not Offended By a Little Girl With a Foul Mouth

2010-08-22T21:11:00.005-04:00

Last week Jason and I got the movie "Kick-Ass" in the mail from Netflix and watched it. I had heard a lot of people mentioning that I was going to be blown away by Hit-Girl in the movie, so I put it into the DVD player and sat on my sofa eagerly anticipating the impending carnage. I wasn't disappointed, since about ten minutes in there was a scene with poor little Mindy, who would become Hit-Girl, being shot in the chest by her dad so she could feel how a kevlar vest works. That was a bit disturbing, but also kind of funny.

As I watched the film, I did something I usually do and started looking up the trivia on IMDB to find out extra tidbits about what I'm watching. Overwhelmingly, I came across info about people throwing a fit that Hit-Girl, with her innocent girl face and cheerful smile, at a mere ten or eleven years old was spouting lines like "So you cunts want to play huh?" or "Show's over mother fuckers!" and how wholly inappropriate this was because a little girl shouldn't be saying such things. As I read this information all I could think was "Why? Why is it so wrong and inappropriate for this sweet little girl to say these things? If she were a boy, no one would be saying crap about this!" and let's face it, I'm totally right. Plus, I found myself sitting there thinking about all of the movies where girls walk around whining about losing their boyfriend, or give up their family and friends to be with some guy who might be "the one". Or the movies where girls have to be rescued by some guy because they don't have the ability to take care of themselves. Is this how girls should be in films? Why do they have to be that way? Why can't they be foul mouthed ass kickers just like their male counterparts? I love that Hit-Girl actually saved the guy's ass in this movie, multiple times. And, on top of that, I love that she did it in a skirt!

The more I think about it, the more I wonder where the balance is between what makes a strong female and what makes a girl who is helpless and depends on a man to provide for her, or take care of her. I actually made a joke the other day when I was telling Jason that I want to learn to bake pies, and I want to get all Martha Stewart-y if we host Thanksgiving this year and then I said "Jesus! When did I turn into Suzie Homemaker? I feel like I should hate myself right now!" Then I started thinking about that attitude and realized that baking and enjoying having a clean house doesn't make me some weak-willed female who needs to be taken care of. It just means that's what I like. Know what else I like? Building things. Renovating houses. Using power tools. Changing the brakes on my car. Those are the things that make me the strong female who takes care of myself. So, I guess my conclusion was that you can make pie and change your brakes and that's ok. I'm sure there are guys who do it. Just like adorable little Hit-Girl can have pigtails and wear a skirt, and do an aerial cartwheel while slitting your throat. Two sides of the same coin.

So, to all of the people who are pissed that the little girl in the purple bob wig is slitting throats and calling people fuckers, I guess I have to say that I want to know where you all were when there were teenage boys doing similar things in other movies? Why do you get mad simply because the person with the foul mouth also has a vagina? I guess you probably can't be a mommy if you swear, or if you are a hard core martial artist. Maybe it just threatens someone's warped 1950's view of what a girl should be.

But, to be honest, Hit-Girl is my freaking hero.

Finding Happiness

2010-07-01T21:44:00.003-04:00

Tonight I was working out in our front yard removing some awful limestone that was slowly choking the life out of one of our trees while Jason was mowing the lawn and at one point I looked up at the house and thought "I love it here". That's not some narcissistic pat on the back or anything, it's just that despite all of the turmoil in my life and the uncertainty of life at the moment with no job and no current prospects, I'm still managing to find peace in my life. I know it sounds stupid, because buying a house when you know you're going to have to quit your job and you don't know when you'll be getting a new one is totally insane and generally not a good idea, but buying this house was probably the best thing we ever did. There has been nothing to this point in my life that has brought me such a sense of pride and accomplishment. Sure, my college degree is right up there in rank because I worked so hard for it, but I think the house is at the top of the list. To be honest, this whole house purchase shouldn't have worked out. It was really one of those situations where the stars just aligned in the right way, since we had such a small window of opportunity before I was going to be quitting Borders and the loan wouldn't have worked out, and there were almost no houses on the market that weren't short sales with a 3 to 6 month wait for sale approval and we got rejected for this place once while it was a short sale and it just happened to re-list RIGHT before we were at the end of the timeline we had set up for calling it quits and then the appraisal came back WAY cheaper than the asking price and we got a serious deal on the place. So, as a member of the "everything happens for a reason" club, I really feel like this was supposed to happen.

I'm sure people get tired of seeing updates about our home improvement projects, but without school in my life I sort of need something to make me feel accomplished and this fills the void. Plus, I know that everything I'm doing is going to pay off in the long run. Not just in that whole "sweat equity" way, but in the pride I'm able to take in looking around and loving where I am like I did tonight. It's little things like looking around and loving a paint color, or walking out the front door and being greeted by big pink flowers where a half dead shrub once stood. I find myself smiling unexpectedly, which I never used to do. I get excited over stupid things now, like painting night stands and I get excited every time something I work on ends up being better than it was before. I am making sure to pay attention and remember these moments, because they will probably be fleeting. At some point life will sweep me away and I will have work and the drama department will devour me and at some point I'll have kids and ballet classes to drive to and sleepovers and the time I was able to spend working outside or taking on projects will be much more limited and I'm afraid I'll miss it. So, I'm trying to pay attention and enjoy what I can right now, before stress and life sweeps me away from it. Tomorrow morning I'll probably be worrying about not having a job and possibly losing this place I love so much, and I'll be focusing on other things so I just thought that I should write this down so I can remember how happy I was to be right where I was tonight. I loved just sitting on the curb, looking at the freshly mowed lawn and the flowers blooming and I was just...happy. I want more of this. I want more of the smiling and the happiness at the little stuff, and I hope I find it. It feels nice.

An Open Letter to Small Dog Owners

2010-06-27T20:28:00.006-04:00

Dear Small Dog Owners,

Just because your dog is small does not mean it is not a dog. This means that certain dog courtesies should be observed. So, for example, when you let your little yappy bitch dog take a crap in my front yard without cleaning it up, it is no less annoying to me than someone allowing their large St. Bernard crap in my front yard. Additionally, when you allow your bitch dog to crap on the SIDEWALK in front of my house, I am not only annoyed that you didn't clean something off of the sidewalk, I'm also pissed off that my neighbors are going to think that it's from my dogs. This is not ok, especially since I clean up after my dogs because IT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO! I can guarantee you that if I let my large dog just do his thing in your yard, you'd be pretty mad and I'm sure you'd be the first one filing a complaint with the HOA about it.

Additionally, just because your dog is small does not mean it is not noisy. Leaving your yappy little annoyance out in your yard to bark incessantly at anything that moves does not make me very happy, especially since people filed complaints about my dog barking INSIDE my house. Why no one is complaining to you about your dog standing on your patio yapping away at 11:00 at night is beyond me, but apparently you get special privilege because your dog could be drop kicked across a room, whereas my dog would need to be taken out with a lot of brute force. But, again, common courtesy still applies. When people complained about my dog barking from inside my house, I decided to make sure to close all of my windows when I leave so that the noise doesn't carry well and people are far less likely to hear him barking. That's what responsible pet owners do. Owning a tiny annoyance of a dog does not give you the right to be an irresponsible pet owner.

So, to conclude, stop being an assbag. Your tiny dog is still a dog and the rules still apply. If your mutt craps in my yard again and you don't clean it up, I'm leaving a nice pile of Sam poo on your front porch. Let's see how you like it. And, if that doesn't work, I'll just let my dog eat yours.

It's not Racial Profiling, we're just harrassing Mexicans

2010-04-30T12:57:00.002-04:00

The news has been abuzz lately with talk of the new immigration legislation passed in Arizona. Like many civil and human rights advocates, I heard about the law and went "No, that's a joke right?" except that it wasn't a joke at all. As I listened to more and more reporting in the news about this legislation, I found myself turning to Jason and saying "So, when did this become Nazi Germany? Are we going to have to start requiring all legal immigrants to wear American Flags on all of their clothing so we can tell at a glance who is legal and who isn't?" because, let's face it, this law is very much akin to laws passed to discriminate against Jews in Germany. And, for a group of people who want to call the democrats, particularly the current president, Hitler they are again doing such a good job of mimicking his policies all on their own.

But, being the sort of person I am, I listened to both sides of the debate on this issue despite the fact that I wholehartedly disagree with the other side. I was willing to listen and see if anything made sense and made me say "Ok, I see the value in that". Unfortunately, nothing did. And then a conservative told me that the talk of the law being racist was all propaganda due to Obama not explaining the law properly, and that people can only be asked for their papers if they have already committed a crime. So, I went and looked up the exact write-up of the law. Sadly, I did not find that the racism was propaganda, because the law does not state that someone can only be asked for papers if there is a crime committed. It says that they can be asked for their papers during "any lawful contact" with authorities if there is "reasonable suspicion" that the person is an illegal immigrant. So, then you have to consider what is lawful contact, but as far as I can tell "lawful contact" is an officer simply stopping you in the street. And, if the officer has "reasonable suspicion" that someone is an illegal immigrant, that automatically makes any contact with that officer lawful. So, no crime has to be committed at all. Unless you count the crime of looking like an illegal immigrant.

Which brings me to the arguement that this law will not result in racial profiling. I have no idea how that can be the case, since reasonable suspicion is most likely going to be based on how someone looks. And what does an illegal immigrant look like as opposed to a legal one? There is no way to tell based on a visual assessment, which means ANYONE who looks like they might be hispanic can be stopped, which means they are racially profiling all hispanic people. And I say hispanic because that's really who they are after. My friend Jeff is an immigrant from the UK, but I somehow doubt he would be stopped on a street in Arizona and asked for his papers because he's a white guy. I don't think anyone cares about the white guys. Heck, I don't think anyone cares about anyone but the Mexicans. So, really this law is simply racism at its finest.

And, what is really eating at me about all of this is that we're not prosecuting some of the real proponents of this problem. We get angry at illegal immigrants, who are often impoverished in their own country, for coming to this country to get jobs and do better for themselves. Basically, we're angry that they're trying to get a slice of the "American Dream" that our forefathers wanted when they immigrated to this country (because you do know we're all immigrants right? Just checking) and I can't really fault them for wanting that. I can fault corporations who bus immigrants in illegally to work for below minimum wage, being paid under the table, at their farms picking our produce, or in their meat packing plants butchering our steaks that those immigrant workers will never be able to afford to put on their own tables. One of the biggest problems with illegal immigrants is that they wouldn't be coming here if no one was hiring them. But many companies are hiring them, knowing full well they are illegal, so that the corporate fat cats can make an extra buck by underpaying the workers. And it's not like no one knows about it. A lot of companies have agreements with the immigration officers that if they allow raids to be done every few months and let a few people be deported, then the officers turn a blind eye to the company practices. But who do we punish in this situation? The immigrant workers. Not the corporate fat cats who are perpetuating the problems. This makes me very angry.

And yes, I understand that if someone wants to live in this country they should do so through the proper channels, but the fact is that they are still human beings and they still have rights as humans even if they don't have them as citizens. And why can't we just create a guest worker visa like Europe has done so that immigration doesn't matter. Someone can work here and live across the border and have no negative consequences. I think that, at the root of it all, is a deeply racist and prejudiced point of view from upper class white Americans who are afraid of becoming the minority in a country where they have held the majority for so long. So, the "Dey took our jobs" group is pissing and moaning about the immigrant workers and working to get them deported for being dirty illegal aliens, but they're not pounding on the doors of the companies who took the jobs in the first place and replaced them with cheap illegal labor. That makes a ton of sense.

So yes, I hate this law. I think it's horrid, and I think that when you give everyone a "common enemy" it makes it ok for them to be persecuted and slandered and hated by the general public because you can blame them for your problems. Then nothing is your fault, it's the fault of the enemy you have created. In this case it's the Mexicans. And that makes me wonder, what's next? Internment camps? I think that this is a case of those who forget the past being doomed to repeat it.

Consumers Report

2010-04-27T10:23:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure when it happened. I think it might have been at some point in time when I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on in the world of retail and customer service, but at some point the whole "customer service" thing went straight out the window. I've been noticing the issue kind of snowballing for the past few years. At some point, corporate greed and the desire to make a buck outweighed the necessity to keep customers happy so that they would continue shopping with the company.

I think it really started with the shift away from accepting any returns for store credit. That was a pretty nice slap in the face for consumers who, if they're anything like me, lose receipts. Where once we could go to the store we purchased product from and return product without a receipt in exchange for a store credit, we are now left with no options at all. This has become more of a problem for me with gifts than with anything else. The solution, of course, was the gift receipt. But, if the person who purchased the gift didn't have the forethought to get a gift receipt, lost the gift receipt, or attached the wrong gift receipt to the product, then what option are you left with? You have none, and you find yourself literally suck with useless product that you don't want but can't get rid of. For me, more often than not, this happens with people purchasing DVDs for me as gifts and getting duplicates. I have a whole stack of DVDs that are unopened and useless because I got them as duplicates without gift receipts. That's awesome. I'm thinking about using them as coasters. And what I hate more is that when I tried to exchange one of them at the store it was purchased from, which I knew because the "Best Buy" sticker was still on it with just the price bit scratched off, I was told that not only could I not get an exchange for another title because I had no gift receipt, it was because they couldn't be sure I hadn't stolen the DVD in the first place. Yes, they implied that I had stolen the DVD.

