Monday, January 6, 2014

It's a New Year

It's a new year again.  Those seem to keep rolling around and finding their way to us.  In the past, I've been all "Let's make some resolutions" or something, and I realized that all resolutions do is make me feel like some sort of lame-o when I don't accomplish them.  I also sometimes set unattainable goals for myself, so...there's that.  I don't know what I want or expect in this new year, but I know that if I keep my expectations low, I'm not likely to find myself disappointed.  I feel like I might say this a lot, but the last few years have been rough.  There's been a lot of emotional turmoil in the Berry household.  We've lost connection to something we both dearly loved working on, and in the attempt to try filling that void with something we both thought was equally rewarding, we've come up short.  In fact, we've come up with a lot of nothing.  Last year we saw lasing ripples from our break with the school, and they seem to keep cascading out and touching our lives in some way or another, no matter how hard we have tried to put it all behind us.  Even now, two years later, it still stings.

We've been working with our own theater company, but that is proving difficult due to lack of help, lack of money, and lack of dedication from members.  It's sad, and I don't know how to fix it, but I know that we can't keep the train moving all by ourselves.  That's just the reality of the situation.  But helping hands don't appear, so we're left floating alone.  I hope that improves, but I'm not really so sure it will.

Mostly I look back on 2013 with a lot of sadness.  Friends went through really hard times that I wish I could have helped them with more than I was able.  Family connections in some cases became more strained, more brittle, more prone to cracks.  Even friendships became that way with some people.  Life as a parent to a college freshman started, and I can't help feeling that I've failed over and over in so many ways when it comes to that piece of my life.  I'm sure there are always struggles, but this year I've been faced with a lot of exasperation and a lot of questioning why I talk when no one listens.  It's been hard.  It's easy to want to give up.

I think, overall, 2013 has felt like the year of not enough.  Not enough time.  Not enough help.  Not enough love.  Not enough cooperation.  Not enough kindness.  Not enough honesty.  Not enough forgiveness.  Just...not enough.  And this isn't isolated to myself.  That illness of "not enough" runs rampant through my friends, my family, my peers.  It seems like everyone needed more of something last year, and it kept dancing out of their reach.

For some reason I feel like this year might be a year of change.  I don't know why.  I just feel like after two years of hard times, something has to get better, right?  Maybe the theater company will suddenly get the help it has desperately needed.  Maybe Jason will get a new job.  Maybe friends who are struggling will find their way to an easier path.  Maybe some positives will start cropping up in abundance for people who so desperately need them.  I hope that happens.  I am grateful for all of the positives that did come out of last year, but this year I hope they aren't so hard earned.  I hope that happiness finds its way to the people in my life, and that it spreads through them like wildfire.

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.....

1 comment:

kaceyk said...

I hope this will be a good year of change for you guys, sorry last year was so down :( It's good to have a New Year to look forward to with hope.