Small, But Valuable

To steal a line from Nora Ephron, "I lead a small life.  Valuable, but small."  This seems to sum up my life pretty well.  I don't do big important things, I don't make scientific discoveries.  I have lived in the same ten mile radius pretty much my entire life.  On the whole, my life is simple, and if were no longer to be around, it would not make the news, nor would it be a loss felt by a great many.  That is not said in self pity, it is just a reality that I think most people live with but don't care to admit.  It is not to say that my life does not have value.  I've spent a huge portion of my life working toward the greater good. I have been a part of protests and union rallies, I have been a voice to speak out against injustice, I have donated large portions of my life and my time to volunteer work.  I was raised in the belief that there is always a greater good, and that we all need to strive toward it.  When injustice happens to one, we all need to fight against it until it no longer exists.  That has been my entire life.  It is why I am quick to jump to the defense of people who have been somehow wronged, even if it is not my battle to fight.

Now, as an adult I have dedicated my life to helping out in a field I know, so I've spent six years volunteering my time and money with the theatre department at my old high school.  Not because I got anything out of it, because I've never been paid, and the tireless hours often go unnoticed, but because it was needed.  They had almost no parents to volunteer, they had no help, and they had more than enough work to go around.  So, I jumped in with both feet.  Jason was right there next to me, working just as hard and being just as dedicated.  We coached actors, we made costumes, we made and purchased props, we worked concessions, we worked every fundraiser, we chaperoned field trips, we organized transportation, we managed meals for the students.  There were very few areas of that department that we did not touch and try to improve.  When Jason took over as Booster President, the boosters went from doing nothing more than paying for scholarships each year to offering group sales, paying for free workshops, subsidizing the expenses of field trips, providing larger and more meaningful college scholarships, offering hardship scholarships so underprivileged kids could attend events they would not otherwise be able to afford, and creating a summer Shakespeare program to allow students an opportunity to expand their on-stage experience.  We have had big dreams.  We had plans of doing more, and growing more.  Offering workshops for elementary and middle school students, college audition guidance, financially supporting programs in the elementary school, donating to other arts departments in the district, organizing larger and more exciting field trips.  You name it, we wanted to do it.  It never happened, and probably never will.  Somehow my small, charitable life became the source of some sort of scandal.  The good intentions and hours of dedication that Jason and I have had all along are now somehow under accusation of "creating drama".  Our forward thinking is now a problem.  We have been falsely accused, we have been disrespected, we have had our names dragged through the mud, our reputations have been damaged, our work has been taken for granted and we are now being barred entirely from making any more progress.    I will never understand why hard work gets rewarded with jealousy and spite.  And what's worse, we have lost the ability to know who can or cannot be trusted.  People we have considered friends, or at least colleagues have turned on us due to rumor and conjecture that has no place in our lives.  Each time I hear someone else say they are tired of this drama, I wonder why they believe that we are not tired of it ourselves.  It's exhausting, and we never wanted any part of it.  But we will not go quietly when injustice exists in our lives.  It is not in our nature.

I think what makes me the most sad is that there has been nothing more rewarding over the past six years than working with the amazing group of young people we have been privileged to know.  They have truly been the highlight of my life, and they will never know how much they have taught me about reality while I was teaching them how to pretend.  I have opened my home to students in need, not because it was easy, but because it was right.  Some people would say Jason and I are crazy to spend so much time focused on improving the lives of these teens, even outside of the confines of theatre, but there has been nothing in my life that has felt so right.  When a student came to us in need of a home, we didn't think twice before offering ours.  It is an act of love I will never regret.  To think that because of a handful of small, petty people, I will lose the privilege of meeting more of these amazing young people makes me so sad.  Especially when those small, petty people take those same young people for granted and cannot recognize how special and valuable each of them is.  They will never know what a privilege they have.  I would never dream of taking it for granted.  It has made my life so much more rich, and so much more colorful.  If I am to lose this opportunity, I will remain grateful that I had it for as long as I have.  I will never apologize for the work we have done, regardless of how much "drama" others might accuse me of creating.  I have no regrets.  I have touched lives.  There is nothing more valuable than that.

I have kept my life small.  Those kids have given it value.  They will probably never know, but I could never thank them enough.