So now, companies that once offered customers the ability to do an even exchange, or an exchange for greater value are allowing nothing at all. They claim it's because they were losing too much money, but I am not sure how since research showed that people who received store credits typically spent 10% over the amount of the credit when they redeemed it. I know I always did.

But it hasn't really stopped there. More and more, the customer is always wrong. This is seen in the attitudes of store employees, who want nothing to do with helping anyone unless it's absolutely necessary, and it's seen in the store policies that are now being imposed on consumers. I actually have a list of stores I don't go to because of their poor customer service and poor company policies. And, some of them have actually listened to their customers and changed the way they do business. Others have not. This past weekend, Jason and I went to Lowes to buy some paint for our upstairs bedroom. We found a color we liked, took it to the counter and said we wanted it mixed in a No VOC paint that they carry in the store. We were promptly told that they could not mix that color in anything but their store brand paint, because they had a contract with that company and could get in trouble for mixing it in another paint brand. So I said "But there are no similar colors in other brands of paint, and if you're not going to offer a no VOC option in your brand then you shouldn't limit people to getting colors mixed only in that brand". The employee looked at me like I was the world's biggest nuisance and acted like I was an idiot for wanting the other paint brand and not understanding that their contract was important. He then told me that they would lose revenue if he mixed my color in another brand of paint. I said "Well, I was going to make $100 worth of purchases today and you've just made my decision to leave the store, so you are losing revenue either way". Plus, I know that they color match anything you bring in, and you can walk into the store with a purchased paint chip deck from any paint manufacturing company and get the color mixed in any paint brand you want, so why the sudden problem with giving the customer what they want?

I think the problem is that no one cares about helping the customer or making them happy. No one says "Sure, I can take care of that for you" because store employees are simply there to stock shelves and ring up purchases, not to actually provide any real "customer service" to anyone. There is distain from most of the people I ask for help in stores. A simple question like "Do you carry cake flour?" in a grocery store where I can't find the cake flour is met with a huge sigh from the employee and a tone of incredulity that I would even consider bothering them. And I know it's not entirely the employee's fault, because sometimes the corporate structure puts too much focus on tasks and not enough on helping people, but is it such a crime to help someone when they need it? It could be said that I don't understand, I'm not doing that job, but the fact is that I have done that job. I worked retail for over 5 years, both as a sales associate and as a manager, so I know that it's possible to be nice to someone when helping them find something. I know it's possible to work a job that pays you crap (because my retail jobs certainly did that) and still be cheerful. Yes, there are people who are over the top ridiculous in their expectations, but they are not the majority.

And when it comes to things like "This is our policy" then maybe someone at the store level needs to say "This policy is unfair to the customers". I did. I still do. As a customer, when a policy in a store changes to be more hostile to the average consumer, I e-mail their corporate office and tell them what I think. More people should. And, if you don't like the policy, try not to shop there. If they're not getting your money, they're going to have to start listening.

Maybe I'm just thinking about a time when my patronage is respected instead of seen as a given, and instead of trying to keep me around using rewards programs or coupon cards, the store actually tried to keep me coming back by offering the service that many of them once did. Maybe if I could find an employee to help me in less than 10 minutes of searching, I'd remember and keep coming back. Treating me like a human being does so much more than mailing me a coupon every week. And having employees who actually know something about the store they work in and the product they sell helps too. If I go into Toys R Us and ask for a good educational toy for a 2 year old, I don't want to be taken to the games section and left standing there to fend for myself. I want someone to say "Here's what I would recommend" and actually show me some of the product. I can't remember the last time I was out shopping and had that experience. Maybe it's a thing of the past.

We The Little People

2010-04-21T23:37:00.003-04:00

Tonight as Jason and I were flipping through channels trying to figure out why there is nothing good on tv on Wednesday nights, we saw that PBS was airing the documentary Food Inc. We had both avoided watching this for different reasons. Jason avoided it because the last time he saw anything about how animals were being treated prior to slaughter, he completely gave up eating red meat and switched to free range/barn roaming chicken and he was afraid he'd have to give up half of the food that's left if he saw what it went through. I avoided it because I knew it would make me mad because, let's face it, it doesn't take much to make me mad. But, when faced with the choice of educating ourselves or watching a rerun of House Hunters, we decided to do the responsible thing and raise my blood pressure.

I wish I could say that the documentary was entirely eye opening, but it wasn't. The fact is, I knew some of this stuff was going on before watching the documentary. I knew that animals were grossly mistreated and abused in the factory farming system, and I knew that government regulations on a lot of the food we eat have not been up to snuff. I even knew that there were companies patenting seeds and suing people for harvesting seeds and replanting them. The thing that really got my blood boiling while I watched this documentary was watching how all of these problems and oversights have effected actual people. I'm not really talking about people who eat the food, though they are included, I'm talking about these farmers who now have no control over the one thing they know how to do best: produce food. I heard fear in the voices of the people speaking out against large corporations who basically tell them how to run their farms or raise their livestock. I saw people who work in an industry that has never really been known for its vast profits talk about how they can barely afford to stay afloat while huge corporations are making these massive profits at the expense of both the farmer and the consumer. That's where the anger started. It just continued to build as I watched a mother whose son was killed by e-coli bacteria fight to get legislation passed to allow the government and the FDA to shut down slaughterhouses and factories who repeatedly produce contaminated product, and listened to her talk about how this has been a six year process and still is not getting passed because the consumers might not want to pay more for their food just to ensure its safety. I was appalled, and I was angry.

There was a point in the documentary where they showed how many people who had worked for some of these large corporations are now employed by the FDA, or are in congress with the corporations in their back pockets paying for their reelection campaigns. At this point all of my anger ended up turning into something I did not expect. It became helplessness. I felt completely helpless. Because, as much as the people on the documentary want everyone to believe that they vote every time they make a grocery purchase, I don't think that's enough. Once you count out the people who simply can't afford the healthy foods because they barely make a living wage (another subject for another time), the rest of us are still left with financial choices at the checkout counter. We're also left with limited options in a large portion of the country because not everyone has access to a store that carries a wide variety of produce that is organic, or meat that is humane. So it feels like change has to come from much higher than the grocery store conveyer belt. The problem then becomes an issue of who owns who? If the corporations own the politicians and the politicians want to hold office, then who is doing the right thing for the little people? I am very frustrated by this question. As much as I believe that people should vote, and people should pay attention and make their voices heard, I'm afraid that the corporate involvement in the system has drowned out all of the voices of the constituents and left only the roar of corporate fat cats. I find myself wondering if all of us taking little steps will really matter at all, or if it will just cause someone to say "Make it more expensive to buy the good stuff, then people will buy ours because it's cheaper". It's worked so far for Wal-Mart. And it's cheaper because the government subsidizes things like corn growing, which is a crop we actually have far too much of and it doesn't need to be subsidized. How about this idea, we subsidize all crops? Wow...we could all afford to eat the way we're supposed to if someone decided to do that. But they won't, because I'm sure someone will lose money and then someone else won't get reelected and then I would imagine the world will end from that.

It simply seems wrong that with all of this debate on healthcare, no one has thought to take a good look at what kind of crap we put into our foods, and as a result of that, our bodies every day. We eat crap and then are amazed when we are unhealthy and have to be put onto ten different medications. I'm not saying that I'm about to give up things like drinking soda entirely, because I like soda, and I'm not saying that I'm going to completely stop eating all processed foods, because it's nearly impossible to do that since everything seems to be processed in some way or another. I'm just saying that maybe if we made the stuff that's good for you as affordable as the crap, some people might pick up the good stuff. And I know the simple solution to my problems with factory animal farming is to simply become vegetarian but let's face it, I'm already the pickiest eater alive and I don't want to give up my chicken, especially when it's in fried rice. Plus, it's not a crime to eat meat, but it is a crime to abuse the animal before you turn it into meat. I am not a perfect example of eating the ideal diet, but I do consider myself fortunate enough to be able to afford to take a piece of fruit in my lunch every day. I feel bad that there are so many out there who can't, and I think the system needs to change so that everyone can afford that. I just wish that someone was really fighting for the little people out there instead of the corporate greed. I find myself more and more disgusted with people who allow themselves to be bought by the highest bidder, which means that they have allowed our food production system in this country to be turned into modern day share cropping.

So, while the activist in me says "The system is down. Fight the system!" the realist in me is saying "What now? Is there any hope?" and those two sides of me are arguing about how I feel on this issue. Obviously I'm going to stay angry for a while, because that's what I do best, but I sort of wonder if there comes a point where the fight is just too large and we all feel too small and we are just too tired of pushing against the concrete wall that refuses to move. I will continue to push, but part of me thinks that the little people simply can't do it alone.

Narcissus, your mirror is broken

2010-04-18T21:44:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, while spending a lazy Saturday evening sitting around watching movies, Jason and I decided to watch Julie and Julia. We went to see it when it came out in theaters (how I miss free movies from Borders) and upon second viewing I was struck by the same plot event in the movie as I was the first time. There is an entire piece of the film where Julie becomes wholly absorbed in herself and her blog that she forgets there's a world outside of her blog entries and her readers. She defends this by saying that perhaps she is a little narcissistic but that's what a blog is, it's "me me me me me". This got me to thinking about whether that's really the entire point of blogging, to give yourself some sense of self importance. I mean, honestly, when you really think about it, most bloggers probably have about 5 readers. Typically this is a parent or significant other, two friends, and then maybe two people who randomly lurk around reading your site because they stumbled upon it through a friend of a friend, but those people never comment. So, the question becomes, who are we all writing for? I think there's some sort of catharsis that comes from writing up your thoughts and sending them out into the ether, imagining that someone might come across your meager words and find them interesting, witty, or insightful. It seems that simply by writing, we tell the world "Hello, I exist" and then the world gets to choose what it wishes to do with that information. For the vast majority of us bloggers, the world chooses to do nothing more than let us exist. Most of us are not getting picked up for book or film deals simply by sending our thoughts out there for the world. In fact, most of us are so mundane that, if we were to really look back at our own blogging, we would realize how painfully ordinary we all are. But, blogging allows for that. In the world of the blog, there is room for everyone, especially the ordinary.

Years ago I had a blog on the now all-but-defunct xanga.com, which seemed like a haven for self important whining. I do not exclude myself from this group. When looking back at that blog, I fell to the same trap that the rest of the xanga bloggers fell into, I was utterly and completely narcissistic. For whatever reason, that blog was entirely about "me me me me", and I can't help but think about how utterly pathetic my own whining was. And who the hell was I whining to? The other self important whiners? No one? It's hard to say. But, as I have come to discover, different blogging sites lend themselves to different types of bloggers. For example, I was actually criticized on xanga about how if I wrote shorter posts, people might be more likely to actually finish reading an entry. This is so incredibly amusing, when I think back on it, because it was basically saying that if I wanted the attention of readers, I would have to limit my thoughts to nothing more than a sound byte, and well....I'm an English major folks, if I excel at nothing else in this world, I know that I will always excel at being wordy. I am not exactly well versed in limiting my thoughts to sound bytes. But, then, the question still remains, who was I writing for anyway? So few people were reading that blog that it seems as if there was no real point in cutting down my posts to please the one person who was reading.

However, it seems that blogging becomes completely and truly narcissistic when the blogger starts to get a bit of attention for their thoughts. I have often heard of people falling to this idea that while blogging, if they miss a day or have bad news, they will be disappointing their readers. This gets taken to extreme levels when these anonymous readers start to take precedent over real people who should matter more than the fandom of faceless readers. So, perhaps the motivation to blog is, at its core, narcissistic but I don't think it is fully realized until someone gains that rare phenomenon of attention that the fickle public chooses to bestow on some more readily than others. The rest of us must simply be content to survive our narcissism with cracked mirrors, which do not allow us to reflect too carefully on ourselves and instead let us still maintain some sort of rationality about what our own blogging is really getting us, which is usually carpel tunnel. But, we continue to blog anyway, to feed some need to have our thoughts out in the world uninterrupted by the thoughts and opinions of others...at least until we get to the comments section.

Haters To The Left

2010-04-13T10:31:00.004-04:00

Last night, because there was nothing good on tv and possibly because he likes to watch me yell at the screen, Jason decided to turn on Fox News for a little entertainment. Sean Hannity was hosting some sort of discussion panel on his show, and complaining about the Nuclear Arms treaty that was being signed yesterday. It took about 30 seconds before something was said that offended me. He said he would be disappointed in any Republican in Congress who would vote to adopt this new policy. So, to be clear, he wants congress to oppose a treaty that would decrease the number of nuclear weapons in the world, and was scoffing at the Ukrainian government for offering to dispose of any of their nuclear materials. Yes. This is what he was saying. Then he showed a clip of my very favorite idiot, Sarah Palin, talking about what a bad idea this was. This is ironic, considering she claims to be a HUGE fan of Ronald Reagan, who fought to dispose of all nuclear weaponry on a global scale during his presidency. Now she doesn't like it, because it's not Bush or McCain in office working for this cause. Then, when Hannity switched topics, he began talking about how Obama has single handedly destroyed the economy. I'm not entirely sure how things have looked from where Sean is sitting, but the economy has been pretty f*cked for several years now. Obama has been in office for one. I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say it wasn't all him. Call me crazy, but I think I might be right here.

