Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Some Things Come to an End

As part of my goals for the New Year, I said I needed to get myself in order. Part of that involves coming to terms with some realities that I've been avoiding for a while, and part of it involves letting some people go. I have this history of having really great friends, and investing a lot in those friends, and then having those friends decide that A) They just don't like me anymore, B) They never REALLY liked me to begin with, or C) They simply can't be bothered to maintain the friendship. These are all things that sort of sting, especially when a lot has been invested in the relationship. I don't trust people easily. I actually have a really hard time letting people in, and very few people get to see the raw and vulnerable side of me. It's really hard for me to let people in enough that they get to see all of it, the good and the bad. There are probably only a handful of people who have been let into that part of my life. Perhaps five people ever, outside of my immediate family. So, when someone who actually gets to see that part of my life sort of betrays that trust or throws it in my face, it becomes something that is almost unforgivable. I put a lot of faith and trust in my close friends, and in some ways I depend on them for a lot of support, and when that turns to betrayal, I can't reconcile it. I can't just say "Ok, we'll get past that". Words hold a lot more hurt for me than physical abuse ever could. Words cut me to the core. When someone says they were only in it to be friends with Jason, that sticks. When someone says that my life, the life that I worked up a lot of courage to share with them, is "too much drama", that doesn't go away. When someone takes me for granted, it hurts. And it makes me realize that the reality that I have been avoiding is that what I thought of as a very trusted and valued friendship simply wasn't that at all. It wasn't anything. It was a show, a shell of something to suit the motives of the other person. It wasn't real.

That's hard to swallow, especially for me. It's hard to reconcile it in my mind, that I wasted so much time, and so much of myself on someone who possibly never deserved it to begin with. I have struggled with this for years, seriously struggled, and I've even avoided the acceptance for a long time. I kept sitting around hoping things would change, or hoping for apologies that would never come, or effort that would never be made. I spent a lot of time angry, and a lot of time wanting some sort of end to it all, be it reconciliation or closure. The reality is that I will likely never get either. I'm in a situation where even if I remove myself, Jason will never be removed from this person, and every time I see them or they visit it's like ripping off a scab that had just started to heal over and the pain and frustration is raw and fresh again, like it's brand new. I have spent a long time trying to figure out what to do, or how to make things different, but I can't change the past and if the other person doesn't want to change the future, then there's nothing I can do but accept it. I've heard promises of change or of making an effort, but every promise is met with absolutely no action to back it up. I'm tired. I'm split open and and I'm angry, and I need the scab to actually heal over. I need to be done with it, because it's simply too much to keep doing this to myself. The only one who keeps getting hurt by this is me, and I need to put a stop to it before I have nothing left. So, I took the step and I cut the tie as best I could from myself and I'm hoping that from here I can start to move away from all of this. I can let the scab heal over. I can focus on those few others who I have opened up to and I can make better choices in the future as to who else I let into that very small circle. Sometimes the only thing to do with a damaged bridge is burn it.


Michael McVey said...

I'm not sure how I came to add your blog to my aggregator but perhaps your post today is the reason why - without changing many words at all I could have written the same thing a few years ago.

It does get better. The scab does heal over completely. And, yes, sometimes you need to do something about it. Good for you.

Becky said...

Hi Michael. I was actually a student of yours at EMU, I took your class on technology in the classroom. I think at some point, while I was in the class or shortly after, we added each other to subscribed blogs.