Cracked

Sometimes I feel like I'm that glass there, second from the left, full of cracks and on the verge of falling apart.  I know this blog basically goes into the realm of me whining about my life and myself all the time, but on some level a blog is just a bunch of narcissistic bullshit where we talk about ourselves and pretend the world gives a damn.  I'd talk about other things if I had other things to talk about, but the truth is that I don't.  I'm most of the time just sitting around thinking about what is wrong with me and why I screw up at pretty much everything I do all the time.  That fucking codependency article has me basically feeling like I'm the root cause of every problem in every situation that I'm ever faced with, and that's a shitty feeling to have.  I thought I had sort of moved past that, but I guess I haven't.  I wrote this big "I am not worthless" bullshit post at the New Year, and I believed it in the moment I was writing it but now, maybe not so much.  Of course, if I go back to that article, this is just me suffering from a bit of reactivity, dysfunctional communication and some painful emotions.  Super.  I can now name and isolate all of the bullshit that I feel, not that it helps to fix it.  I mean hey, I could join a 12 step program as the article recommended but that's fucking humiliating and painful and I don't want to let anyone else into my circle of being completely fucked up in the head.  I'd prefer to keep that to myself, thanks.  I mean, I guess that's wrong since I'm typing all of this into a public blog, but I don't need to go into the how or why I am the way I am with a bunch of bullshit people.  I don't even want to go into that with people who are close to me.  Guess that's just me displaying my trouble with intimacy and denial.

I had a conversation last night that I didn't enjoy having.  Not to say it shouldn't have happened, I just didn't like it.  I have a hard time making decisions.  Not every decision.  I can totally decide whether I want to take the highway or back roads to work or whatever.  I just can't make decisions when other people are involved in my decision making process.  I always try to do what's right for everyone else (see People Pleasing, fuck me) and if I do make the decision I constantly worry that it's the wrong one and that someone will be left unhappy.  The problem is that a while back I made a decision.  A really difficult decision that I agonized over for years.  I made a decision and when it was done I actually felt good for the first time in a long time.  I made a choice, and I took a stand for my own well being, which is something I absolutely never do.  I never say "No, this isn't ok, and there are consequences".  I usually just believe everything everyone says about me, I swallow it and allow myself to just accept that I'm a wreck and everyone else is right.  For once I said "No more".  I haven't questioned that decision in months.  Now I do.  Now I feel like I'm somehow harming other people by standing up for myself.  I'm starting to think that I'm supposed to just put on the happy face and say "Oh I'm so sorry, I'll fix it" even though I don't want to fix it, and it's not really in my hands to fix.  Now I just regret making any decision at all.

I'm not sure which is worse, being the doormat for everyone to walk on and trying to make sure everyone is happy, or standing up for myself and having to feel like it was the wrong choice.  I've been told I need to stand up for myself more, but each time I have there have been negative consequences that make me think it's more trouble than it's worth.  Do I fix all of my apparently horrible problems with codependency, or just let it go because when I try to go against my instincts I tend to suffer more than when I just shut my fucking mouth and let people do what they want?  Which is going to damage my relationships more?  Either way I'll probably just be seen as over dramatic in one way or another so what difference does it make?  And sometimes people need help to change, which I don't really think I will ever have, so I don't see the point.  It mostly makes me just want to cut off from everything, lock myself in a closet, and live my life away scratching the walls like Howard Hughes.

Ronan can come.  He doesn't care if I'm a wreck.