This brings me to my point: Why are Republicans such sore freaking losers? The health care bill passing made way for what appears to me to be a bunch of political temper tantrums. Suddenly there will be "no cooperation from the Right" and they're going to fight to have it repealed etc. Whatever happened to doing what's best for the country? Is absolutely no bi-partisan cooperation really the best thing for your constituents and your country? It doesn't seem like it. It seems as if you lost, and now you're going to stand around and pout until something happens that gives you your way. I find it appalling. And what's more, I find it worrisome to think about what this sort of attitude is doing to the country as a whole. Suddenly we have people claiming to be "patriots" who are calling out to people to smash the windows of Democratic offices, and Democratic leaders in various roles are getting death threats. When did this become ok? Not getting your way in a bill vote gives you free reign to call for open vandalism? For being the party who likes to call everyone else Socialists and compare them to the likes of Hitler, you're sure ordering some very Hitleristic action. At the beginning of his regime, he told the people of Germany to break the windows of Jewish businesses in their towns. How is ordering conservatives to break the windows of Democratic offices any different? And now we have "Oath Keepers" within our own military who are stockpiling weapons in preparation to commit treason by rising up and literally fighting the President should they feel he's "taking over the country". Men who have taken an oath to serve their country, and to honor the President as Commander in Chief of their armed forces are now preparing to attack the very office they swore to honor. This is so upsetting and disturbing that I don't even have words for it. I am appalled at the behavior of some of the supposedly civilized citizens of this country.

In the wake of the Hutaree arrests, many people are beginning to dig up the images of Timothy McVeigh and his rebellion against the government when he bombed Oklahoma City, and I find myself wondering whether that event would still be as tragic in the minds of Americans if it was committed today. The fact is, he was a terrorist. No, he was not Arab, he did not hold a Koran as he committed his crime, and he did not do it in the name of religion. This just goes to show that terrorism is not something done only by Muslim extremists, though so many in our nation would have you believe otherwise, but can be committed by our own citizens in our own back yards. But my concern is that if a group like the Hutaree or some other extremest right wing group were to bomb a government building, I'm afraid that they would be cheered as heroes rebelling against the evil socialists holding political office. I'm afraid that the tragedy would somehow get turned into a cry of patriotism, and somehow those terrorists committing such a crime would be revered as true citizens of America. This is what frightens me the most about our nation as it is today. Extremists come in all forms, not simply Muslim (and for that matter, not all Muslims are extremist terrorists despite what some would have people believe), and extremism is dangerous no matter where its roots are planted, and yet our collective vision as a nation seems to be clouded because we cannot see the road we have begun to pave for ourselves.

And I am sure there are those who would say that I am a liberal, which means that if it were liberals doing these things I would not be sitting here writing this blog entry. I would like to think that if it was liberals committing vandalism and plotting domestic terrorism, I would not remain silent simply because I happen to share some of the beliefs held by that group. But, the fact of the matter is, liberals are not committing these sort of crimes. I would argue that there were liberals who hated George Bush as much as the conservatives currently hate Obama, but they were not calling anyone to arms, and they were not vandalizing buildings or mailing out death threats. That is not the way of the liberal. Perhaps it was in the 60's when it was largely liberals protesting and fighting against Vietnam, but somewhere along the line the liberals got behind gun control and well....that kind tends to quell violence. But if they were, I would not stand behind them either.

This is not to say that anyone, liberal or conservative should blindly accept what they are being fed from a government office without question. On the contrary. This nation was built on the ability to have a disagreement. I think everyone should question and consider and think about what goes on not just in this country, but globally. I'm just saying that there is a distinct difference between civil disobedience and lashing out violently for some sort of revenge.

We now live in a nation divided, not just along political lines but also along religious and socioeconomic lines that are carved so deeply that I'm not sure the scars will ever heal. What worries me most is that this division is not for any real reason, except that there are some who would prefer to gain political power rather than serve those who have elected them, and there are those who would prefer to see their nightly television ratings jump by spoon feeding people lies and propaganda simply to make a buck. I have said it before, and I will say it again. We worship no idol or diety more faithfully than we do the dollar. This may be our downfall.

Happy To Be Here

2010-04-11T20:28:00.003-04:00

Now, I'm not normally one to romanticize the commonplace, or get poetic about what I consider to be "the ordinary" but tonight, as I sit here in my living room with the windows open, a breeze blowing through the house, I am struck by how happy to be where I am right now. Every year, I forget how much I enjoy springtime in Michigan. Admittedly, the state doesn't exactly get four seasons a year. Usually we get the world's longest winter, and then a few weeks of "spring" before it immediately jumps to 80+ degrees and summer descends on us, miserable and humid, which lasts until mid-October before we get the worlds shortest autumn and the snows start again. But, for those couple weeks of spring, I am content to be exactly where I am. This year is better than last, because we have a new neighborhood that seems to take landscaping pretty seriously. Our neighbors next door have bulbs planted and they all started blooming last week, and nearly everyone on the street has a flowering tree of some type, which are all in full bloom now. We spent the weekend working in the yard, pulling out some of the old, ugly landscaping stones and mowing the lawn, filling in holes and re-seeding some of the patchy areas of the grass. The progress has made me really want to tackle some of our other landscaping projects, though at this point we have to just do bit by bit as we have time to do it. There is a sense of accomplishment in working on something all day and being able to look at the results and think "That looks better". I've never been one for gardening in the past, but it might be something I find myself enjoying as the summer progresses. All I know is that tonight, as the sun was setting, and the smell of our neighbors cherry blossoms was blowing across my yard, I was really happy to be out in my yard, working on something I knew would end up looking better, and that I did it with my own two hands. I like it here.

Blasphemy From Your Lit Teacher

2010-03-30T14:17:00.004-04:00

For the sake of the title on this post, we'll ignore the fact that I don't actually have a job teaching. I officially received my teaching certificate in the mail, so I'm a teacher dangit!

So here are some confessions about myself as a Literature scholar. I started college with this great intention of studying all kinds of different literature, but to be honest, I could only take the classes that would fit into my time schedule between working and going to school. That's a bit of a bummer, but what are you going to do right? There were a lot of classes I wanted to take, and maybe some day I will go back and take them just for the sake of taking them, but because of the way my schedule was structured, I ended up with a heavy emphasis on American Literature. This was surprising to me, since I hated American Literature in high school and much preferred the English Lit class I took. This could have something to do with us studying Paradise Lost, Macbeth and Wuthering Heights in the English Lit class. Interesting stuff, though I think I'm the only person I've ever met who lovedWuthering Heights, and it was somewhat foreign so there was something to sink our teeth into. When I took American Lit, we studied Whitman, Thoreau, Edith Wharton and Hawthorne. SNOOZE.

That brings me to my first real confession: I HATE WHITMAN AND THOREAU. Can you say that and still teach literature? I don't know. But I hate them. Like, hate hate hate them. I think I even made a joke about peeing in Walden Pond as we drove past it on our last trip to New England. I can't explain why I hate these guys so much, but I think some of it stems from my dislike of poetry in general, and the poetic lilt that their prose tends to have. Well, Whitman is outright poetry most of the time, but Thoreau is just kind of pretentious. The man wandered off into the woods to live in a cabin by himself and write. He's like ye olde Ted Kaczynski. And he's boring. And he wrote about removing himself from society, but felt it was still approrpriate to make commentary on that which he removed himself from in the first place. Snob.

Second confession: I made it all the way through college and I've never read any Faulkner, Melleville, Emerson, and I've never taken a thorough study in Shakespeare. Yeah. I know, I suck. But, I've read more Mark Twain than most people teaching American Literature have read. And I don't understand why we don't teach more Twain in high school.

And that brings me to another point, why do we teach REALLY boring stuff in high school? I mean, not everything I read was boring, and everyone's idea of boring is different, but Ethan Fromme was BORING. I read The Great Gatsby, which in another teacher's hands might not have been so boring, but that teacher has forever ruined the novel for me. I actually read it again in college for a class and still couldn't get past my ruined experience in high school. I had a hard time finishing the book. But, I will say, the college professor did make it a lot more bearable. In fact, I read a lot of really good American Lit in college, and not all of it was written in 17-something or 18-something. Some of it was written at the turn of the century and is far more relevent to the high school student today than Ethan Frome would be.

It wasn't until college that I discovered J.D. Salinger, and my question is WHY DIDN'T I DISCOVER THIS GUY UNTIL COLLEGE?! Seriously. Holden Caulfield is entirely relateable to teens, so why didn't I read it when I was a teen? In a way, I'm glad I didn't. I don't think I could have appreciated the book the same way as a 16 year old as I did as a 26 year old. Surprisingly, one of my colleagues at Borders was surprised that I could relate to the novel being both adult and female, but I loved it. I couldn't put it down. Many of my female classmates found it unrelateable, but I'm wondering if that's because they don't spend a lot of time with adolescent males, and I was working with a whole bunch of them in the drama department at the time. But, it was still relevent. I mean, if Holden were alive and real today, he'd be surrounded by the Paris Hilton's and Lindsay Lohan's of society, and he'd go stark raving mad, because as much as he postulates in the novel that everyone is a phoney, and we are asked to take pause and wonder if that's true, in today's society it absolutely is. I don't know, the commentary on society as a whole, as seen through the eyes of one very self centered young man, it just kind of made me smile because he wasn't wrong. Flawed in his character and his thinking? Absolutely, but not wrong necessarily.

So there are a couple of confessions. I hate Whitman and Thoreau, I've never read any Faulkner, I love Mark Twain, and I don't understand why Catcher in the Rye isn't taught in more high schools. Sure, there's that sex thing, but get over it. Why do we only pick the boring stuff? There's so much great stuff out there, why the hell aren't we using it?

Also, everyone should read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides because it's fabulous.

Oh, and I've never read any Steinbeck either. Yes, I know that's bad.

Feeling Bloggy

2010-03-29T13:47:00.002-04:00

Hope those of you who read my little manifesto on healthcare reform enjoyed it. That would be like....4 people, and none of them follow my blog regularly so....score to me I guess. Gaining followers one controversial topic at a time. Or maybe I'm just gaining one-time readers one controversial topic at a time. I'll take what I can get, I'm not picky. I've been trying to keep my blog relatively politics free, but to be honest, I'm a politically and socially minded person so it would be kind of like keeping part of my blog Becky-Free and well...being that I'm Becky and it's my blog, I sort of have to be here for this to work. So, I'll probably be adding more political and controversial posts here in my own little virtual soap box. Jason picked up some magazines yesterday with some pretty interesting and disturbing articles in them that I'm sure will give me bloggy fodder in the next few days, and since things are currently totally caught up here at work I find myself with time on my hands, and when I have time, you get blogs.

That's kind of a cop out. I have time to blog when I get home from work every night too, I just don't feel like it. I find that after sitting in front of a computer ALL DAY LONG, I don't necessarily want to be on the computer when I get home. Sure, I'll check my Facebook, but as far as writing e-mails and corresponding with people, I don't have the patience for it. I suck at life. It's not that I don't want to keep in touch, I do, I just don't want to type anything out when I could be just sitting on my sofa like a zombie. Incidentally, this job turns me into a zombie. It doesn't require me to think too much, so my brain is a perpetual jello-mold of brain tissue. It just sits there, feeling sluggish and sad. But, I need a paycheck, and I am getting a paycheck for working here so I'm happy to have at least that. But, the point is, I feel zombie-like, and I don't want to send e-mails. I actually think I might be getting a glimpse into what my life looks like when I don't have a million things to do at once. The exodus of my academic life coupled with my lack of ability to work with my drama kids, coupled with the job I'm currently doing seems to turn me into a slug. I think I'm that person who has to have a million things to do to be happy, but now I just have a job and that's it, and I'm a bit bored. And, oddly, I find I'm more tired at the end of the day now than I ever was when I was going to work and school and doing drama stuff. I tie it all back to the lack of brain activity. Must stimulate brain!
Side note: By stimulate brain I mean more than watching Life on Discovery Channel and Jeopardy while eating dinner every night.

So, speaking of jobs, update on the job situation is....there is no update. Nothing. I am actually getting really frustrated because I don't think that they're going to try to keep me on permanently here at my current job after June, which I knew going into this but I figured it wouldn't matter because that would give me 6 months to find a new job. Except that I haven't found a new job. I'm actually struggling to find jobs to post for when I do my daily search of EVERY JOB SITE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. So, that's frustrating and kind of nerve wracking. Jason's got a job subbing in a classroom until mid-April, although rumors are that they may keep him until the end of the school year, so that's some income we weren't expecting to have, but you can't be a sub in the summer when there is no school, so then it's back to the drawing board for him to find a job, and if I lose this job in June and he has no job starting in June well.....bad news bears. Needless to say, I'm worried. I'm hoping for the best though. I just hope I don't have to go be a cashier at Kroger just to pay my bills. People who are grocery shopping are cranky.