Some Things Come to an End

As part of my goals for the New Year, I said I needed to get myself in order. Part of that involves coming to terms with some realities that I've been avoiding for a while, and part of it involves letting some people go. I have this history of having really great friends, and investing a lot in those friends, and then having those friends decide that A) They just don't like me anymore, B) They never REALLY liked me to begin with, or C) They simply can't be bothered to maintain the friendship. These are all things that sort of sting, especially when a lot has been invested in the relationship. I don't trust people easily. I actually have a really hard time letting people in, and very few people get to see the raw and vulnerable side of me. It's really hard for me to let people in enough that they get to see all of it, the good and the bad. There are probably only a handful of people who have been let into that part of my life. Perhaps five people ever, outside of my immediate family. So, when someone who actually gets to see that part of my life sort of betrays that trust or throws it in my face, it becomes something that is almost unforgivable. I put a lot of faith and trust in my close friends, and in some ways I depend on them for a lot of support, and when that turns to betrayal, I can't reconcile it. I can't just say "Ok, we'll get past that". Words hold a lot more hurt for me than physical abuse ever could. Words cut me to the core. When someone says they were only in it to be friends with Jason, that sticks. When someone says that my life, the life that I worked up a lot of courage to share with them, is "too much drama", that doesn't go away. When someone takes me for granted, it hurts. And it makes me realize that the reality that I have been avoiding is that what I thought of as a very trusted and valued friendship simply wasn't that at all. It wasn't anything. It was a show, a shell of something to suit the motives of the other person. It wasn't real.

That's hard to swallow, especially for me. It's hard to reconcile it in my mind, that I wasted so much time, and so much of myself on someone who possibly never deserved it to begin with. I have struggled with this for years, seriously struggled, and I've even avoided the acceptance for a long time. I kept sitting around hoping things would change, or hoping for apologies that would never come, or effort that would never be made. I spent a lot of time angry, and a lot of time wanting some sort of end to it all, be it reconciliation or closure. The reality is that I will likely never get either. I'm in a situation where even if I remove myself, Jason will never be removed from this person, and every time I see them or they visit it's like ripping off a scab that had just started to heal over and the pain and frustration is raw and fresh again, like it's brand new. I have spent a long time trying to figure out what to do, or how to make things different, but I can't change the past and if the other person doesn't want to change the future, then there's nothing I can do but accept it. I've heard promises of change or of making an effort, but every promise is met with absolutely no action to back it up. I'm tired. I'm split open and and I'm angry, and I need the scab to actually heal over. I need to be done with it, because it's simply too much to keep doing this to myself. The only one who keeps getting hurt by this is me, and I need to put a stop to it before I have nothing left. So, I took the step and I cut the tie as best I could from myself and I'm hoping that from here I can start to move away from all of this. I can let the scab heal over. I can focus on those few others who I have opened up to and I can make better choices in the future as to who else I let into that very small circle. Sometimes the only thing to do with a damaged bridge is burn it.

Say What?

So what I'm starting to realize lately is that I might, just possibly, be a crappy communicator. This is a bit disheartening since well....it was my minor in college. But, sometimes I find that I get annoyed with people, or I get pissed off about something and I don't really do a very good job of telling people why I'm bothered. Sometimes, I rather stupidly expect other people to figure out why I'm angry. Other times I think I've been perfectly clear just to discover, amid a giant argument, that I have not been clear at all. That's not good. So, maybe this year I need to add "communicate better" to that list of goals.

New Year, New You?

Every time we ring in the New Year, everyone starts talking about goals and resolutions. This year seems different though. It seems like people who don't usually talk about changing their lives or about setting goals are now setting goals and making changes. It makes me think back on 2011 and wonder what it was about that year that has pushed people to start making these new resolutions. Personally, 2011 had its ups and downs in my life. 2010 ended as the darkest period I can remember in my adult life, so it felt like 2011 had to be better just by default, and in a lot of ways it was. I moved on to a new job I really enjoy, which was a huge relief after the way my previous year ended with respect to jobs. It also meant I left my beloved Borders after a very short return to the corporate offices. I didn't know it would be the last time I would set foot inside those walls, and I was horribly saddened to watch as they liquidated. Jason and I had some stress regarding his job situation, since he was left unemployed after his long term subbing ended in June, and then there was more stress because the temp job he accepted was not something he enjoyed, and when they took him on full time, he was really frustrated and has been unhappy in his work life ever since. So, that's been crummy. Though, the low points have been balanced by high points, like going to Europe, gaining a new nephew, and spending a lot of time with friends and family throughout the year. So it hasn't been all bad.

All in all, I kind of expect 2012 to be about the same. I know that people think this is going to be a good year, a better year, a great year. I don't know what it will be, myself, but I expect it to have its ups and downs just like everything else. I do, however, think that there's a chance there will be more ups than downs. I'm not sure why, but it just feels that way at the moment. Time will tell, I suppose. As for goals, I've been thinking about that too and I find that I have a hard time setting goals because I get angry with myself for not meeting them. But I suppose it doesn't hurt to set a few.

1. Get the house in order

This covers a variety of things, from finally organizing and putting finishing touches on rooms we've barely paid attention to since we moved in, to building a deck off the back of the house, to getting the garage re-organized. In general, although I know that a house is never "done", I want it to feel more done than it does right now.

