As part of my goals for the New Year, I said I needed to get myself in order. Part of that involves coming to terms with some realities that I've been avoiding for a while, and part of it involves letting some people go. I have this history of having really great friends, and investing a lot in those friends, and then having those friends decide that A) They just don't like me anymore, B) They never REALLY liked me to begin with, or C) They simply can't be bothered to maintain the friendship. These are all things that sort of sting, especially when a lot has been invested in the relationship. I don't trust people easily. I actually have a really hard time letting people in, and very few people get to see the raw and vulnerable side of me. It's really hard for me to let people in enough that they get to see all of it, the good and the bad. There are probably only a handful of people who have been let into that part of my life. Perhaps five people ever, outside of my immediate family. So, when someone who actually gets to see that part of my life sort of betrays that trust or throws it in my face, it becomes something that is almost unforgivable. I put a lot of faith and trust in my close friends, and in some ways I depend on them for a lot of support, and when that turns to betrayal, I can't reconcile it. I can't just say "Ok, we'll get past that". Words hold a lot more hurt for me than physical abuse ever could. Words cut me to the core. When someone says they were only in it to be friends with Jason, that sticks. When someone says that my life, the life that I worked up a lot of courage to share with them, is "too much drama", that doesn't go away. When someone takes me for granted, it hurts. And it makes me realize that the reality that I have been avoiding is that what I thought of as a very trusted and valued friendship simply wasn't that at all. It wasn't anything. It was a show, a shell of something to suit the motives of the other person. It wasn't real.
That's hard to swallow, especially for me. It's hard to reconcile it in my mind, that I wasted so much time, and so much of myself on someone who possibly never deserved it to begin with. I have struggled with this for years, seriously struggled, and I've even avoided the acceptance for a long time. I kept sitting around hoping things would change, or hoping for apologies that would never come, or effort that would never be made. I spent a lot of time angry, and a lot of time wanting some sort of end to it all, be it reconciliation or closure. The reality is that I will likely never get either. I'm in a situation where even if I remove myself, Jason will never be removed from this person, and every time I see them or they visit it's like ripping off a scab that had just started to heal over and the pain and frustration is raw and fresh again, like it's brand new. I have spent a long time trying to figure out what to do, or how to make things different, but I can't change the past and if the other person doesn't want to change the future, then there's nothing I can do but accept it. I've heard promises of change or of making an effort, but every promise is met with absolutely no action to back it up. I'm tired. I'm split open and and I'm angry, and I need the scab to actually heal over. I need to be done with it, because it's simply too much to keep doing this to myself. The only one who keeps getting hurt by this is me, and I need to put a stop to it before I have nothing left. So, I took the step and I cut the tie as best I could from myself and I'm hoping that from here I can start to move away from all of this. I can let the scab heal over. I can focus on those few others who I have opened up to and I can make better choices in the future as to who else I let into that very small circle. Sometimes the only thing to do with a damaged bridge is burn it.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
So what I'm starting to realize lately is that I might, just possibly, be a crappy communicator. This is a bit disheartening since well....it was my minor in college. But, sometimes I find that I get annoyed with people, or I get pissed off about something and I don't really do a very good job of telling people why I'm bothered. Sometimes, I rather stupidly expect other people to figure out why I'm angry. Other times I think I've been perfectly clear just to discover, amid a giant argument, that I have not been clear at all. That's not good. So, maybe this year I need to add "communicate better" to that list of goals.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Every time we ring in the New Year, everyone starts talking about goals and resolutions. This year seems different though. It seems like people who don't usually talk about changing their lives or about setting goals are now setting goals and making changes. It makes me think back on 2011 and wonder what it was about that year that has pushed people to start making these new resolutions. Personally, 2011 had its ups and downs in my life. 2010 ended as the darkest period I can remember in my adult life, so it felt like 2011 had to be better just by default, and in a lot of ways it was. I moved on to a new job I really enjoy, which was a huge relief after the way my previous year ended with respect to jobs. It also meant I left my beloved Borders after a very short return to the corporate offices. I didn't know it would be the last time I would set foot inside those walls, and I was horribly saddened to watch as they liquidated. Jason and I had some stress regarding his job situation, since he was left unemployed after his long term subbing ended in June, and then there was more stress because the temp job he accepted was not something he enjoyed, and when they took him on full time, he was really frustrated and has been unhappy in his work life ever since. So, that's been crummy. Though, the low points have been balanced by high points, like going to Europe, gaining a new nephew, and spending a lot of time with friends and family throughout the year. So it hasn't been all bad.
All in all, I kind of expect 2012 to be about the same. I know that people think this is going to be a good year, a better year, a great year. I don't know what it will be, myself, but I expect it to have its ups and downs just like everything else. I do, however, think that there's a chance there will be more ups than downs. I'm not sure why, but it just feels that way at the moment. Time will tell, I suppose. As for goals, I've been thinking about that too and I find that I have a hard time setting goals because I get angry with myself for not meeting them. But I suppose it doesn't hurt to set a few.
1. Get the house in order
This covers a variety of things, from finally organizing and putting finishing touches on rooms we've barely paid attention to since we moved in, to building a deck off the back of the house, to getting the garage re-organized. In general, although I know that a house is never "done", I want it to feel more done than it does right now.
2. Get myself in order
I don't think I'll go into too much detail about this, but I'll just say that sometimes I'm a real mess and I need to take care of not being a real mess. Plus, I need to do some hard thinking about some things and come to some decisions about myself. Mostly, I need to get my head out of my ass.
3. Branch out
I often find that I stick with things that feel safe, easy, low risk. I don't go out and meet new people often. I don't tend to do anything that's not done as a "couple" where Jason and I both attend. I don't say yes to opportunities or offers a lot of the time, and I don't let myself make mistakes. Heck, I don't even really have any hobbies. So, I think this year I should try to branch out a bit and try some new things.
4. Let Go More, Live More
This ties into the whole "get my shit together" goal, but relates directly to me letting go of things more often instead of letting every little thing get to me like I have a habit of doing sometimes. I need to sort out what matters from what doesn't matter. I'm not going to lie, I'm not optimistic about this goal being reached.
5. Do more theater stuff with THAT
It's been great working with the kids at LHS for all of these years, but sometimes you want more than just hassles and headaches. Sometimes you want some control, and something to work toward that is bigger than yourself. Last summer doing Much Ado was fantastic. Time consuming, yes, but so rewarding. I want more of that. I want to make this into something real, and something sustainable so more people can do theater in the community.
So that's it. My big list of 5 items that seem rather daunting, when I really think about it, but they're goals right? It's ok if I don't make it? It's the journey, not the destination and all that stuff right?