Other than giving myself ulcers worrying about job prospects, there isn't much going on in my world at the moment. Trying to find ways to not feel like a slug, but that's about it. Blah. I actually miss having to do grading and lesson planning from when I was student teaching because it made my brain work. Must reactivate brain! Must be productive!

Also, we bathed the pets this weekend. No pictures because I was too busy trying to keep my blood inside my body while bathing the cats, but they were not amused. Not at all. On the bright side, they all smell soooo nice.

The end.

To Your Health

2010-03-24T10:45:00.004-04:00

It’s more important to save money than it is to save people.

$$ So I guess when your God said to worship no false idols, he was excluding the almighty dollar $$

The party of the Right, or should we say righteous? They fight to prevent sick children from being cared for.

I think their Christ would disagree.

Let’s fight reform to save the unborn babies, while the already born babies die of disease from lack of treatment.

Let’s knock out cancer, until it becomes too expensive, and it’s cheaper to let a person die than pay their premiums.

For the nation of progress, we become more regressive every day.

We cheer profit, because it can fit on a bank ledger, but we have no understanding of value or worth.

It is not socialism to take care of those who need it; it is called doing the right thing.

But not the Right thing, because that would mean fighting against progress to keep the dollars flowing in from the insurance companies who pay for your campaigns. You must worship the almighty reelection.

We spend a dollar to treat a disease but forget that we are treating a person, but it seems most would prefer we treat neither.

Pain and suffering are nothing to those who can pay to stem them, but for those who can’t, apparently they deserve that.

Perhaps Dickens wrote the first conservative, asking that people die and decrease the surplus population.

And some say they will move because we are doing the right thing, not the Right thing, because they are too blind to see that the greater good is more important than their money.

Please move, please leave, please pack your bags for the next 1st world industrialized nation that does not have healthcare for its people. Let us know when you find it.

But hey, if they leave, imagine how much money it will save when we don’t pay for their care.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal. Until they get sick. Then they’re a liability.

Some say it is unconstitutional to care for the people of a nation. More would argue that no one foresaw the greed this country would fall to. Our founders fought a war to fight oppression, and we wage a war to keep people oppressed.

So, to those who are out there, sick and suffering and without hope of any help, we can do the Right thing and just drink to your health. It’ll be aged Scotch, served in a crystal glass. You won’t mind.

So, I wrote this

2010-03-12T15:49:00.001-05:00

And then I posted it.

I saw you today. Not the physical you, obviously, because that’s gone but I saw you just the same. It happened slowly, and then all at once, in one unexpected moment. You weren’t there, and then you were. You were in a smile I saw while in the checkout line at the grocery store, and then later in the laugh I heard from a baby being tickled, and then again later in the pile of clutter on my kitchen table that was both ordered and disordered at the same time. That’s where you were. You were in this habit I have of leaving pieces of myself all throughout the house, a trail of me to be followed so my path is unmistakable. You were in the way I yelled at the dog to stop barking out the window at the neighbors. And you were that nagging voice in the back of my head saying “If you learn to just leave things alone, you don’t stir up as much trouble”. Yes, I saw you. I didn’t think I would, but that’s how these things happen sometimes. Sometimes they only appear when you need them, or when you don’t even realize you need them. Sometimes they sneak up on you from inside a book, or from a page that slips from a photo album. And sometimes, sometimes they’re not there at all. Sometimes that’s ok. But today I saw you, and I’m glad I did. And, what’s more, today you helped me to see me.

Waxing Poetic

2010-03-10T16:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure why, but every once in a while I get this intense urge to be creative. Usually it correlates with a change in the seasons, or it comes out of me working a lot and not having much time for other things. Usually I'm working with the plays at the high school, which pretty much curbs the desire for a creative outlet, but since I can't do that anymore I'm going a bit stir crazy lately. I feel like with things being a bit up in the air and chaotic when it comes to my work life, I really want to focus my home life and keep it as organized and un-chaotic as possible. This has, thus far, been an epic fail. Due to working 50+ hour work weeks at the temp job I hate, I haven't felt much like tackling my home life when I'm actually at home. We made some headway this weekend by hanging our cabinets in the laundry room and clearing some clutter out of the kitchen and living room, but life is far from un-chaotic. And once everything is organized and back to normal so that my house doesn't look like it exploded, I want to focus on doing something creative. I'm not sure what. At Christmas I did some DIY art projects around the house which turned out really well. In the spring I have big plans to do some photography stuff with the new niece and nephew as well as some nature photos I want to take to frame in the house (because why would I buy a black and white picture of a flower for $20 when I can take one and have it printed for $0.60?). I have some plans to build some things, because after my dad built me my bookcase and it turned out really well, I've decided I want to try to build something myself, so we'll see how that goes. I might have some talent for it! But, lately what's been sitting in the back of my mind is something that I used to do and haven't done in years. Did you know I can write? I don't mean like "Duh, obviously, you're writing this blog" but actually sit down and craft a story with plot and characters write. I used to be pretty good at it. I used to fill notebooks with little stories I made up, and I wrote my first play when I was 5. I didn't actaully write it down, I just forced my little sister to act out everything I told her and we performed it for my parents. It was a masterpiece. I don't remember what it was about but I remember I stuck clovers into Cindy's ears at some point. Genius.

Honestly though, I've been thinking about this writing thing. I don't want to make money from it, or sell anything, or even let anyone read it necessarily. I just sort of wonder if I still have any skill. It's disturbing to think you might have peaked at 17. *shudder* Sometimes I dig out one of my old notebooks (I didn't keep many, which might have been dumb in retrospect) and I'll be surprised that I actually wrote the stuff I'm reading. So, maybe I'll write something. Or maybe I won't. It's just something I've been thinking about.

Trying not to be discouraged

2010-01-15T16:25:00.002-05:00

As all 2 people who follow this blog know, I had to leave my job at my beloved Borders back in September to do my student teaching. This left me in a pretty tense situation, since Jason would be leaving his (much higher paying) job at Borders in January to do his student teaching, which meant that I absolutely HAD to find a job before that happened. I don't think this would have been a problem except that....yeah, we live in Michigan. So, I sent out resumes. TONS of resumes. I got ONE phone call. Seriously, one. I have tons of work experience, I have a degree, I have background in a corporate setting and I can't even get a job as a receptionist. This makes me very sad. The one job that called me back was with a really good company, but it was also for a 6 month contract position that paid a whopping $12 an hour. :-/ That's way less than I made at Borders, and being temporary means no benefits, which is a problem with Jason losing his job and therefore our healthcare. So, of course, I took the job. It was the ONLY one that called me back for goodness sakes! I had to!

But it's in accounting. I hate accounting. I hated accounting when I worked in Accounts Payable at Borders. I hate it more now, because this is Accounts Receivable, so I'm a bill collector. Yeah, that'll make you feel like scum after about 2 minutes. The other problem is that, often, Accounts Payable and Accounts Receivable attract pretty low caliber people. Not everyone, obviously, because I knew some great people in AR at Borders, but generally speaking we're talking about what Jason might term "bottom feeders". People who are really never going to be capable of doing anything more than this entry level monkey work. That's depressing. I don't have much in common with my co-workers, though, to be honest, most of them haven't been so interested in talking to me or getting to know me at all. I guess that's fine, I don't plan on being here long.

And that's where being discouraged comes in. I'm still sending out resumes. Lots of them. All I'm getting in return is a lot of rejection letters. That's depressing. I'm averaging about 1 or 2 rejection letters a day at the moment. It's hard to keep sending them out and when you keep getting rejected. I know I shouldn't let it discourage me, but....I don't want to be here, and as the weeks pass (admittedly, I've been here less than a month) and I get more rejection letters, I start to feel like this is going to have to be more permanant than I initially thought. That frustrates me, since everyone in my current department is "looking for something else" and most of them have been looking for like 5 years. I don't want to be that person! And I can't teach, at least not at the moment, and possibly never in Michigan, because all of the schools in the area are laying off tons of teachers. So...it's this. I don't like it. I'm trying to be optimistic and keep my best foot forward and stay positive about continuing to send out resumes but...I'm not hopeful. And I gave up working with my drama kids for a job that doesn't pay me enough and gives me no benefits. That eats at me a lot. It shouldn't but...it does. It'd probably be an easier pill to swallow if the job provided me with a bit more security. I dunno. It's just starting to get me down.

Time for an update

2009-12-24T10:02:00.002-05:00

So, I've been crap about updating this lately, because my life has become a ball of insanity. In September I started my student teaching, which was fabulous and time consuming and exhausting all at once. That was in addition to buying a house and painting pretty much the whole thing from top to bottom (see previous post), working part time at Borders Express (which is now closing its doors), helping out with Seussical the Musical and a variety of other things. So, suffice it to say I've been busy. Somehow I seemed to get even more busy after my student teaching ended, which makes no sense to me. I think it was being scheduled a ton of mid-shifts at the store that ate up the majority of my day, and then coming home and trying to clean up for the graduation party Jason decided to throw for me. Oh yeah, I graduated btw. With honors.

So, recap of student teaching is that I loved the kids, my cooperating teacher was crazy but in a good way, and I sort of miss being at the school every day. I hated my university coordinator, who gave me a hard time CONSTANTLY because nothing I did was ever good enough for her, so we butted heads a lot. She just has a very different idea about teaching than I do. Sometimes, you have to let kids figure stuff out on their own instead of just telling them exactly what they're supposed to be learning. So, yes. That was rough. But I passed, so that's all that matters. Teaching in the district I was placed in was a different experience for me, since the kids were primarily wealthy, white and privileged. It was very strange to see students who were so sheltered from cultural differences, as well as from the world at large. Some of my 8th graders weren't even allowed to use the internet at all, and the parents weren't happy when we gave internet based homework. It was eye opening, but probably good for me to see.

The whole house thing is going well. Most of it is now painted, except the downstairs bath, but I can live with that. It's finally starting to look and feel like home, which makes me happy. Of course, we made a billion cookies last night so it looks like someone drove through the kitchen with a wrecking ball, but over all, it's been pretty easy to keep clean.

I'm working a 6 month temp job right now for a large global corporation that I will not name in this blog in case there's some conflict of interest clause I haven't read. Not loving it. It's in accounts receiveable and I hated accounting the first time I did it at Borders, so I'm not loving it any more here. I hate being a bill collector. I also hate the schedule and the mandatory overtime and the low pay, but it's what I have to do for now until I find something better. But I'm on the search for something better, for sure. I have potential for something, but I don't want to talk too much about it and jinx it. Let's just say it would probably be better. Like, a lot better. Like pay more than Jason makes better. Oh yeah.

Uhh...Jason starts student teaching in like 2 weeks, which is ca-razy, and means he's leaving his job at Borders which means no more discount. Sad. But, I'm glad he's student teaching, and while money will be tight (like...really tight) I'm hoping it will be worth it in the end. If only some teaching jobs would open in Michigan. That would be great. Old teachers, please retire kthanxbai.

I think that's everything. I'll try to update this more, if possible. We'll see how that goes.

Holy Crap! I have a blog?!

2009-10-22T20:02:00.008-04:00

Soo....long time no see huh? I certainly hope I have a good excuse for being gone so long!

Ok, I don't. I mean, I sort of do. I started student teaching in September, which sucked up a bunch of my time because I no longer have the luxury of sitting in front of a computer at work all day being bored and filling my free time with blogging. Student teaching is going well though, the kids are kind of a trip. On any given day they do something crazy that makes me shake my head and wonder if I was just like that when I was in 8th grade. Plus, on top of the whole teaching all day thing, I'm working a few nights a week at the Borders Express store in the mall, which takes more time out of my life. Oh, and I'm working with the drama department, as always, so you might see why my free time might be a bit lacking.

But, probably the most time consuming thing that has caused me to fall off the face of the earth is that we bought a house on the 18th of September and that took a TON of time to get in order before we could move in. We'll officially have been living in the house for two weeks as of tomorrow, so that's fun. Not everything that needs to be done in here has been done, but we're working on things still, just much more slowly. And unpacking isn't totally done yet either, because that takes time too. But, here are some before and after pictures to show our progress, and what a difference paint can make.

This is the front of the house, which will be getting some work done in the spring. The ugly purple-ish limestone is going away, and it might get some new trees planted.

The day we closed on the house, this is what the family room looked like. Very orange, and if you can't quite tell, the ceiling is the same color as the fireplace mantle. They even painted the stupid light switch and outlet covers.

This is the after effect of a lot of paint, new carpet, and the addition of our furniture and artwork. I feel like this is a lot more comfortable and calm looking.

Purple and yellow dining room. VERY purple, and again, the ceiling is hte same yellow as the chair rail and crown molding.

So, I went red and white. We're not using the room as a dining room, we're actually making it into a library, so I feel like the red was not too terribly shocking. And, again, new carpet.

The kitchen stressed me out to no end. It was so "blah" and we couldn't figure out what color to paint it. (Everyone say hi to my dad there in the background of this photo)

The solution was actually...more red! To tie the rooms all together, I painted a lighter brown than the living room, and the same red we had in the "library" so that everything sort of flows. I think this was the best solution to the boring kitchen problem.

White bedroom. Ick. It's a lot of space though, so we had to figure out how to break that up.

