More Little Things?

I think that one of the things I find myself struggling with sometimes is finding the ability to stop and really appreciate the small things on a regular basis.  There will be moments when I am struck by something so simple, yet so overwhelming that I stop and say "Now this is beautiful".  Sometimes a late summer evening will be just exactly right, the right temperature, the right smell in the air, the sky just the right color and I will stop in that moment and really appreciate what I am seeing, but those moments don't happen often.  I find it difficult to stop and appreciate the small things in every day life.  Maybe it's because a lot of the time my life is going in a million directions at once, so I fail to slow down and pay attention to some of the remarkable things that are probably happening on a daily basis.  It could also be that I get so wrapped up in what has gone wrong on any given day that I forget to recognize the things that have gone right.  I just think about what I didn't accomplish, or what I didn't do as well as I would have liked.  Sometimes I can be very single minded, and very task oriented.  I always think "I can't do this until after I finish this..." and sometimes that makes me a really annoying person to be around.  It makes spontaneity a bit difficult, and if I'm interrupted in a task, or I have a timeline to follow that gets thrown off, all I can think about is what I should be doing.  That may mean that even if I'm interrupted by something fun, I can't actually let myself have fun because I keep thinking about the list I had in my head.

On one hand, this makes me super efficient in tasks.  I can scrub a bathroom top to bottom in 30 minutes, including the tub, so when we have company over it's really nice to be that efficient.  But, most of the time, it just means that I'm not paying attention to anything but my tasks.  I sometimes read blogs by people who find comfort and beauty in little mundane every day stuff.  People who actually appreciate the feel of bread dough as they knead it, or see all of the moments in a day that are filled with beauty.  They see wool socks and it's they're not just utilitarian items for keeping feet warm, they're something lovely and to be appreciated.  It's not like I'm not grateful for anything, it's just that I don't stop and see the loveliness and beauty in every day stuff.  I don't stop and smell the roses, so to speak.  Socks are socks.  They keep your feet warm.  I guess what I'm saying is that I need to figure out a way to see a sock as more than just a sock, without over romanticizing the whole thing.  I need to find more joy in the small things.

Things That Make Me Happy Today

1. Tea
2. Warm Scarves
3. Baking
4. The idea of Spring
5. Hot showers
6. Freshly cleaned bathroom
7. The smell of freshly washed sheets
8. Ronan's pouty face
9. A house full of laughter
10. Fancy grilled cheeses

All the Rusted Edges

 

I often find that when there are big questions, or big conversations to be had in live, the Green brothers seem to hit the nail on the head every time.  Last week I was watching this video that Hank posted about friendship and making friends.  He had a comment about how friendship is about seeing past that pretty and clean front we put up for everyone, and taking a look at the rusted edges of people and liking them anyway.  I think he has a good point.  It's easy to like someone on a superficial level, and I think that's probably why a lot of people never progress past that superficial, fun person face with those around them.  It takes a lot of courage to show those rusted edges and I think there's a certain amount of fear associated with being that open with another individual. I think it's a two way street though.  I think if a person is brave enough to show all of those rusted edges to another person, the other person has a certain amount of responsibility to respect that bravery and also to not add to the rust, regardless of whether they decide they still like that person or not.

We're all a tempest under the surface, at some level.  We're all fighting our own mighty battles, and some may be larger than others, but for each person I'm sure it feels large no matter what.  I agree with Hank that being able to see those rusted edges and still like that other person is a rare quality.  It's hard to see a person with all of their flaws exposed and still say "It's ok, I like who you really are anyway".  I think that because we have such a hard time accepting people who are not like us, or who have problems that we can't relate to, or people who struggle to fix the problems they have, we find it easier to try to change them.  The problem with that is that sometimes they don't need changed, and even if they do it's not the job of an external individual to force that change on someone else.  People are fragile creatures, and no one wants to be molded into what someone else thinks they should be.  I think support and love go a lot further in helping someone than just telling them that they're a big mess.  I think deep down, everyone knows they're a big mess.  They don't need their flaws reflected and magnified for them, they just need someone to say "Yeah, you have a battle to fight.  Let me pick up a sword and help you out".  And each person accepts help differently, and needs different kinds of help.  It's a very tricky thing to help someone who is struggling.  It's very easy to make them feel broken, insignificant, ridiculed, and weak.  I think the good friend is the one who says "This is a rough patch.  You'll get through it, and when you do you'll still be you on the other side, just a happier you". 

Plus, it's entirely possible that you see the rusted edges and decide that you don't really like or care about a person as much as you thought you did.  It's fine to realize that some people aren't good for each other as friends.  It's not ok to turn it into the fault of any one individual involved.  If someone was brave enough to show you their flaws, it's not ok to blame them for being too messed up and saying that's why your friendship died.  It's not ok to add to the rust.  Just be realistic and say that you're not compatible, because it's a big world and not everyone is going to get along all the time.  It just doesn't seem right to me that anyone should be so cruel as to take someone they've seen as broken and break them even more.

I think I've just been rolling this subject over in my mind since I watched the video last week.  I just keep thinking about how humans are pretty awful to each other most of the time.  On the whole, humanity can be really terrible to itself, and people in this world all seem to think themselves superior to something or someone else.  We have this need to feel like we're better than this or that or whatever.  I just think that maybe we're not all compatible.  Maybe we're not all meant to get along and be completely happy and content with each other individual on this planet, but I think we could be a little kinder to everyone.  I think we could all stand to be better friends, and as a result, we might all be able to be better as a human race.  I don't know why we feel the need to make something else hurt so that we can feel superior.  I don't know anyone who isn't guilty of this, and it makes me sad.  Maybe I'm idealistic and maybe I'm completely stupid, but it just seems if we could at least start by not adding to the rust in each other, maybe we'll stop rusting.

