This might be one of those rare posts that make readers go "OMG Becky shut up!" but I'm writing it anyway. I finished the very last class of my undergrad work at 9:00 p.m. Monday night. YAY! I still have my student teaching before I can graduate, but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. Here's my problem, I'm doing this at age 27. Yeah. A little late don't ya think? I do. I am fully aware that some challenges in my life, and a huge case of the "what do I do with my life?!" bug have contributed to this, but it just seems like I've wasted YEARS. All of my high school classmates are doctors, or lawyers, or successful nurses, teachers etc. and they're all buying houses and having kids and I'm sitting here going "Yeah, that's at least another 2 to 3 years off..." and it's making me feel kind of crappy. I've got some immensely talented friends who are seeing their artistic careers really take off and they're talking about being flown to Martha's Vinyard by music producers, or having their work professionally recorded and I sit here thinking "Yeah.....I placed some orders today". You can see where that might be less exciting.
I just feel like I've wasted my 20's by being indecisive and not having the opportunities that some other people had. It's no one's fault, it's just how things are. But it sucks. I've never been West of the Mississippi, I've never been out of the country except for Canada, which I firmly believe does not count, I've never seen the Grand Canyon, I've never watched the sun rise over the desert, I've never gone snorkling in the ocean, I've never taken a cruise, I've never been to Bermuda. These are things that most people do when they're young in their 20's and have the time and opportunity to do, but I haven't. I hold myself back a lot. Hell, I've never been drunk because I'm such a control freak. I stop at 2 glasses of wine, or one margarita. I never went out for my 21st birthday with friends. I didn't have a bachelorette party. Both of those are actually because no one actually planned anything for me, which I find annoying, but that's another topic for another blog. The rest of it is because I just stop myself from having fun, because I'm afraid that if I let go and have a little less control for a while, people will think less of me. I spend a LOT of time trying to be what other people expect me to be, or think I should be, or what I think I should be myself. *sigh* I'm not the fun friend, I'm the downer. Now I feel like it's starting to be career time, and time to settle down and have kids and do the responsible things that people my age do, which is kind of exactly like what I've been doing since I was 18, except for that whole kids part. But that kids part is big, it's a deal breaker for Jason and I want to have kids too, but it's like...when? Seriously. I mean, all of the stuff I want to do can't be done while toting a toddler along with you, and if I wait too long then it becomes one of those "Well, I'll be 70 when the kid graduates high school" situations and I'd like to be alive to see my grandkids. Blah. And I live with my mother-in-law which makes me feel like I'm a huge loser on a daily basis, because I hate having to live there. I feel like a freeloader, and I really really hate that. Plus, I've never lived one day alone with Jason since we got married. It's going on 5 years of living with someone else, and I'm ready to have my own life and my own space. I just feel like I should have accomplished so much more by now, and that I'll have to give some things up to accomplish others, and I hate having to choose.
That's not to say I haven't done anything though, because I have. I mean, I got married in Disney World, which was amazing. I have been all up and down the East Coast and seen most of the historical sites there, I've been swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, and the Gulf of Mexico. I've been swimming with a Dolphin! I've finished a degree without help from anyone. I've worked in several jobs and always gotten promoted. I just haven't done any of those big things that I really wanted to do. And, maybe I will some day. I think it's just that I always find myself wanting more, and being stopped by the limitations of time and money. Does anyone ever stop wanting more? Does anyone ever reach the point in their life where they look around and go "This is enough, this is exactly where I want to be"? Or is it just me who thinks about stuff like this?
Sometimes I just think I need a little bit of change. Maybe that's why I want to paint my house all the time....