Monday, March 30, 2009

A New Reason To Avoid Florida

Jason and I find ourselves in an ever-constant quest lately to figure out where we would be willing to live if we were to have to move out of state for jobs. We've nixed most of the South because we're crazy liberals and don't really want to hang around the Bible Belt too much. We've also decided against Arizona and New Mexico because neither of us speaks Spanish, neither of us thinks 106 degree weather sounds appealing, and neither of us are really in love with the idea of having to shake our shoes out every morning to make sure there are no scorpions inside. No thanks. We also said no to Florida. When I tell people this, I often get "WHY? It's so nice down there!". Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Florida as much as the next person, but for visiting, not for living there. It's fine for a vacation spot, and it houses Disney World which everyone knows I love, but it's not somewhere I want to live. Again, people always say "But WHY?". Ok, here's why:
1. Hurricanes
2. No winter, so bugs grow to be the size of Buicks.
3. Hurricanes
4. 'Gators

And now we can add a new item to that list. #5 is now BURMESE PYTHONS!! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!

Apparently, during the last hurricane season, a pet shop was blown over and some of the reptiles escaped. Well now they have been breeding at an alarming rate and Florida is now overrun with 30,000 Burmese Pythons. I would post a picture, but I'm HORRIBLY afraid of snakes. No joke. To the point where I can't look at the most recent Buns Eye View post because it's all about how Buns had an encounter with a snake, complete with Buns Eye Pictures. *Side note: Amy, if you're reading this, I'd have FREAKED OUT if Jason brought a snake into the house for the cats to play with. You are a stronger woman than I.* I have an irrational fear of snakes, and in case you were wondering, Burmese Pythons aren't the small Garter Snake variety. They're the giant squeeze you to death and can eat an entire full sized deer variety. WHAT?! HOLY F*CKING ASS CRACKERS! It's making my skin crawl just thinking about it. I can't even handle pictures of snakes, or snakes in the pet store behind glass (they can break out, they're just lulling you into a false sense of security, I know it) let alone walking out of my hotel room to see an 18 foot (yes, they grow to 18 feet long) 200 lb snake slithering across the lawn to scarf the poor bunny who is just minding his own business. *shudder* And these bitches travel like a mile and a half a day sometimes, which means they're going to get bored with munching on all of the Poodles in the retirement communities and start moving North. They like warm weather, which means pretty much anywhere up to Tennessee is their happy playground, and all the way up the coast into Southern Virginia. Yet another reason to rule out the South thankyouverymuch.

And I want to know how the state of Florida plans to round up 30,000 pythons, which they're trying to do, and what the hell they plan to do with them when they do catch some. I guess they've been picking up pythons found in people's yards etc. for a few weeks now, but 30,000? What the hell are they going to do with 30,000 snakes? Make an Indiana Jones movie?



Bobby G said...

LOL! WOW quite a fear ya got there! The good news is that alligators eat snakes! Maybe the problem will take care of its self!

Bobbie Leigh said...

Move to Mars- that would be cool. And no pythons either.