2. Get myself in order

I don't think I'll go into too much detail about this, but I'll just say that sometimes I'm a real mess and I need to take care of not being a real mess. Plus, I need to do some hard thinking about some things and come to some decisions about myself. Mostly, I need to get my head out of my ass.

3. Branch out

I often find that I stick with things that feel safe, easy, low risk. I don't go out and meet new people often. I don't tend to do anything that's not done as a "couple" where Jason and I both attend. I don't say yes to opportunities or offers a lot of the time, and I don't let myself make mistakes. Heck, I don't even really have any hobbies. So, I think this year I should try to branch out a bit and try some new things.

4. Let Go More, Live More

This ties into the whole "get my shit together" goal, but relates directly to me letting go of things more often instead of letting every little thing get to me like I have a habit of doing sometimes. I need to sort out what matters from what doesn't matter. I'm not going to lie, I'm not optimistic about this goal being reached.

5. Do more theater stuff with THAT

It's been great working with the kids at LHS for all of these years, but sometimes you want more than just hassles and headaches. Sometimes you want some control, and something to work toward that is bigger than yourself. Last summer doing Much Ado was fantastic. Time consuming, yes, but so rewarding. I want more of that. I want to make this into something real, and something sustainable so more people can do theater in the community.

So that's it. My big list of 5 items that seem rather daunting, when I really think about it, but they're goals right? It's ok if I don't make it? It's the journey, not the destination and all that stuff right?

Pity, party of one

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling really down about things, and about myself in particular. I don't know if it's the winter, or the fact that I was in a really dark place this time last year and it's all rearing its ugly head again, or if it's just people being in town and stirring up old, not very pleasant memories for me, but lately I have felt pretty crummy.

There have been some personal life things, nasty arguments where things have been said that are pretty hurtful, and then a lot of things are just carry over from past things. And what's the worst is that every time I start to feel like this, I find myself thinking a lot about how I'm often not the person people choose in relationships. Typically, everyone picks Jason. He's likable, he's friendly, he's intelligent and he's kind. Me? I'm not really any of those things. 99% of the time, I hear "I was pretty sure you were a total bitch when I first met you". I'm guarded. I say what I think. I have high expectations and I don't really give people the option of not meeting them. I come with baggage, I guess, and as a result, people don't inherently like me. It's not new, it's happened my whole life. It just wasn't a problem before because I wasn't standing next to someone who everyone loves, so that by comparison I feel small and insignificant. I often feel like if he is around, I'm just...not. I stop mattering to people. I am an accessory, not a necessity. That's hard to know about yourself. I mean hell, even my "best friend" told me that she only tolerates me so that she can spend time with Jason. Stings, doesn't it? But that's how it is. I go to every school board meeting Jason goes to, but no one ever notices or remembers me, they always credit him with making the time to attend. I do as much work with the drama department as he does, but the kids act like he's the only one there working to help them. I did as much directing work in our show over the summer as he did, but everyone credits him as the director. So where do I fit? At what point do people appreciate me for me instead of something that tags along with Jason like a weight around his neck?

And honestly, I find myself angry at him and resenting him for the fact that everyone picks him over me. It's not his fault, I know that on an intellectual level, but at the same time.....I can't help getting angry because it sucks. Like.....really really sucks. It's pretty lonely, and it puts me into a position where I don't even really want to talk to people about it because I don't want to be accused, as I have been previously, of bringing "too much drama" and I also don't want to complain about things and have people think less of Jason due to what I might say, or think less of me for well....being me. And there's no solution to it anyway. I can't make him less likable. I can't make myself into him. I can't make people like me or enjoy my company. So that leaves me nowhere. But I'm lonely. And I'm sad. And I wish I was missed when I'm not around. And I wish people asked me to do things without Jason sometimes, that way I felt like it wasn't just him they wanted to be around all the time.

And I wish that he wasn't the only one who got apologies when people say hurtful things. I wish they offered me the same courtesies.

Adventures With an Elderly Dog, Part 2

For those of you who are new around here, this is Simon. Simon is old. Like, I'm not talking that whole "Oh, Fido is 9 this year. He's getting old". No. In dog years, Simon is like Moses old. He's a 15 year old lab, and for a breed that tends to crap out around 12, that makes him ancient. Over the past couple of years we've been experiencing life with an elderly pet for the first time. Simon is Jason's first dog, and all of my childhood pets tended to die fairly young due to an uncanny ability to Darwin Award themselves, typically related to an affinity for chasing cars on the 50 mph road in front of our house. We've had friends who have dealt with elderly animals, so we've witnessed their trials and difficulties, but I think that you can never fully know what it's like until you do it yourself. So, Simon is treating us to a variety of experiences with him as he ages. His hearing is gone, his eyesight isn't what it used to be, he has arthritis in his back hips, he barks constantly at nothing because he's lost the ability to run and play so this is his only form of entertainment. It's been an interesting road.

