Sunday, January 27, 2013

All the strings attached

Whenever I hear friends talking about going on business trips, or having to be out of town for a week, I find myself wondering if I'm somehow horribly co-dependent.  I don't like traveling for work.  I do it, because the job requires it, but I don't like it.  As soon as I have to travel without Jason, I find myself suddenly afraid that something horrible is going to happen while I'm gone.  He's going to get in a car crash, I'm going to be involved in some sort of plane crash, a pet is going to die.  Something.  I don't like traveling away from my family.  I was 1,400 miles away from home when my grandma died, so my entire family was together and they got to say goodbye to her.  I wasn't able to get home, and I never got that opportunity.  My sister's best friend was there, but I wasn't.  I keep waiting for that to be something I get over or move past, but the bottom line is that I am still sad about it, and I still hate that I wasn't there.  I still carry around the plane ticket from the flight I took to try to get home when my parents called me and told me what was going on.  It doesn't go away.  And now, I just find myself afraid to be away from people I care about for too long.  Usually, if I can at least have Jason with me, I'm ok.  If something horrible happens with someone in my family, he'll handle it.  He'll make sure that everything that needs to get done actually gets done.  He handled everything when my grandma died.  At least I'm not alone if something bad happens.

I'm not sure if that means that I have severe codependency issues, or if it just means I'm attached to those I care about.  Mostly, I think that I hate being alone.  Not like, I have to be romantically involved with someone alone, but I really hate being by myself, in a hotel room, eating sad takeout by myself.  I think that when I had to live in Ohio for 3 months, working the sad hell job, I realized that I don't do well without any friends or enjoyable social contact over extended periods of time.  Maybe it's a serious flaw of mine.  Maybe it's why I get upset when people leave my life.  I have no idea what will happen to them after, and usually I feel like if I've tried to maintain a friendship, I don't want to be out of contact for a really long time.  I used to think that I was pretty low maintenance, but now I wonder if I actually am, or if it's just a very wrong perception I had of myself.

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