Cracked

Sometimes I feel like I'm that glass there, second from the left, full of cracks and on the verge of falling apart.  I know this blog basically goes into the realm of me whining about my life and myself all the time, but on some level a blog is just a bunch of narcissistic bullshit where we talk about ourselves and pretend the world gives a damn.  I'd talk about other things if I had other things to talk about, but the truth is that I don't.  I'm most of the time just sitting around thinking about what is wrong with me and why I screw up at pretty much everything I do all the time.  That fucking codependency article has me basically feeling like I'm the root cause of every problem in every situation that I'm ever faced with, and that's a shitty feeling to have.  I thought I had sort of moved past that, but I guess I haven't.  I wrote this big "I am not worthless" bullshit post at the New Year, and I believed it in the moment I was writing it but now, maybe not so much.  Of course, if I go back to that article, this is just me suffering from a bit of reactivity, dysfunctional communication and some painful emotions.  Super.  I can now name and isolate all of the bullshit that I feel, not that it helps to fix it.  I mean hey, I could join a 12 step program as the article recommended but that's fucking humiliating and painful and I don't want to let anyone else into my circle of being completely fucked up in the head.  I'd prefer to keep that to myself, thanks.  I mean, I guess that's wrong since I'm typing all of this into a public blog, but I don't need to go into the how or why I am the way I am with a bunch of bullshit people.  I don't even want to go into that with people who are close to me.  Guess that's just me displaying my trouble with intimacy and denial.

I had a conversation last night that I didn't enjoy having.  Not to say it shouldn't have happened, I just didn't like it.  I have a hard time making decisions.  Not every decision.  I can totally decide whether I want to take the highway or back roads to work or whatever.  I just can't make decisions when other people are involved in my decision making process.  I always try to do what's right for everyone else (see People Pleasing, fuck me) and if I do make the decision I constantly worry that it's the wrong one and that someone will be left unhappy.  The problem is that a while back I made a decision.  A really difficult decision that I agonized over for years.  I made a decision and when it was done I actually felt good for the first time in a long time.  I made a choice, and I took a stand for my own well being, which is something I absolutely never do.  I never say "No, this isn't ok, and there are consequences".  I usually just believe everything everyone says about me, I swallow it and allow myself to just accept that I'm a wreck and everyone else is right.  For once I said "No more".  I haven't questioned that decision in months.  Now I do.  Now I feel like I'm somehow harming other people by standing up for myself.  I'm starting to think that I'm supposed to just put on the happy face and say "Oh I'm so sorry, I'll fix it" even though I don't want to fix it, and it's not really in my hands to fix.  Now I just regret making any decision at all.

I'm not sure which is worse, being the doormat for everyone to walk on and trying to make sure everyone is happy, or standing up for myself and having to feel like it was the wrong choice.  I've been told I need to stand up for myself more, but each time I have there have been negative consequences that make me think it's more trouble than it's worth.  Do I fix all of my apparently horrible problems with codependency, or just let it go because when I try to go against my instincts I tend to suffer more than when I just shut my fucking mouth and let people do what they want?  Which is going to damage my relationships more?  Either way I'll probably just be seen as over dramatic in one way or another so what difference does it make?  And sometimes people need help to change, which I don't really think I will ever have, so I don't see the point.  It mostly makes me just want to cut off from everything, lock myself in a closet, and live my life away scratching the walls like Howard Hughes.

Ronan can come.  He doesn't care if I'm a wreck.

Lyrical

I'd like to thank The Fray for summing up my feelings.

"Over My Head (Cable Car)"

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your ...

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and it's effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Well Jeeze...

Hello textbook version of me.  How depressing.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

All the strings attached

Whenever I hear friends talking about going on business trips, or having to be out of town for a week, I find myself wondering if I'm somehow horribly co-dependent.  I don't like traveling for work.  I do it, because the job requires it, but I don't like it.  As soon as I have to travel without Jason, I find myself suddenly afraid that something horrible is going to happen while I'm gone.  He's going to get in a car crash, I'm going to be involved in some sort of plane crash, a pet is going to die.  Something.  I don't like traveling away from my family.  I was 1,400 miles away from home when my grandma died, so my entire family was together and they got to say goodbye to her.  I wasn't able to get home, and I never got that opportunity.  My sister's best friend was there, but I wasn't.  I keep waiting for that to be something I get over or move past, but the bottom line is that I am still sad about it, and I still hate that I wasn't there.  I still carry around the plane ticket from the flight I took to try to get home when my parents called me and told me what was going on.  It doesn't go away.  And now, I just find myself afraid to be away from people I care about for too long.  Usually, if I can at least have Jason with me, I'm ok.  If something horrible happens with someone in my family, he'll handle it.  He'll make sure that everything that needs to get done actually gets done.  He handled everything when my grandma died.  At least I'm not alone if something bad happens.

I'm not sure if that means that I have severe codependency issues, or if it just means I'm attached to those I care about.  Mostly, I think that I hate being alone.  Not like, I have to be romantically involved with someone alone, but I really hate being by myself, in a hotel room, eating sad takeout by myself.  I think that when I had to live in Ohio for 3 months, working the sad hell job, I realized that I don't do well without any friends or enjoyable social contact over extended periods of time.  Maybe it's a serious flaw of mine.  Maybe it's why I get upset when people leave my life.  I have no idea what will happen to them after, and usually I feel like if I've tried to maintain a friendship, I don't want to be out of contact for a really long time.  I used to think that I was pretty low maintenance, but now I wonder if I actually am, or if it's just a very wrong perception I had of myself.