Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I had a conversation last night that I didn't enjoy having. Not to say it shouldn't have happened, I just didn't like it. I have a hard time making decisions. Not every decision. I can totally decide whether I want to take the highway or back roads to work or whatever. I just can't make decisions when other people are involved in my decision making process. I always try to do what's right for everyone else (see People Pleasing, fuck me) and if I do make the decision I constantly worry that it's the wrong one and that someone will be left unhappy. The problem is that a while back I made a decision. A really difficult decision that I agonized over for years. I made a decision and when it was done I actually felt good for the first time in a long time. I made a choice, and I took a stand for my own well being, which is something I absolutely never do. I never say "No, this isn't ok, and there are consequences". I usually just believe everything everyone says about me, I swallow it and allow myself to just accept that I'm a wreck and everyone else is right. For once I said "No more". I haven't questioned that decision in months. Now I do. Now I feel like I'm somehow harming other people by standing up for myself. I'm starting to think that I'm supposed to just put on the happy face and say "Oh I'm so sorry, I'll fix it" even though I don't want to fix it, and it's not really in my hands to fix. Now I just regret making any decision at all.
I'm not sure which is worse, being the doormat for everyone to walk on and trying to make sure everyone is happy, or standing up for myself and having to feel like it was the wrong choice. I've been told I need to stand up for myself more, but each time I have there have been negative consequences that make me think it's more trouble than it's worth. Do I fix all of my apparently horrible problems with codependency, or just let it go because when I try to go against my instincts I tend to suffer more than when I just shut my fucking mouth and let people do what they want? Which is going to damage my relationships more? Either way I'll probably just be seen as over dramatic in one way or another so what difference does it make? And sometimes people need help to change, which I don't really think I will ever have, so I don't see the point. It mostly makes me just want to cut off from everything, lock myself in a closet, and live my life away scratching the walls like Howard Hughes.
Ronan can come. He doesn't care if I'm a wreck.