The solution was actually a very dark blue accent wall, and the rest of the room is a warm chocolate color. It is actually really cozy. (You can see a peek of the chocolate color in the corner of the photo)

So that's what we've been up to here in Berry-land. We're still working on projects, so maybe I'll update as we get some more things done. Jason's office is the next on my list. It looks like he's trying to make a fort out of boxes right now.

Places Your Kids Shouldn't Go

2009-06-25T20:07:00.000-04:00

I'm sure that the mommies out there are going to get pissed off at me about this blog, but that's ok. It's not the first time I'll have been on someone's bad side. I went to a 4:45 showing of the new Transformers movie with Jason and his uncle. We got in after the previews had started due to the slowest concessions line EVER, so we didn't get to sit in the very back like we usually do. We ended up taking a seat near the back of the theater, but because it was dark, we couldn't see who was sitting behind us. Unfortunately, we chose the seats directly in front of two women and the 4 year old kid they brought with them. Joy. I knew we had trouble when the kid sat there talking all the way through the previews without being asked to be quiet. I turned my head a little to see out of the corner of my eye whether his mother was even with him, which she was, and then turned my face back to the screen and immediately heard "That girl just shook her head at us!" exclaimed to the other woman who was with her. Ok, 1) No I didn't and 2) I wouldn't have turned at all if your kid had SHUT THE HELL UP!

So, the movie begins and rugrat behind me decides that the fun thing to do is kick my seat. Again, no one stops him. Then, he's talking. Loudly. He keeps jumping up and saying "Look! Look! Bumblebee!" and after about 5 minutes, when someone (not me) would glare at her, she'd lean over and say "You have to whisper" to her kid. Finally, near the end of the movie, rugrat stops talking (I think he fell asleep) but then his mother would loudly exclaim "WOW!" during the action sequences and I did want to turn around and shove her large diet coke down her throat. Then, after the movie, the lights came up and they left before we did. I turned around to see their trash strewn ALL OVER the seats they were sitting in. Nacho trays, popcorn bags, drink cups, candy packaging, half a hotdog, all left sitting on the floor, seats and armrests. I was appalled. Not only were they rudely loud through the movie, then they were just flat out rude to leave all of that trash lying there. UGH!

So, my point to this is, why do parents think it's ok to let their kids behave like this in a movie theater? If you know your kid can't behave or sit still, DON'T TAKE THEM TO THE MOVIE! Yes, I understand your rugrat really likes the Transformers and really wants to see it, but so does everyone else in the theater and you're ruining their experience. Wait for the freaking DVD and let your kid yak all the way through that in the comfort of your own home. Don't ruin my moviegoing experience, which I paid nearly $10 for, by letting your kid be a monster. If your kid can't be quiet, leave them at home!

Oh, and pick up your trash, because that's just ridiculous.

Quarter Life Crisis....2 years late

2009-06-16T23:10:00.000-04:00

This might be one of those rare posts that make readers go "OMG Becky shut up!" but I'm writing it anyway. I finished the very last class of my undergrad work at 9:00 p.m. Monday night. YAY! I still have my student teaching before I can graduate, but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. Here's my problem, I'm doing this at age 27. Yeah. A little late don't ya think? I do. I am fully aware that some challenges in my life, and a huge case of the "what do I do with my life?!" bug have contributed to this, but it just seems like I've wasted YEARS. All of my high school classmates are doctors, or lawyers, or successful nurses, teachers etc. and they're all buying houses and having kids and I'm sitting here going "Yeah, that's at least another 2 to 3 years off..." and it's making me feel kind of crappy. I've got some immensely talented friends who are seeing their artistic careers really take off and they're talking about being flown to Martha's Vinyard by music producers, or having their work professionally recorded and I sit here thinking "Yeah.....I placed some orders today". You can see where that might be less exciting.

I just feel like I've wasted my 20's by being indecisive and not having the opportunities that some other people had. It's no one's fault, it's just how things are. But it sucks. I've never been West of the Mississippi, I've never been out of the country except for Canada, which I firmly believe does not count, I've never seen the Grand Canyon, I've never watched the sun rise over the desert, I've never gone snorkling in the ocean, I've never taken a cruise, I've never been to Bermuda. These are things that most people do when they're young in their 20's and have the time and opportunity to do, but I haven't. I hold myself back a lot. Hell, I've never been drunk because I'm such a control freak. I stop at 2 glasses of wine, or one margarita. I never went out for my 21st birthday with friends. I didn't have a bachelorette party. Both of those are actually because no one actually planned anything for me, which I find annoying, but that's another topic for another blog. The rest of it is because I just stop myself from having fun, because I'm afraid that if I let go and have a little less control for a while, people will think less of me. I spend a LOT of time trying to be what other people expect me to be, or think I should be, or what I think I should be myself. *sigh* I'm not the fun friend, I'm the downer. Now I feel like it's starting to be career time, and time to settle down and have kids and do the responsible things that people my age do, which is kind of exactly like what I've been doing since I was 18, except for that whole kids part. But that kids part is big, it's a deal breaker for Jason and I want to have kids too, but it's like...when? Seriously. I mean, all of the stuff I want to do can't be done while toting a toddler along with you, and if I wait too long then it becomes one of those "Well, I'll be 70 when the kid graduates high school" situations and I'd like to be alive to see my grandkids. Blah. And I live with my mother-in-law which makes me feel like I'm a huge loser on a daily basis, because I hate having to live there. I feel like a freeloader, and I really really hate that. Plus, I've never lived one day alone with Jason since we got married. It's going on 5 years of living with someone else, and I'm ready to have my own life and my own space. I just feel like I should have accomplished so much more by now, and that I'll have to give some things up to accomplish others, and I hate having to choose.

That's not to say I haven't done anything though, because I have. I mean, I got married in Disney World, which was amazing. I have been all up and down the East Coast and seen most of the historical sites there, I've been swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, and the Gulf of Mexico. I've been swimming with a Dolphin! I've finished a degree without help from anyone. I've worked in several jobs and always gotten promoted. I just haven't done any of those big things that I really wanted to do. And, maybe I will some day. I think it's just that I always find myself wanting more, and being stopped by the limitations of time and money. Does anyone ever stop wanting more? Does anyone ever reach the point in their life where they look around and go "This is enough, this is exactly where I want to be"? Or is it just me who thinks about stuff like this?

Blah.

Sometimes I just think I need a little bit of change. Maybe that's why I want to paint my house all the time....

Start at Home....

2009-06-11T19:55:00.003-04:00

So, after mentioning in my last blog that I want to paint our hideous kitchen cabinets, it got me thinking about all the other stuff Jason and I have done in the house that has made it look less yucky. Just a quick reminder, we don't own this house. Nope. Don't even want to buy it either, but I'm a firm believer that when you REALLY hate looking at the space you live in, it makes you never want to be there, so we decided to do some updates and make it a bit less bare and unattractive. Now, I've decided I'd share some photos of the work we've done, because I'm bored and I feel like it. So, here we go:

Upstairs Bathroom
I don't have a before shot of our full bath, but it was gross. The old metal tub leaked and rotted the subflooring in the room, which peeled up the dingy linoleum, so we had originally just planned to tile and replace the tub, but the tub was an insert with a surround and the decision was made to get a big jetted tub, so that meant doing the tub surround, and when we pulled down the paneling in the room (yes, ugly floral paneling) it ripped out chunks of drywall so we ended up taking the room down to the studs and starting from scratch. We also replaced the vanity and sink, because those were cheap builder grade particle board with oak veneer and I hated them. Here are the photos I took of the *nearly* finished product. Ignore the painters tape.

Kitchen:

Our kitchen was previously beige, just like the rest of the house. No joke, the whole house was beige and I couldn't stand it. Also, it had pig wallpaper. I hated it. Jason thought the pigs were funny, I thought they were country and gross. So, I decided it needed to become a no pig zone.

Before:

After:

Oh, and if you're looking at the floor in the above picture, you'll notice it's dark brown linoleum. Gross. It was also covered in cigarette burns, so we decided to lay down some laminte wood flooring like so:

The refrigerator and dishwasher also got replaced, though that was out of necessity, not for asthetics.

Living Room
Our living room is TINY, and since the house is a bi-level it's got this awful railing going across one side of it. It was really boring and blank so we decided to change it up.

Before:

Mid-point:

Again, ignore the painters tape. Also, if you notice in the above pictures, the blue carries through into our kitchen on one wall. That's because there's no good way to break it up.

After:

This is after we bought some new furniture, and a new rug that I LOVE and scored for $99 when it was supposed to be $299 because of a price sticker error at the store. EXCELLENT! Also, you can't see the railing in this picture, but it's new and black like the furniture.

Hallway:

Our upstairs hallway was pretty blah and had a practically unuseable closet at the top of the stairs. You can see it on the right in the "before" picture. It's got huge mirrored doors on it, but it was too shallow to really put much into and still get the doors shut, and the shelves were too close together, so it wasn't good for much other than hiding junk when company comes over, and I hate wasted space. Also, we painted it the most fabulous yellow in the history of ever. It's called "Honeypot" and is from the Waverly Home Classics collection at Lowes. I love it!

Before:

After:

We bought 3 Ikea book cases because the closet was a vast hole of wasted space, and we were in desperate need of book storage space, so we took the 3 pre-fabbed book cases and pushed them into the closet space to create a built in bookcase look. We affectionetly call it our "crammed in" because we literally had to cram the smallest bookcase into the space, but I think it ended up looking pretty awesome, plus it's functional. Although, as you can see, it's already full, and I've got 3 more boxes of books with no home. *sigh*

So yeah, that's what we've done so far, and we'll never see any real payoff from it except that it's more pleasant to look whenever we're home, and we enjoy that.

Things I Want to Do This Summer

2009-06-09T23:28:00.001-04:00

Since I’m used to being busy constantly, I have a slight amount of fear that I’ll be horribly bored when I am out of school for a little more than a week. Don’t get me wrong, I really need the time off, but I’m also going to need things to do to keep myself from just being lazy, and I go stir crazy when I don’t have much to do for a lot of the time. So, here’s my personal to-do list:

Finish reading books I’ve started

I started reading this one a couple of weeks ago and started getting really sucked in, so I had to put it down and walk away or else I wouldn’t get any homework done, and that’s not good.

I started reading this one on vacation and then never got to finish it because I was busy going out and doing things every day that we were on vacation, and then I got home and started school immediately, so I need to finish it.

Read The Books on my Book List
I have SO MANY books on my list of things I want to read, so I figure I should probably knock some of those out while I can.

This is one that was given to me at work as a “you must read this” young adult novel. Come to think of it, a lot of the stuff on this list is young adult literature, because I never read any as a young adult and I’m told I should know the stuff my students like reading.

I’m hoping to finish this whole series, because I’ve heard really good things about them, and they’re quick reads, so hopefully they’ll just be silly and fun.

I don’t read a lot of graphic novels, but the buying team for this one told me I HAD to read it because it was freaking amazing. They also said I’d hate them later because there are 11 volumes to it. Way to suck me in guys!

I haven’t read a Rushdie novel in a while, and I’ve heard great things about this one, so I’d like to break up the onslaught of teen angst with this one.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this book lately for some reason, so I think I might need to read it again

Paint the Kitchen Cabinets

This is an old picture of our kitchen from right after we painted it green (a color I’m told should NEVER be in a kitchen, but I don’t care because I like it) but if you will notice, those cabinets are ugly. The house isn’t even mine, but I have to think that eventually when Jason’s mom wants to sell it, people are going to look at those cabinets and go “Yeah…those are hideous”. You can’t see it in the picture, but the finish is wearing off of them, and they are actually more orange in color than they look in the picture. They matched the railing that used to be in the living room and on the banister, but we switched that out for a really nice black finish instead, so I think we need to change the cabinets. I want to paint them white, because in my head white means clean and bright, and well…..that kitchen is anything but bright and the cabinets make it look anything but clean. Seriously, the room grosses me out, so if dropping $40 on a few cans of paint is what it takes to give myself some peace of mind and make it so that I don’t HATE walking in there, so be it. Now, if only we could do something about the cracking and hideous laminate countertop…

Go to the Harry Potter Exhibit in Chicago

Chicago’s museum of Science and Industry is hosting an exhibit of Harry Potter movie props, costumes, and set pieces which is open until November. MUST GO!

So that’s about it, so far. I’m sure I’ll add things to the list, but that looks like a decent amount for the time being. Wish me luck on accomplishing all of it!

People in the South are Nuts!

2009-06-09T21:54:00.002-04:00

So, now that I have a quick minute to make a real update, I should mention some interesting things that happened on our vacation back at the end of APRIL! I know!! I am soooo behind. But, these are so classic that they have to be entered into the blogosphere. We went down to Disney World during the height of the Swine Flu scare, so that means that we were apparently destined to catch Swine Flu because we were at a tourist attraction where swine flu was running rampant I guess. The Asian tourists wearing the friggin' surgical masks sure seemed to think so.