We are still dealing with the pee issue we had a year ago (more info on that here), and now sometimes he poops in his sleep because, hey, why not right? And now, because we're masochists, we've added a puppy into the mix. To be fair, the puppy was meant to be a friend for Sam in the event that Simon is no longer with us, but the puppy seems to have decided Sam is a waste of his time and he wants to play with Simon. Simon does not feel the same way. Right now we're at a point where Simon sleeps like 15 hours or more a day, and the annoying puppy interrupting his glorious napping is not welcome. Now he barks at the puppy. Whenever he sees him. No matter what the puppy is doing. Puppy is lying on the floor chewing a toy, Simon comes in from another room and barks. Puppy is running laps through the house, Simon barks every time he runs through the room Simon's in. It's kind of an ongoing thing. I'm not sure what the barking is supposed to do, because the puppy seems to think that it's a trigger to play, but Simon keeps doing it.

What's interesting is that I think that, while you get that your dog is old and that he's got different needs, it's doing the normal little things that make you realize just how old he is. It's taking a walk and seeing him only make it about half way before he wants to lie down and take a nap, or tossing a treat that would normally have been snapped out of mid-air just to have it land on the floor and get licked up carefully once it's sniffed out. Tonight, my realization came while giving Simon his bath. An event that used to take Jason and I a good 40 minutes to accomplish as one of us pinned him down while the other scrubbed, because he would fight us both off to leap out of the tub and go rub himself on every piece of furniture we owned, was done tonight by just me. Jason lifted him into the tub, but then he went back downstairs and I did the scrubbing. There wasn't a fight anymore. This time he stood there, trying not to slip because his back legs give him trouble, and he was shaking. That's new, because he has never been nervous in the tub. Part of me wondered if he was in there going "It's wet! I ordered a sponge bath! I want to talk to Nurse Nancy! I hate the wet!" because he's confused a lot these days. I stood there, as I scrubbed him and cursed his water resistant lab fur that takes more shampoo than any dog should ever require, and thought about how different he is as an old dog. I thought it was nice not to have to wrestle him into submission just to scrub his chest, but at the same time it was a little sad that he didn't have it in him to fight with me anymore. After a while he seemed to relax a bit and while I wouldn't say he enjoyed having a bath, he got a stupid puppy smile on his face and stood up to shake off and shower me with everything that stupid water resistant fur didn't want to hold onto anymore. I'm pretty sure the showering was intentional.

And just as I was thinking how happy I was to get through the bath without incident, since he hadn't slipped or fallen or hurt a hip, I reached down to drain the water and realized that yes....yes he definitely pooped in the tub. Thanks pal. I love you too.

My Thoughts on Steve Jobs

In the wake of the death of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, the internet has been flooded with messages of mourning and remembrance of the man who revolutionized the world as we know it. Facebook alone was filled with messages of shock and sadness. Much like any public figure, the death caused people to deeply romanticize the life of the man. As a result, I wasn't surprised when the cynics began to show up this afternoon, becoming suddenly annoyed at the amount of attention his death was getting. A friend of mine liked an article called "Steve Jobs Was Not God" on Facebook, and I wondered if the person who wrote the article didn't understand why people were saddened.

I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but the death of Steve Jobs makes me sad not because of the loss his company is taking without his input and creativity, but because of the loss of what he represents. Like so many people out there who are successful and smart and innovative, Steve represented what can happen when you dare to dream. Apple computers started in a garage with a dream, and that's the last real iteration of the American Dream. We've created a world where it is very difficult for people to dream big and see that dream realized, so those who are able to keep striving for the dream and finally achieve that success, they do become idolized. Steve showed that innovative thinking and hard work can pay off in the long run. In a world where people are looking for the quick and easy way to success through things like "The Secret" or self help seminars that tell you if you think about being successful then it'll just happen, we need people like Steve Jobs to show that thinking is just the start of the process, it takes drive and hard work to make it a reality. I respected what he represented. He expected more of himself, and as a result he expected more of those around him and pushed them to work toward a common goal that was bigger than all of them. He never settled for less than the best, and his success reflected those expectations. So now that he is gone, I feel like the world has lost an innovative thinker, and a man who represented the possibility this world holds for all of us if we only dare to dream big enough. With him gone, a small light has gone out, and that is what people are going to miss the most.

He's not the only one in the world who represents these ideals, but he was a shining spot among the crowd, and as time passes and other lights go out, we will feel their losses as well, but this one is new and fresh. This one is going to be felt for a few days or even weeks longer, but for what he gave to the world I think we can afford him a few days. Your iPod would probably appreciate it.