Sometimes I wonder if I believe in Karma. Mostly, I have a hard time with it because I really want to believe that if you put enough good out into the world, you will receive good in return, but if you look at the big picture that is never what seems to happen. I think the question we have to ask is who out there is deciding that something is "good" and once they do, how much good is "enough"? It's a hard question to answer. I know that this blog ventures into the realm of whining most of the time, but I find myself often asking "When the hell will I get a break?" If I believed in Karma, I'd just sit and wait for the universe to give some of that "good" back to me, but the problem with that is that waiting really really sucks. Plus, you never know when that return is going to happen, or if what you thought was "good" really wasn't good to the universe and therefore I've been thinking I'm building up all of this good karma for myself when in fact all I've been doing is a lot of "good deeds" that don't truly amount to much. See the dilemma? Karma, if it exists, is a real bitch.
None of this is to say that doing those good deeds is somehow being done with the intention of getting a payoff later. I'm just saying that if the universe wanted to slip me a bone, I wouldn't say no. I like to think that all of the volunteer work, and opening my home to wayward souls, and giving people a sense of family that they may not otherwise have is all good karma building stuff, but the truth of the matter is that I simply don't know what it is, other than good deeds. I do it because I like to. I am the constant fixer, I have to fix everyone and make everyone happy, and if I can't then I sort of start to feel like I have no worth. So maybe that's my karma? Feeling like I am worth something. I don't know. All I know is that as of late I've felt a whole lot like I've been getting kicked in the teeth by the universe, and I wouldn't mind getting some payback on that good karma sometime soon.
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