On the way to Florida, we stopped in the suburbs of Atlanta for a few days to visit Sara and Jef-f, and while we were there we decided to go to the zoo. I have no idea why that sounded like a good idea, because it was about 9 million degrees outside and the heat mixing with wonderful aroma of large zoo animals does not make for the most amazing day imaginable, but we went anyway. One thing we learned very quickly is that 9 million degree weather doesn't just make the animals stink. Noooo sir, it makes the people stink too, particularly the VERY large man who unwisely decided to wear all black to the zoo on a 9 million degree day. Seriously, homeboy was pungent. To the point where school children walked past him and were gagging and holding their noses. What's worse, when we left the area and moved on to another exhibit and we could smell him approaching before we actually saw him. It was enough to make you choke, so we ran as far away as possible. AND, when we ended up at the Lemur exhibit, I got to hear a classic piece of Southern People Crazy. There were two lemurs cuddled together on a tree facing each other in a hug position as they slept. This crazy ass woman looks at them and gasps as if it's her job to suck all of the air out of the world and says "I can't believe they're letting those animals live in sin like that! There are children looking at this and they're just letting them live in sin! Someone should file a complaint!" No, I'm not joking. Crazy bible thumping bitch couldn't handle seeing some lemurs cuddling while they slept. Personally, I think that if she's worried about them living in sin, she should lobby for lemur marriage rights. Also, she should be pushed out of a moving car.

So those were some fun stories. I think that's all I have for right now. There are other things to blog about, but I should save them for their own blog. Hopefully, now that I'm almost done with school for the summer, I'll have more time to update. Keep your fingers crossed, I know you missed me.

Today is my Birthday

2009-05-13T17:30:00.001-04:00

I will be spending (or have already spent) my birthday doing the following

Getting up at o'dark-thirty
Going to the high school to observe classes
Going to work and staying there until 5
Going straight from work to my 5:30 class
Staying in class until at least 8:00, but likely later
Going home and grabbing things that need to be dropped off at the drama department
Going to the high school to drop things off for the show tomorrow, and probably being stuck there until the end of rehearsal trying to make sure everything is in order
Going home (likely around 10:00) and trying to find something to eat since dinner is just not going to happen
Eating crappy cereal because we have nothing in the house that's quick to make
Going to bed

Amended: We didn't have enough cereal for an actual bowl of cereal, so I had no dinner. Even better. I hate birthdays.

Birthdays suck when you're an adult.

Call me Ted Kaczynski

2009-04-08T16:45:00.004-04:00

I had to write a manifesto for my avant garde lit class, so this is what I wrote. There's something lost in the whole blogging process, because there are tons of different fonts and sizes and the layout is all crazy in the one I actually put together to hand in, but you'll get the general idea.

We do not reform
We replicate
$7,000 a year to educate a person
$30,000 a year to punish them when the $7,000 education wasn’t adequate
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
How backwards is that?
?haht si sdrawkcab woH
Cut the arts
Cut yourself
Resign to a drab gray concrete existence
Without imagination there is no discovery
Without art there is no imagination
Silence the music
Hack off your arm
The play is the thing
until
Its legs are chopped off
And there is no longer a reason to break them
Create a world with no hope
Then be surprised when we are left with indifference
We create prisoners and feign shock when the prisons overflow
Spend $1 to teach and $100 to punish
The system is down
Kill the system
Fall so far behind that you think you’re ahead
No child is left behind
[When they all are]
Lock them up to begin with
It saves time
Time is money
The rich become immortal
The poor wink out in an instant
Turn a blind eye
It doesn’t see beauty anymore anyway
That was cut out with the last budget
Fuck your budget
[From now on, all books will be written in mathematical equations. Shakespeare will now be known as 2x+y=17. Please solve for the meaning of Shakespeare.]
Only scientific discovery will merit praise
We will no longer hear America singing.
Sorry Walt Whitman
The vocal chords are frozen now.
Move to the future [forget the past]
Make the painter a physicist.
Make the actor an architect.
Make the cellist a chemist.
SACRIFICE YOURSELF
Break a leg.

A New Reason To Avoid Florida

2009-03-30T16:40:00.000-04:00

Jason and I find ourselves in an ever-constant quest lately to figure out where we would be willing to live if we were to have to move out of state for jobs. We've nixed most of the South because we're crazy liberals and don't really want to hang around the Bible Belt too much. We've also decided against Arizona and New Mexico because neither of us speaks Spanish, neither of us thinks 106 degree weather sounds appealing, and neither of us are really in love with the idea of having to shake our shoes out every morning to make sure there are no scorpions inside. No thanks. We also said no to Florida. When I tell people this, I often get "WHY? It's so nice down there!". Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Florida as much as the next person, but for visiting, not for living there. It's fine for a vacation spot, and it houses Disney World which everyone knows I love, but it's not somewhere I want to live. Again, people always say "But WHY?". Ok, here's why:
1. Hurricanes
2. No winter, so bugs grow to be the size of Buicks.
3. Hurricanes
4. 'Gators

And now we can add a new item to that list. #5 is now BURMESE PYTHONS!! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!

Apparently, during the last hurricane season, a pet shop was blown over and some of the reptiles escaped. Well now they have been breeding at an alarming rate and Florida is now overrun with 30,000 Burmese Pythons. I would post a picture, but I'm HORRIBLY afraid of snakes. No joke. To the point where I can't look at the most recent Buns Eye View post because it's all about how Buns had an encounter with a snake, complete with Buns Eye Pictures. *Side note: Amy, if you're reading this, I'd have FREAKED OUT if Jason brought a snake into the house for the cats to play with. You are a stronger woman than I.* I have an irrational fear of snakes, and in case you were wondering, Burmese Pythons aren't the small Garter Snake variety. They're the giant squeeze you to death and can eat an entire full sized deer variety. WHAT?! HOLY F*CKING ASS CRACKERS! It's making my skin crawl just thinking about it. I can't even handle pictures of snakes, or snakes in the pet store behind glass (they can break out, they're just lulling you into a false sense of security, I know it) let alone walking out of my hotel room to see an 18 foot (yes, they grow to 18 feet long) 200 lb snake slithering across the lawn to scarf the poor bunny who is just minding his own business. *shudder* And these bitches travel like a mile and a half a day sometimes, which means they're going to get bored with munching on all of the Poodles in the retirement communities and start moving North. They like warm weather, which means pretty much anywhere up to Tennessee is their happy playground, and all the way up the coast into Southern Virginia. Yet another reason to rule out the South thankyouverymuch.

And I want to know how the state of Florida plans to round up 30,000 pythons, which they're trying to do, and what the hell they plan to do with them when they do catch some. I guess they've been picking up pythons found in people's yards etc. for a few weeks now, but 30,000? What the hell are they going to do with 30,000 snakes? Make an Indiana Jones movie?

Ugh..pythons.

Going Green

2009-03-10T22:52:00.001-04:00

I'm a big fan of the "Green Movement" that is sweeping the country. I really like that people are being more environmentally conscious and thinking about the impact they personally have on the Earth. I love that there are companies out there like Seventh Generation who are making concious effort to create products that are safe for both people and for the planet. That being said, I've never used anything these guys make, primarily because I bought cleaning supplies in bulk at Sam's Club 3 years ago and still haven't managed to go through all of them, and while I love being environmentally conscious, I also don't want to waste stuff by tossing it in the trash when it's still perfectly good. So, I'll probably look into buying some Seventh Generation stuff when my supplies run out because I like their philosophy (and if anyone has used any of their stuff, please tell me how well it works!). Jason and I aren't exactly hippies about our environmental activism. We aren't the "shower once a week, eat only what you can grow" type, but we do what we can. We use energy efficient light bulbs, we recycle, we have energy star appliances, we carpool to work and school whenever possible. We would compost our waste, but we're not really in a situation where we can do that at the moment. We would also grow veggies in the back yard over the summer if we had the ability to do that. Those are goals for when we live in our own house...some day. But, my point is that we try. No, neither of us has gone to buying all organic and earth friendly products, because some don't work as well as the ones that ruin the earth and that's sad but true. We also haven't gone to mowing the lawn with one of those motorless push mowers.

My point in all of this, is that I get so annoyed by the people who have suddenly started using their "going green" as a status symbol. Like, "I'm so much greener than you!" as if we're in some sort of competition. I thought we were all in this for the greater good, to help clean up the messes we've made in the past, not to compete for who can be "greener" than their friends. I think that's really just missing the point. Ok, so I don't use recycled toilet paper, because it's one-ply which means you're just going to use more of it in the long run anyway, so that's not helping much, but you do so that makes you somehow more elevated in conservation status? Why do people even care about this? Isn't it enough to just do your part and improve what you can in whatever ways possible? Maybe everyone isn't able to afford eco-friendly household products or organic produce, because unfortunately those things are still at a premium price, but they change out all of their light bulbs and carpool. Isn't that something to be commended? I think it's about helping where you can.

Oh, and someone recently pointed out that they order most of their eco-friendly products from Amazon.com, and that left me scratching my head. These products are shipped to grocery stores and drug stores all over the country in large quantities, which means that by shipping in bulk, he carbon footprint of the shipping is reduced. Then you can take your small, hopefully, fuel efficient car to the store and pick up the eco-friendly products. But, instead, for the sake of convenience, fleets of these guys...

...are going out to your house, each one using up a ton of fuel to bring your small packages to you and leave them on your doorstep so you don't have to be bothered to go out anywhere? That seems more damaging than not using the recycled toilet paper the truck is bringing to your house.

That makes no sense.

But hey, what do I know? You're probably greener than me.

Meet Grover

2009-03-03T16:30:00.001-05:00

This is Grover. Ok, not really, it's a picture of someone else's car that I found online that happens to look exactly like my car, so for the sake of this blog, that is Grover. Grover is my car. I got him about 2 months after Jason and I got married, after the two of us got fed up with my other car breaking all of the time. Grover is my first NEW car, as in new and never owned before. I've had several new to me cars, and none of those worked out so well. My green Dodge Neon was horrible and broke every 10 minutes. The head gasket blew 3 days after I got it, the radio completely died in it, the gas gauge didn't work, the gas tank had a hole in the top so that, while it was not leaking gas, it was taking in mud that was constantly clogging the fuel filters. The calipers locked up on it a million times and the brakes went out every 2 or 3 months because the calipers kept locking up. I did not love that car. Then I spent a while driving around in the Intrepid that my parents bought for my sister but she decided she didn't want, so they bought her a Cavalier and when the Neon crapped out for the millionth time, they let me drive the Intrepid. That one was nice, because it smelled like smoke from the previous owner being a smoker, and then my mom driving it around and smoking in it. It was the size of a bus, it didn't manuver very well, it was dirty inside beyond the point of being able to clean it, in the winter you had to start it and let it run for about 15 minutes before you could drive it if you wanted to avoid it stalling on you the minute you made it to the end of the street, the repairs it needed were actually going to cost more than the car was worth at one point, and it was kind of a hoopdie. So, needless to say, when Jason told me he had crunched some numbers and we were able to afford a new car, I did the most enthusiastic happy dance EVER.

I got Grover because I like the way the Vibe looks, I love having a hatch back and the seats lay down so that you can haul stuff (which has come in handy like you wouldn't believe), it gets awesome gas mileage, and it's super roomy. I am going to drive this car until the wheels fall off. I'm in love with it. I have never been so happy with a car in my life! And, now Grover is completely and totally mine. That's right, no more loan on it. Through some pretty crafty saving, Jason and I have managed to put together enough money to pay off the car loan 16 months early. Heck yeah! I'm sure GM is going to be VERY sad to lose my interest payments for the next 16 months, but life is full of disappointments and I'm sure they'll get over it. So now, Grover belongs entirely to me. I think that as a reward for paying him off early, I'm going to have the car detailed when the weather breaks and I don't have to worry about dragging salt into it anymore. Then he will be pretty and shiney and smell all fresh and clean. HOORAY!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I named the car Grover because he's blue and also because he takes me Neeeeeeaaaarrrrr and Faaaaaaaaarrrrr. Yes, I know I'm lame.

Things I Love and Things I Hate

2009-02-26T16:30:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about stuff lately that I absolutely love, and then also things that drive me batty and I seriously hate. So, because it's in my head, that means it gets to be shared with you. Here we go!

Things I hate:

The terms "Wifey" and "Hubby". Not only does referring to your spouse as your "hubby" or "wifey" conjure up images like the one to the left here, it also sounds completely demeaning. Why do we feel the need to cutesify (it's a word if I say it's a word!) everything? How lazy have we become that the words "husband" and "wife" are too cumbersome to put into regular speech? I also feel like constantly referring to your spouse as your "wifey" or "hubby" to friends who know that person, and who know that the person has an actual name is sort of taking away the person's actual identity and replacing it with one of possession. I know that's not how it's intended, but it's kind of how it sounds. Like, if I'm talking to friends and I am referring to Jason I just call him Jason. I don't say "my husband" as in "I'd love to have more time to spend with my husband". Nope, I just say "I'd love to have more time to spend with Jason" because he is my spouse, yes, but that is not the entirety of who he is and he does have an identity outside of me so why should I define him by the fact that we're married? Sure, if I'm talking to someone who doesn't know Jason, I refer to him as my husband, because if I just dropped the name into the conversation, that person might get confused, but in general, he's Jason. And, in general when he talks about me I'm Becky, not "his wife". Sometimes I think people who drop words like "wifey" and "hubby" into conversations are just trying to emphasize the fact that they have a spouse, which I think is silly.

