Monday, October 13, 2008

Some Days It's Just Not Worth It

So I have about 9 weeks left in my semester, which means I'm hitting the burnout point. Most people don't hit this until later in the year, but most people also aren't taking 5 classes and working 40 hours a week and volunteering at a school for 3 or 4 hours a week. I don't think anyone realizes just how challenging it is to schedule your life like this, and how hard it is to convince yourself to study on Saturday when all you want to do is lay around and watch movies so that your brain can have a rest, or clean your house because you haven't been able to do that for an entire week and everything is covered in pet fur. And this leads to me getting irrationally angry at people who don't have to work full time complaining about having to study or do homework. I just want to be like "Seriously? Bite me" even though I'm sure those people do have a lot of homework and studying to do and it probably is stressful, but my brain can't compute that it's worse than what I'm doing. I'm seriously starting to get exhausted, I've been living off of cereal for over a month and I can't force myself to study because most of the time I just don't care anymore. This does nothing to help my goal of graduating with honors, but I'm just too freaking tired some days.

And it doesn't help that I've got another semester of this in front of me. Another 5 or 6 classes next semester just so I can graduate in the winter. That doesn't really boost my motivation all that much. It just leaves me feeling dejected and angry. Angry at myself for taking so long to get my shit together and decide what I wanted to do with my life, and angry at life circumstances that have made this so hard. I complain about people who bitch that they have to get up at 11:00 to make it to a 12:30 class, but truthfully, at this point in time, I'd kill to be one of those people. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to just focus on school and nothing else. But, that's not going to happen, and I'm going to be left with a mountain of student loan debt to pay off because no one has ever helped me pay for any of my schooling. Not one dime. Everyone keeps telling me that it'll be more rewarding in the end to have done it myself, but I'm tired of hearing that. I'd be happy with less rewarding. I'd be happy with it being the same amount of reward that other people feel when finishing. I don't need it to be more rewarding, I need it to be a little easier. I need it to be less frustrating, and I need it to be done. My entire life is on hold until I'm finished with this stupid process, and I'm tired of waiting to be able to do things. At this rate, we'll probably never have kids, because I'll be 27 on my next birthday, and time is kind of running out for that. But, I'm not even finished with school, so kids are not an option right now. I also can't have kids while living with my mother-in-law, because I would kill her, and that's not ending any time soon either. It's just one thing after another that puts everything on hold. And, from what all of my classes keep saying, I'm going into a profession that basically has become horrible and not worth doing and your job isn't to teach but to make sure kids pass their friggin' standardized tests and nothing else, so it makes me wonder if this is even worth it.

I also wonder why there are urinal covers in the women's rest room at work, but that's another story entirely.


Amy W. said...

This sounds a lot like my last year of school - Working at the Earle, working for EMU advancement communications, taking classes, doing internships, VP of PRSSA...I can't even pretend it didn't suck because it did. Hang in there. It will be worth it, I can at least tell you that much!

Feeling you on the everything covered in pet fur part, too.

Heather said...

Thankfully, I only have work (though that's often 50+ hours) but I'm seriously at the point of being burnt out. Like, I just don't care if I do a good job anymore. It's a crappy feeling and a crappy state of mind to be in. Hang in there. That's what I keep telling myself.

Sandee said...

Hang in there, Becky. :) I know how you feel, that's why I refused to take any classes this term. And don't worry about the kid'll come in time. I'm tearing my hair out over trying to raise a 10 year old, work, and go to school...I can't even imagine how crazy it'd be with a baby. As for the student loans- at least you'll have a degree to show for it, unlike my 6-figure debt from the law school fiasco. :)