I also hate Wall Street. Not the actual street, of course, because I'm sure the concrete never did anything to me, but the actual stock market pisses me off. There is no rhyme or reason to what happens with it, and people hear "The economy is bad" so they sell their stock and make the economy worse. Fabulous! Thank you so much investment banker man! I just think that if we weren't so worked up over how bad things are, they would stop being bad. People hear that money is tight, so they don't spend because they're afraid they'll lose their jobs, but because we're a nation of service industries and manufacture very little on our own soil, the minute people stop spending, they lose their jobs. So, by not spending because you're afraid you'll lose your job, you then cause companies to lose money and uhh....you lose your job. Maybe what everyone should do is chill the hell out and go about their lives as normal for a few weeks and see where that gets us. I also say we should ignore Wall Street because those jackasses are the people who got us into this mess in the first place, so why on Earth are we listening to them about anything? They just want to make a buck so they can go on their elaborate vacations and own six houses.

Now, for some things that I love!
Whole Foods. Yes folks, I LOVE Whole Foods. For someone who doesn't generally enjoy cooking or eating, it's weird for me to seriously love a grocery store, but I do. In my area there are tons of shopping choices, the most popular of which is probably Meijer, whose runner up would be Kroger. I don't shop at Meijer anymore, because half of the time we'd end up getting produce that was on the verge of going bad, and for the longest time they didn't carry any humanely raised chicken, and also whenever we went there it was like Ghetto Fabulous day and Jason and I decided we had seen far too many g-strings peeking out of the tops of too many pairs of too-tight jeans on overweight girls. Plus, they put a Kroger in around the corner from our house. So, we spent a lot of time shopping there. But here's the thing, I would go shopping at Kroger and buy food and I was never excited to go home and actually cook any of it. When Jason gave up red meat a year ago, he started worrying about buying caged chicken due to the abuse, so we went to Whole Foods where they carry both barn roaming chicken, which is antibiotic free, and free range chicken. Score! Then we started going there for just about everything, because we did the math and we weren't really spending that much more per week to buy our produce and stuff from them, and in some cases they had things priced better than Kroger (Rice, for example). So, now we go to Whole Foods every Sunday with our eco-friendly tote, our yuppie grocery list and we buy tons of things that are fresh and always really delicious (produce was still iffy at Kroger, we've never had a bad experience with produce from Whole Foods) and I line it all up on the conveyer belt and get seriously excited to go home and cook. That feeling is soooo worth the extra $6 every week.

I also love when people get my obscure literary (or not so literary) references. Last week I was walking through a row of cubicles at work stirring my tea on my way back to my desk and one of my co-workers stopped at the end of the row and watched me for a second, which made me stand still and say "What?" and he said "I don't know, you just looked kind of ghostly, like all you needed was some crazy hair and a white dress" and I said "That's funny. How very Miss Havisham of me" and he didn't get it, but another co-worker did and started laughing. I love when that happens! It makes me feel like I'm in some weird epsiode of Gilmore Girls or something (Have I mentioned I LOVE Gilmore Girls?) and I think it's awesome. I made another comment a couple of weeks ago at work when someone said that I talk a lot and I said "That's how people communicate" and she said "Well there is non-verbal communication" and I said "Who do I look like? Marcel Marceau?" and she got that reference. See, you can be smart and still relatively entertaining. YAY!

So there we go, an update that has something interesting or entertaining, or at least a little bit ranty for you. Enjoy folks!

I Am Not Yet Dead

2009-02-25T16:30:00.001-05:00

In case you were wondering. Nope. Still here. Just haven't really had anything interesting to blog about lately. I've been going through this phase where I have been frustrated with uhh....everything in the world and when that happens I kind of shut myself off. I don't want to talk to people about the state of the world, I don't want to update on what's going on in my life when it's just frustrating stuff, and I don't want to make small talk. So, that meant no blogging. But hey, you can't be frustrated all the time so here I am, making an update.

On the happy note, I didn't get "shitcanned" (Jason's phrase) last week when they laid 136 people off in my office. Jason didn't either. That was pretty exciting, since we'd have been screwed if we had been let go, but we weren't. Unfortunately Jason's boss, who he really liked, was let go and now he's been assigned under a new boss and it's looking like he's going to start hating his job pretty quickly because he's going from being useful to being the department's event coordinator and secretary for his new boss. That makes me kind of sad, since the last time he hated his job (what, Discovery Channel store?) life was pretty difficult. He always came home angry or unhappy and we fought a lot for no real reason. So, I'm not looking forward to him not liking this job because we could be going back down that road. He only has to stick it out until December though, so hopefully it won't all become too much for him. As for me, I'm still under the same boss, still doing the same job and might even have the opportunity to stay on for a few hours a week after I start student teaching so that I can get some work done that the team won't be able to do if they're not able to fill my position. That would be nice, because then I could come in on the weekends or in the evenings and just do a few hours of work and still make some cash. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that to work out.

Uhh.....Spring break this week, which is a stupid name because it feels nothing like spring outside, but we have a break and that's pretty nice. Too bad it's only a week, and too bad I still have to go to work during break. Could be worse though.

Watched the Oscars, loved Hugh Jackman. That was good. Trying not to be frustrated with certain people in my life, which I may very well be failing miserably at, but I'm still trying. We'll see how that goes. Gotta make it until at least next April without making Jason want to kill me, so I'm trying to be sunshine and happiness. That's harder than it sounds. Never thought I'd spend the first 4 years of my marriage living with another person who neither of us want to live with. *sigh* But hey, if we make it through this, we can make it through anything. Other people have been pissing me off too, but it's easier to ignore them. I've been ignoring people a lot, because it's easier than telling them I'm frustrated and feeling like they don't really care. Why waste the time right? Right. Besides, I've been accused of being "high pressure" in the past and wouldn't want someone else to think that.

Wow.....this was kind of all over the place. But it's here. And so am I. Hopefully I'll think of something funny in the next few days and post it.

Time for Another Good Idea, Bad Idea

2009-02-12T16:15:00.000-05:00

Good Idea:Going with your super awesome drama kids to their theater festival in Bay City which has been named "Love Fest" because any school can attend and it's for departments to be able to display their love of theater through performance of various one act plays. Jason and I had never gone with the kids to this event, mostly because we usually have Saturday classes, but this semester we had no Saturday classes so we decided to chaperone. It was fabulous to see the kids having fun the entire time they were there. They get to mingle with other schools and they have a lot of fun.....some of them have too much fun and have to be detached at the tonsils from whatever girl or boy from another school has attracted their attention, but over all there are not usually any major problems. The kids were pretty well behaved and they performed really well despite some technical problems, so I was pretty happy with the weekend.

Bad Idea:

Accidentally locking your most cuddly and chubby cat in your bedroom the morning that you leave for the weekend trip to Bay City. I'm not entirely sure how he got into the room. We usually close the door behind us whenever we enter or exit the bedroom, but for a 20 lb. ball of lard, he's pretty wiley. He managed to slip into the room without us noticing and I guess he must have gone straight under the bed, because we never saw him. Now, there is no litter box in my bedroom, and he wasn't discovered as being trapped until Jason's mom heard him meowing sometime on Saturday. We left at 7:40 a.m. on Friday, so that's a long time to go without a potty. So, what did my ever-resourceful kitty do? He made himself a potty.....on my bed. Yeah. We came home and didn't know he'd been locked in the room until Jason's mom mentioned it around 10, but at that time we hadn't noticed anything in the bedroom so we thought he had been able to hold it. Guess not. Jason crawled into bed around 11:00 and was like "It smells like cat pee!" because chubbs had apparently made quite a puddle in our mattress that had dried over the course of the weekend. That was....fun. Except that it was no fun at all. So, at 11:10 at night, I'm soaking my mattress in Nature's Miracle (this stuff is a lifesaver) and trying to figure out how we're going to sleep on the soaked mattress, washing the comforter and sheets and trying to evacuate the smell from my room. And here's the thing, it's not like this is the first time a pet has peed in my bed. No, it's happened 3 times!!! First time was Sam sitting on our bed and peeing the night before we went on vacation....WHILE WE WERE IN IT! He has separation anxiety problems. He's an idiot. Second time was Jason's sister's cat, Pig, running into our room while we were getting ready for work one morning, sitting on the bed and just peeing. No, I have no idea why. So, what I want to know is, what is it about my bed that makes it so appealing to pee in?

Those pets are lucky I love them, or I'd kill them.

Narrowing the Gap

2009-02-10T20:06:00.002-05:00

So I had to read this article for class and do a Genre reflection on it, and a blog is a Genre so I'm doing it here. Regular readers, you may want to skip this one as it has nothing to do with wondering who was the first to eat a pineapple, or weird things I think about when I can't sleep at night. Or read it, if you're interested in education type stuff.

So I'm reading this article called "Narrowing the Gap between Readers and Books", which was...surprisingly short. No, really, for an educational article, really short. Anyway, the article talks about how getting students to read, and to want to read, narrows the achievement gap because it helps them perform well in other areas of their education. Fair enough, I'm on board with that. Then it goes on to talk about how multi-cultural literature actually helps students, particularly middle-school aged students who are on the verge of losing interest in reading, to maintain their focus and their desire to read. Now, I can get on board with that too, to an extent. Part of me wonders if it's the fact that the literature is multi-cultural that is getting students to want to read it, or if it's just because it's different from everything else school has been cramming into their heads for seven or eight years. I guess I question whether this literature is grabbing kids from other cultures who have not been able to identify with any literature until they discovered books written by people from their culture, or if this is more wide spread and even the non-minority kids are jumping on board with African American lit and saying "Yeah, this is freakin' sweet". I can see the merit of teaching literature from other cultures, but at some point I have to stop and look at things and say "You know....I'm still going to have to cover the standard literary canon because the school says so", and I wonder if that means I'm going to lose students by having them pay attention to that. But, then I think that if I can get kids interested in reading literature from various cultures for fun, isn't that still narrowing the gap in a way? I mean, the article talks about how reading just because you want to is as effective as any other form of reading, even if the kid is just reading comic books or graphic novels. And to that point, does that make Manga multi-cultural? No...really, I'm curious. Do kids see Manga as a multi-cultural piece of of literature, and is that possibly why it's so popular? Kids eat that stuff up like it's candy.

I didn't like that the article mentioned lots of cultures, but it seemed to be slanted toward African American literature. There's nothing wrong with that, but having come out of a high school and (almost) out of a college recently, there's a HUGE push to understand and appreciate African American literature in the classroom. I think it's great, because it's been neglected for so long, but I think the heavy focus on it makes us forget that there are Asian, Hispanic, and Middle Eastern students in our classrooms, and while they can appreciate African American literature, they can't relate to it. The study of African American lit was a great move toward inclusion when classrooms were basically either "black kids" or "white kids". It covered all of your bases, but now our classrooms are so much more diverse and in some places they have become little microcosms of the globe, so we have to be careful to avoid excluding those kids too. And then, of course, there is a part of me that says "Ok...but if we try to please everyone, does it end in us pleasing no one?" because inevitably some group is going to get left out, and that's just going to cause problems.

I don't know, those were just the things I was thinking about when I read the article. It was interesting and gave me some food for thought.

Future entries will resume talking about crazy things. Perhaps next time I will blog about why you should NOT accidentally lock your cat in your room when you go out of town for 3 days, or why I feel weird when people don't get my obscure references in conversation. But, that's for another day.

Becky: Live and on the Interwebs

2009-02-10T09:08:00.003-05:00

So I did a discussion panel with Christopher Moore a couple of weeks ago, as I mentioned in a previous entry. Well now it's streaming live for all to see. Check it out here. There is very little of my actual face in the video, which is kind of fine 'cause I look like ick, but there's lots of my back, and lots of my friend British Jeff. You'll be able to figure out which one he is, since he's the British one. I thought there was only one video but they broke it down into chapters so you can click the menu on the right of the video window and see the other segments. I think they cut out some pretty funny stuff, but over all it's a nifty video. And it was fun to make!

Ye Olde "HOLY CRAP"!

2009-01-16T12:54:00.002-05:00

Working in the book industry, you tend to get a lot of exposure to different authors you might not otherwise pick up and read. When I worked at Waldenbooks, I got to check books out on a library style system so that employees could gain more product knowledge without actually having to spend all of their money on all of the books they were reading. It was pretty genius, especially for someone like me who was really only familiar with the authors I really liked and was reluctant to spend cash on books I wasn't sure I'd enjoy. So, since I was in charge of our fiction section, I spent day after day after day shelving books with interesting titles or by authors I hadn't heard of before. One day I was shelving books and I came across a title that immediately sparked my interest. It was called Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. I did a quick read of the synopsis on the back of the book and thought it sounded funny. I picked up a copy and took it into the break room with me when I went on my lunch break and read the prologue. I laughed like crazy and decided I had to read this book. So, I did. I read that one and the other two we had in stock by this guy and thought "This is some seriously funny stuff". So, when I finished the book I saw that he puts his e-mail in the "about the author" section of his books and I decided to send him an e-mail saying that I worked for a bookstore and I really enjoyed his books. This sounds creepy, but I should also add in that I e-mail restaurants whenever they give good service, stores when I have received good service from them, so basically whenever anyone goes above and beyond my expectations and I have an opportunity to thank them, I send along a little thank-you note. Anyway, I experienced the unexpected when he actually e-mailed me back and started a conversation. I did not expect that. So, I spent some time on his fan message boards, where there were not a ton of fans at the time, and when he was doing a signing at a Borders in Ann Arbor I asked if he'd mind stopping by my Walden store. So he did. Seriously, coolest guy ever right?

Fast forward to a few years later when I'm working in the corporate offices for Borders and get an e-mail from a co-worker saying Chris is going to be in the office one afternoon. Although having a written dialogue with him for years, I am still a bit reluctant for face to face contact with people I admire and think are totally awesome, so I walk past the room where he's signing books for buyers and inventory analysts and I hear "Fine Becky, just pretend I'm not here. I hate you now" as I walk past the room. So...I go in and we have a chat, which kind of bewildered the buyers in the room because we had pre-existing rapport, and then I got my book signed, left and went to the public signing with some other local people from the message boards that night. We had a good time, and that was that.

Fast forward again to two days ago when I check my Facebook and get a message from my friend British Jeff (I mention that he's British because I know several Jeff's and want to specify which one I'm talking about) saying to check the message boards because I'm needed. What? Right. So, I check the boards and see that Chris is doing a Live at 01 Borders book club taping here in Michigan on the 30th and there's a call out to me, Jeff and Steve (lives in the area as well) specifically to come do this book club discussion, so I'm like "Cool, I'm in!" because it sounds like fun. Well then I check my private messages on Myspace and Chris had sent me a request to attend this and I'm like "Wow, cool, I was specifically requested. I'm all flattered and stuff!" so now I'm going to go to Store 01 on the 30th and chat about his new book (see picture above) with some friends of mine and with Chris and have it taped to stream on the Borders.com website. How freaking cool is that?!

Guilty Pleasures

2009-01-10T18:44:00.007-05:00

I can't really lie folks, whenever there's nothing on television worth watching, my TV is always set to HGTV. It's sad, but very very true. Plus, since there hasn't been anything new on TV since before Thanksgiving, that means I've been watching a LOT of HGTV. This wouldn't be a problem, except that it makes me want to do all kinds of crazy interior design junk. I've done renovations and painting etc. in the house we live in now, but I don't really want to do anything else to it because we'll NEVER see any return on it since we're not buying this house and also because there's not really a whole lot you can do to this place to make it not suck. In general, the house is crappy and has the worst layout ever so it's always going to be sucky. So, this of course makes me sit around wanting my own house like...A LOT. Although, there are a lot other reasons I want my own house at the moment, but HGTV isn't helping. I want to go in and like...paint stuff or arrange furniture and actually have some space to have more than 3 or 4 friends over at one time. But, since I don't have that, watching HGTV makes me want to go to other people's houses and paint their stuff for them, which probably wouldn't go over so well since not everyone has my taste. But jeez....it makes me want to make people's ugly stuff pretty.

Damn you HGTV.

80's Television

2009-01-06T10:53:00.006-05:00

So I was sitting around last night when I couldn't sleep because my brain wouldn't shut off (this happens a lot) and I experienced the usual mind wandering that happens when my brain refuses to be quiet and go to sleep. So, while I was lying in bed, I started thinking about telelvision in the 1980's and how weird some of it was. For example, who was in a room pitching Doogie Howser, M.D.? I imagine the pitch going something like this:

"Ok we want to make a show for families, but it's geared mostly toward pre-teen and teen audiences. It's a show about a 14 year old kid, but he's a genius. Not only is he a genius, he's a doctor! That's right, he's a child prodigy who survived childhood lukemia and decided to become a doctor so he graduated from med school when he was 14 and now he works as a doctor in the same hospital as his dad. The brains and responsibility of this kid will be offset by his idiot best friend who will also serve as the comic relief of the show. What do you think?"

Exec: Nah, not interested.

"Did I mention that at the end of each episode he makes a profound and moral statement in a computer journal that will promote values and good morality?"

Exec: SOLD!

I think that might be how a lot of 80's tv shows were pitched. They probably had weird and basically crappy setups and the premise was usually not fantastic, but the minute you threw in "positive moral message" television studios ate it up like it was a snack cake. I think this is particularly true for shows that were aimed at younger audiences. That's probably how we ended up with Doogie. And what the hell kind of a name is Doogie anyway? I'd have changed that crap.

Thank goodness Neil Patrick Harris has been able to move on from his roots in bad 80's television. And admit he's gay. And do another tv show. And do Broadway. And be Dr. Horrible.

All is Calm, All is Bright

2008-12-30T15:07:00.002-05:00

This week has been....busy. Jason's youngest sister came into town with her husband last Sunday and they were here until the day after Christmas. I should probably preface all of this by saying that our house is not very big. It looks like it from the outside, but reality is very different. So, they came to stay and that was fine, but you would be surprised how two people can make a place feel smaller, especially when there are already 3 people, 2 dogs, 3 cats and a bird in there. Then his sister got a puppy for Christmas. Add one more creature. My dogs were NOT pleased with the puppy, so that was interesting. They mostly stayed downstairs until the puppy left on Friday. Then, on Friday Jason's other sister, her boyfriend and their 3 year old came to stay with us. Still, 3 additional creatures in the house, and one of them is LOUD. My nephew could break glass with the pitches he reaches sometimes. Again, the dogs were mostly not amused, since he likes to pull on tails and ears and wrestle. So, there were all of the accouterments that accompany a 3 year old, and the house was a TOTAL disaster because our tiny living room was taken up mostly by the giant Christmas tree. But, everyone left yesterday and now the house is once again quiet and calm. My dogs aren't in hiding, my cats haven't evacuated to the high ground where they are safe, and my husband hasn't been slapped in the face by a toddler in like 2 days. Visits are nice, but getting your house back is nicer.

Pieces of Me

2008-12-17T11:58:00.005-05:00

This morning I woke up to an entire city covered in snow. Not a little bit of snow, a lot-a-bit of snow. According to the radio, just under three inches of snow. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, so I left really early because I figured the roads would be a mess and my doctor is in Milan so I take mostly back roads to get there. I know that everyone around me was probably grumbling about their commute and how it was snowy and slippery and people didn't know how to drive and everything else that you always hear when we get a lot of snow in a short period of time, but all I could think was how beautiful everything was. I was driving at the breakneck speed of 35 mph, but it didn't matter. It was beautiful out. Everything was covered in white, the trees were sagging slightly from the snow that had settled in the branches and everything was so quiet. I was just....I was happy. At about 7:52 this morning, I smiled to myself and thought "Life is good". Sure, that attitude didn't last long because I eventually went to work, but for that 40 minute commute this morning, life was good and everything was beautiful and the world was peaceful.

When I got to the office, which is in a shiny pretty new building now, I was checking in and I could see one of the walls back in the hallway to the exam rooms. Currently, if you were to go into that office, when you open the door from the waiting room into the exam areas, you are greeted by a smiling Santa face made from felt and google eyes with a big yarn beard. My grandma made that. Her doctor was part of the same practice, and she gave him the Santa about 8 years ago, and he still hangs it up every year. So, unexpectedly, my grandma greeted me this morning. She died two years ago, and there are days when I miss her a lot, but it seems like I'm always finding pieces of her everywhere, even in places I don't expect to find her. I hope some day, when I'm gone, there are pieces of me (not literal pieces BOBBIE!) everywhere so that I can unexpectedly greet my loved ones and make them as happy as I was this morning.

So today you get a break from my usual ranting or smart assed commentary. Today life is good. Today I am happy.

I Haven't Been Drinking the Company Kool-Aid

2008-12-10T10:53:00.003-05:00

I'm going to praise the company anyway though. This year, due to the fact that my free time is way more limited than it has been in the past (working, drama department AND 5 classes?! I must hate myself!) I've had to resort to making more purchases online than I ever have before. I don't like doing my Christmas shopping online, to be honest. I enjoy going to the crowded mall, I don't mind that there are tons of people in stores or long lines. I really like to go out, be surrounded by other shoppers, and select gifts for my friends and family. Even when I was working retail and had to deal with cranky customers, a packed store and insane hours, I never stopped loving the hustle and bustle of Christmas. Plus, I have an instant gratification complex where I like to have things NOW, not wait for shipping. Anyway, my point is that I don't usually shop online.

Since I had to do online shopping this year, there were a ton of sites I had to visit to acquire all of the gifts I was searching for. Luckily, a lot of people on my list want books and movies, which means I get to take advantage of my Borders discount (And the insane 40% off DVD set coupons that the Borders Rewards members have been getting). But, with no time to make it to a store, I've had to shop our website. Yeah. Because this year we have a website. Oh sure, we said we were going to have one a long time ago, but we ran into obstacles and stuff and that was delayed, but it's been up and running since sometime late this summer. Umm....I'm in love with this site. No joke. I have shopped Amazon in the past, because they were our website affiliate, but I hated shopping there. Sure, I could get books, movies, a digital camera and random toys all in one transaction, but the site isn't my favorite. It's kind of sterile, like "Here's a list of stuff. Please buy it and leave" or something. There was nothing that made me want to search further in the site or spend more time on there than was needed just to complete my transaction. Plus, I didn't get my employee discount from them. Sucks! The new borders.com site is soooo different. I honestly feel like they took one of our stores and dropped it on the internet. I surf that site all the stinking time! There is shopping to do, obviously, but there are also interviews, book clubs, celebrity chef videos and all kinds of other stuff. It's fully interactive. I freaking love it! Plus they offer free shipping on purchases over $25 just like Amazon.com does, and almost all of our Borders Rewards coupons can be redeemed online as well as in store. Prices aren't unreasonable, even without the employee discount, and the selection is huge. I know it sounds like I'm just towing the company line on this one, but I swear I'd be saying this even if I didn't work for them. It's just a really really nice site. Go check it out!

Plus, it wouldn't hurt if you made your online purchases from there instead of Amazon since...you know...our stock price is like $0.63 a share right now and I'd really hate to see the company go out of business, because even if I don't plan on working for them forever I'd really like to be able to shop in the stores when I'm teaching. I'm just sayin'.....

I've Been Unseated

2008-12-05T14:37:00.004-05:00

In general, I'm really good at finding bargains. Now, that doesn't mean I will only buy something if it's on super discount, but I do tend to pounce on really good deals when I find them. For example, if I find a $400 down filled comforter on sale for $140, I'm going to buy that sucker. I do this a lot for Christmas gifts, because I have a LOT of people to buy for and I don't want to give everyone a bunch of really crappy gifts, so I look for deals where I can find them. I hit outlet malls, I shop online clearance specials, I pick up books when my company does its 40% off sale for employees. I feel that, in general, when it comes to finding discounts, I'm really successful.

Or at least that's how I felt before about half an hour ago when Jason unceremoniously unseated me from my bargain shopping throne. That is because today, Jason was browsing the internet for potential Christmas gifts for yours truly, and came across this:

This is the Wusthof Classic 23 piece knife and block set that we both have been salivating over for the past six months. I bought one of the Wusthof Santoku knives on super clearance when Linens 'n Things was going out of business and fell in love with it. It was SO nice to use a knife that was well balanced, light weight, super sharp and easy to handle. From that point on Jason and I had our eyes on the entire set of these knives, but with really good quality comes a really big price tag. I'm talking $1500 big. Yeah. That's a lot of coin to drop on some knives. So, we resigned ourselves to salivating over them and dreaming of the "some day" that may never come.

Well...it came today. While browsing macys.com Jason came across this set clearanced for their online one day sale for $299.00. HOLY CRAP!

They'll be at my house in a week. I may piddle.

Proposal 8, the Musical!

2008-12-03T21:53:00.004-05:00

My friend's mother sent this to me. I assume she found it by being made of awesome. HILARIOUS!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Let The Countdown Begin!

2008-12-02T15:47:00.002-05:00

It's coming up on the time of year that I both love and hate. No, not Christmas. It's winding down to the end of my semester at school. I love it, because there's a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm SO CLOSE to being done with my classes and one step closer to being done with school all together (I kick myself every day for procrastinating and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life so that I'm still in school). While this is exciting and rewarding, it also leaves me ripping my hair out as I panic about the amount of work I have due before the semester ends. AHHHH! As of right now I have a 6 to 10 page paper due on Tuesday, which I'm hoping won't be a big deal since it's a literary interpretation of a book of my choice as compared to the novels we've read in class over the semester. Then I have a 20 page paper due for one of my education classes, which is friggin NUTS, but I've got the framework for that done so we'll see how it goes. That's due the 18th. Then I have a homework assignment due on Monday for my Linguistics class, and another due on Tuesday for my other Linguistics class. And, I have a project where I have to write up tests for my assessment class so that I accomplish this CAP thing that's due on the 15th. HOLY COW! Crazy huh? Oh well, soon it'll all be over and I'll have a week of vacation over the holidays and I'm going to be REALLY happy about it.

Then everything starts again on the 5th of January.

Break is ALWAYS too short.

Can't Figure Out What To Get The Kids For Christmas?

2008-11-27T20:31:00.001-05:00

Try this!

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.